Coparenting in a different state from where your kids live...

[KFBF]

I have couple questions breh:

1. You have three different bm's?

2. Do you have formalized child support/custody agreements in place?

3. Do you try to get your kids at the same time, or do they not have a relationship with each other?

 

[murksiderock]

My ex wife is a bytch and hates my guts she didn't cooperate at all. She was fighting me tooth and nail on everything. I had to go the legal route and put her into a situation set up to where she would either give my son up or fall in line with what I want. You can work the court system in your favor if you can keep your cool and not fukk yourself over. Most men just don't actually play the system the right way.

Now come on now, this makes your last response to me that much worse, because you went thru shyt with your ex...

I aint got mothers who would just give up custody of the kids, aint no convincing them to do it, so right there from the jump we have a different game to play than, "work the system in your favor". I've done a good job working this mf but congrats to you for knocking up a chick who would just say "here's your son, take him". Mine ain't going for that, and it ain't a me thing, because contrary to some of these recent posts, neither woman would call me a deadbeat, uninvolved, part time, "runs from responsibility", none of that bullshyt...

They just not the kind of women willing to give up custody. The oldest, in part, is motivated by the fact that if she even agrees to true split custody, child support is getting cut in half, or lower, for her, so I know why she fighting...

My other one would be cool with joint if we lived in the same city/county...

Neither one of them would ever voluntarily submit from primary custody unless they have to, and because neither are deadbeats, junkies, or otherwise risks to my kids, I can't just simply "work the system" to make them feel that way...

Based on this and comments in other threads, you're just trying to run away from your responsibilities. Be honest with yourself.

You should be staying put to watch what happens with your child's mother with cancer. She's going through a lot. You should be figuring out how to be there for your daughter.

Grow up Breh and handle your responsibilities.

This is wack. If I was running from responsibility, I found out the pregnancy of my oldest child in June 2016. What has stopped me from running from responsibilities over the last 9 years, any month, at any time, if that was the kinda shyt I was on?

This the problem with those of you who see everything as black and white. If thats who I was there's literally been NOTHING stopping me from doing it the last 9 years. If thats who I was I could just not go back to Raleigh next week---->I'm employed, in the city I will make more money in, that I also enjoy otherwise. I can easily secure somewhere to live here, and just send a message to the kids and their mothers that I moved and I'll see them when I feel like it...

Your response is wack...

I am staying in Raleigh to watch what happens with my youngest's mom. They got her in for her first radiation yesterday, after initially telling her it would be a week or more to get in, and her chemo starts this Thursday. This is the last trip I'm taking until Labor Day week (another work trip), which by that time, per the scheduling projections given, she should have had her surgery and this shyt is gone...

That work trip is also a 10-day, so unless she takes a turn for the worse, when I get back home next Sunday, I'm here for two months straight, and then after early September, here for another few months stretch after that...

Maybe its kinda wack to be considering a permanent move when I know she's fighting this, I'll give you that much, and I think the overall convo in this thread, + the last couple days of thought, have steered my thinking back in line...

 

[murksiderock]

I have couple questions breh:

1. You have three different bm's?

2. Do you have formalized child support/custody agreements in place?

3. Do you try to get your kids at the same time, or do they not have a relationship with each other?

1. My two oldest (8 year old, and soon-to-be 7 year old in October) are with one woman, who lives across town from me in Raleigh. My youngest (will be 4 in September) lives in Raeford NC, which is outside Fayetteville;

2. I filed for child support in Oct/Nov 2021, and we went to court to get it established in September 2022. That's for my two oldest. Their mom is the one I filed this custody exchange on in January of this year. We have a final mediation date on the 17th, to work out a custody agreement, or we go to a court hearing for it, on September 23...

The agreement we currently have is a verbal agreement between us, first 3 weekends, it isnt court ordered. I pressed the issue with the courts because she routinely played with me for years on how I could see the girls, and when she did it in mid-January, thats the last time I would allow her to get off like that...

We have a loose agreement, referencing the mediation, that summers will go to me, 6-8 weeks, but she wants an agreement on the school year first, and she wants to go back to every other weekend in the school year (which is what we were when we first broke up, for that first year or so). I'm not going BACKWARDS, to every other weekend, when the past 4 years, its been first 3 weekends. I'm asking for 9 days per month, instead of the 6 I get now, and she doesn't wanna agree to that...

