Brehs… I don’t know how to live without a woman in my life. (NOT SUICIDAL)

[old_timer]

Human interaction is about teamwork
(and this ties into romantic relationships)

And in life, even a consumate team player will occasionally find himself not on a team

So when alone,, i shift ahead and make my next adjustment
Let's say we are a four year high school team
I can have one role as a freshman
But my role as a sophomore changes.. And to junior and finally as a senior,, i am still on the same team but occupy a very different role
So on offseason, i am not replaying what we just finished.. I am preparing for next season

Professionally,, in my work career, i first pushed through and at early 30's was managing people
85% of team was older than me
I had to work my role - handle myself a certain way for the team
Now in a very senior capacity, i supervise people that are 95% younger than me
Adjustments adjustments adjustments

Between the sudden death of my first wife and meeting my second wife..
--i went through a lot of changes,, and women in my dating class went through a lot of changes
My wife is very different than my first wife(rip)
But, if my first wife had never died, she would be a very different woman being many years older (than my memory holds her in my mind)
So my current wife is not better or worse- but she's the perfect fit for me

So my advice.. In a nutshell.. Is to advance forward to your next iteration
And start being the 25-26 year old man
Not rehearsing and perfecting and recreating how you were at age 21

 

[Fresh]

I don’t mean like I’m an incapable man.


Nah I take care of myself well and eat good and all that, but just the day to day grind


And not having a shorty feeling you that you can hit up at the end of the day, go to sleep, wake up, and talk about some more shot


Just that feeling of female companionship brehs I got some homeboys and fam, but let’s be real we all know it feels different when a woman is really feelin you and you feelin her and y’all become pieces of each other’s daily routine


I thought more sex would be fulfilling but….nah, it fun in the moment and some good memories but that ain’t it either.


Since 6th grade and my first “girlfriend” I’ve always had a woman in my orbit and I got way too comfortable in that spot


Now as a young ass 23 year old man I can genuinely say I don’t know how to live without being in some sort of relationship goin on. fukk do I fill all the silence and downtime with?

im I’m school, work bout 36 hours a week, gym 4 days a week, hike when I can, go clubbing most weekends. I been wanting to get into MMA but

older brehs help me out man fukk am I supposed to do?


I’m taking relationships much more seriously now so I’m not dating rn trying not to fall into old traps fr. But mannnn that cuffed life is really callin me…especially in rainy ass Seattle

breh I'm not dismissing your feelings... but you're only 23, focus on yourself dude, u have plenty of time ahead of you for a serious relationship, and you don't want to become dependent on having a relationship because that's basically giving away your power

just keep improving yourself, it's not like you're not getting p*ssy

good luck with everything breh

 

[Bmezy]

This right here. Home boy is only 23...Jesus.

OP, you do indeed struggle with post traumatic stress. You're living an unsustainable lifestyle that is based deeply on traumatic childhood episodes likely brought on by a surrounding of selfish, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable parenting which is unfortunately rampant in the black community in particular (you see it a whole lot in Asian communities as well.) Your childhood was likely robbed from you from the very selfish and childish "adults" who should've embraced it and embraced you. And unfortunately we're taught in our communities that not only are parents, grandparents, and "ancestors" above any and all criticism, in fact their erratic, cruel and even abusive behaviors are a show of strength and resilience. We honor their most selfish and self absorbed behaviors--completely ignorant of the feelings and emotions of their own child--as having made us "stronger." We even anticipate the day we get ourselves a "wifey home and kids" so that we can emulate and pass down that ignorance. The amount of times I read threads here with clearly traumatized young cats talking about how they gonna be with their wife and kids and just getting it all wrong from jump with all the ignorant crap they clearly experienced form their own families. We absorb the trauma of dealing with ignorant, abusive a$$holes who may have unfortunately been our own parents and then enter adult lives full of horrible debilitating stress, depression, and anxiety that can't even be safely left alone and wonder where it came from while we proudly reminisce all the physical beatings and verbal abuse we endured from good ole mama who didn't play games.

