(Mentions sexual assault but is not graphic)
The title is self-explanatory, so let’s cut to the chase. I am going to kill myself. I have stolen chloroform from the organic chemistry lab at my university (I am a TA and an undergraduate lab tech, it wasn’t hard to get).
I will soak a towel in the solvent and put it over my face before I go to bed. Debatably the best night sleep I will ever get.
So, for my friends and family I need to explain some things. First and foremost, it’s not your fault. To my parents in specific, I know we have not always agreed, and I do not like many of things you both have done, but my death is not your fault. Whatever I reveal, do not feel responsible. I am making my own choice.
Next, let’s address the major question: “Why did a healthy, young, and (relatively) happy college goer kill himself right before graduation?”
That is a bit of an involved answer, but I will say it’s because I wasn’t supposed to be here to begin with.
My parents, in a fit of anger, explained (with no lack of detail) to a six year old how he was neither planned nor wanted. The parents continued to explain that the child should be grateful. He should be silent; he should not cry.
That boy, earlier that day, witnessed a young woman being raped in the field behind his house. He didn’t know what was happening, so when he ran into the house in hysterics he lacked the words to explain what was going on.
His parents disregarded the episode as a tantrum, and did what any responsible parent would; they shut him down. They didn’t want to hear excuses. They didn’t want to hear Lies. They wanted silence, obedience.
Well, the child grew up to be me. I regard that child as distinct from me, because that kid was blessed. He was unwanted and unloved, but he was blessed with beautiful ignorance. He could not see past his eyelids, and he believed his parents. He believed everything was okay.
I came to be the moment that stupid child opened his eyes. I saw the truth, and I realized what happened that day. Everything came back in disgusting HD detail. I was fourteen.
My mind became like a Pandora’s Box. I knew if I delved into those memories, that I wouldn’t like what came out.
So, next question: “Why did I look into things”. I am not sure. I just had to know. I had to know what happened to her.
She was brutalized. After being assaulted, she killed, chopped up, and scattered throughout the field for whatever scavengers found her. The cops said that the damage was so extensive, they could never identify the girl. They said that no one even knew what she looked like.
They were wrong. I knew. I know. From the day I started looking into things, I saw her. I always see her. She is everywhere I look. She is approximately 5’ 4”, and as thin as a twig. Her hair is a dark brown, as are her eyes. She is pale, but no unhealthily so. She has a slightly crooked smile. She could have been my sister.
She was young. That was the only thing the cops really got right in the report. She was unspeakably young. I thought about that fact for a long time. How did no one report her missing? Why wasn’t anyone there for her? The answer is a simple one: no one wanted her.
I concluded she was born unwanted, like me. No one saves the unwanted. As a child I was left behind so many places it became a running joke in my family that my parents needed to put me on the shopping list so that they would not forget me. What were the chances that I would have been like that girl had I been even a little less lucky?
So is that the fate of the unwanted? Are all the unwanted children supposed to be forgotten and left behind till something bad happens to us? When I am hurt and dying, will anyone remember to look for me?
Her phantom wasn’t helpful with these quandaries; she just stares at me mostly. Regardless, I have come to a conclusion. The answer to every one of those questions is a single and resounding YES.
She is still the age she was when she died. To be honest, I am pretty sure she isn’t real. But, I won’t try to get rid of her. She is like me after all. If I abandon her too, then she won’t have anyone. I guess I wouldn’t have anyone either.
So that brings me back to the beginning. I am dying because I was never wanted nor was I needed. So, I won’t wait to be left behind and killed. I won’t wait for the inevitable fate of the unwanted and unplanned. I will choose my way out, and I choose to sleep.
Last question: “Why post on NoSleep”.
Simple, no one here really believes this shyt and one of my friends reads this site a lot. So I know that no one is going to try and stop me, as if they could at this point. I also know that my friend will work her way down to this post. She will see it and recognize the name. To that friend, I am so sorry. Please just read this and try to understand where I am coming from.
Good night. Let me be the first to end my story bye going bed on NoSleep.