People like to laugh at Karen "negotiating" with little Billy throwing a whole tantrum because he wants a toy and can't have it, but y'all don't understand this is a helluva better approach to raising a self-reliant, mentally healthy, self regulating and empowered child then that "Ain't no one gonna talk to me that way" immature BS we embrace from our parents and in our families. OP you're story is a lie. Your mom or your parents were far from the best ever whether you can accept that or not. Your childhood was robbed by narcissists and idiots. You were hurt and you are still hurt. Running into relationships, sexual or otherwise, in order to feel complete, comfortable in your own skin, and validated in life is just you trying to run away from your trauma and depression. It will lead to even greater trauma and depression, for both you and the people you are bringing into your (unresolved) adult life--particularly your own perspective children-- as you get older and take on more if you don't seek therapy and make changes. You will repeat the same cycle of poor self-regulation, poor parenting and you will rob your own kids of their mental and emotional stability as adults, as you were left to struggle with now.

Mental health issues run all too rampant in our communities. We have so many "adults" and even "parents" walking around our communities who are just emotionally crippled, abused, and insecure children themselves, ignorant of their toxic behaviors and then passing it down to others. It's gotta stop and I'm so glad black folks, we can talk more about poor dynamic in our families and poor mental health. Slowly tearing down the "god-like, mystical, resilient" black mother/father/ancestor trope that is destroying us generation after generation and finally embracing our own mental health in a real way. I wish you luck OP, for real. Please don't lead your adult life holding on to trauma and making it all about relieving fear of loneliness. You are better and greater than that and a therapist will help you navigate it. Don't ignore the little inner you that's been trying to be heard for a long time. Don't ignore how you truly feel.

message! You broke it down for them .. no excuse not to take some personally inventory at this point.

 

[Bmezy]

breh I'm not dismissing your feelings... but you're only 23, focus on yourself dude, u have plenty of time ahead of you for a serious relationship, and you don't want to become dependent on having a relationship because that's basically giving away your power

just keep improving yourself, it's not like you're not getting p*ssy

good luck with everything breh

..how do you improve yourself with no resolve? With no true belief that you are even worthy of being better.. that you’re even capable. Goal setting and affirmation building means NOTHING if you don’t see the light in yourself. That’s not the way you counter hopelessness.

 

[Fresh]

..how do you improve yourself with no resolve? With no true belief that you are even worthy of being better.. that you’re even capable. Goal setting and affirmation building means NOTHING if you don’t see the light in yourself. That’s not the way you counter hopelessness.

well OP said he wasn't suicidal or anything, said he has hobbies etc

I was simply trying to help OP out, what are your suggestions for OP ?

 

[Bmezy]

well OP said he wasn't suicidal or anything, said he has hobbies etc

I was simply trying to help OP out, what are your suggestions for OP ?

i understand your intentions bro.. and I used to give that type of advice.. the spirit of hopelessness/apathy/lack of resolve are Symptoms of deep seated mental and/or emotional trauma that is unresolved at its base level. We can treat the a virus with otc medication to to mediate symptoms but it takes synthesis and actual study to break the virus down on a cellular level to crack the code needed to develop a cure. I’d advice homie to really DEAL with himself.. instead of distracting and pushing his issues further down, expose and unearth them completely ask yourself questions and actively seek out answers.. acknowledge your triggers, allow those vulnerable memories that’s to painful to bear to overcome you.. write that shyt down
Am I enough? Why don’t I feel like I am? What events in my life holds my most painful memories. When did I first start comparing myself against my failures and judge my sense of worth from that. What value does women really mean to me. Is it more value that I have for myself ? Who taught me that? Why do I blame myself for everybody that leaves me? When did I first start feeling ..empty? this is the data needed to deal with the ‘disease’ on a cellular level.. after that deek actual therapy/treatment and commit to the process of restoration.. true reconciliation.. we deserve to be WHOLE.