Not on child support with my youngest daughter's mom, I give her money every month, and I pay for daycare. I did attempt to put myself on child support with her, back in like February 2024, but I was told I couldn't without her consent, because I'm not on the birth certificate. And she wouldn't consent to letting me get on child support

Our agreement is that I go grab my daughter in Fayetteville area whenever I get my oldest two on the weekends. Every once in awhile I slide down there and see her...

I filed for custody on her too, last year, but we came to an understanding on how we wanna work with each other on this...

3. My girls know each other well. I mean, given that two live in Raleigh and one in Fayetteville, they only see each other when I have them, which is every weekend I get them, every month...

Their mom's dont know each other, have only met and been around each other twice. They have each other's numbers and I've been told they have texted sporadically, but my daughters don't see each other when I'm outta town on work...

When I'm home my kids see each other every time I've got em!

 

[KFBF]

1. My two oldest (8 year old, and soon-to-be 7 year old in October) are with one woman, who lives across town from me in Raleigh. My youngest (will be 4 in September) lives in Raeford NC, which is outside Fayetteville;

2. I filed for child support in Oct/Nov 2021, and we went to court to get it established in September 2022. That's for my two oldest. Their mom is the one I filed this custody exchange on in January of this year. We have a final mediation date on the 17th, to work out a custody agreement, or we go to a court hearing for it, on September 23...

The agreement we currently have is a verbal agreement between us, first 3 weekends, it isnt court ordered. I pressed the issue with the courts because she routinely played with me for years on how I could see the girls, and when she did it in mid-January, thats the last time I would allow her to get off like that...

We have a loose agreement, referencing the mediation, that summers will go to me, 6-8 weeks, but she wants an agreement on the school year first, and she wants to go back to every other weekend in the school year (which is what we were when we first broke up, for that first year or so). I'm not going BACKWARDS, to every other weekend, when the past 4 years, its been first 3 weekends. I'm asking for 9 days per month, instead of the 6 I get now, and she doesn't wanna agree to that...

Not on child support with my youngest daughter's mom, I give her money every month, and I pay for daycare. I did attempt to put myself on child support with her, back in like February 2024, but I was told I couldn't without her consent, because I'm not on the birth certificate. And she wouldn't consent to letting me get on child support

Our agreement is that I go grab my daughter in Fayetteville area whenever I get my oldest two on the weekends. Every once in awhile I slide down there and see her...

I filed for custody on her too, last year, but we came to an understanding on how we wanna work with each other on this...

3. My girls know each other well. I mean, given that two live in Raleigh and one in Fayetteville, they only see each other when I have them, which is every weekend I get them, every month...

Their mom's dont know each other, have only met and been around each other twice. They have each other's numbers and I've been told they have texted sporadically, but my daughters don't see each other when I'm outta town on work...

When I'm home my kids see each other every time I've got em!

I think if you can provide a better life for your kids then you should do it. If you're going to provide a better life for yourself I don't know if that's reason enough to upset the applecart.

I will say that this move could possibly be considered a change in circumstances and result in a re-negotoaion of your current custody agreements. It sounds like some of this is pending based on what you said.

 

[Swirv]

I guess emotionally, I'm trying to be okay with sacrificing consistent time with them, with the fact I'll make more money, but get to see them more in summer...

Our current agreement with my oldest kids' mom, is I see them first 3 weekends, Friday evening to Sunday evening. That's 6 days/month, 84 days/year. There are random occasions I get the girls during a school week, but they are rare, so let's say within a year's time, they spend about ~3 other overnights per year with me. That's an average of 87 days/year with me...

I've been traveling for work since January 2022, and on average I travel about ~4 months a year (124 days). I obviously haven't moved from Raleigh, and the position that I travel for, pays more than when I'm at home, so I sacrifice the normal time I get with the girls while I'm gone, so in reality I see the girls probably ~60 overnights/year...

We have our final mediation date to attempt to reach an agreement on the 17th, she's long opposed giving me more time with the girls...

I guess I should add here, that while I have a "good" job that I enjoy, I am in the market for another job with a higher salary, as I've hit a ceiling in my current company, unless I move to Denver with them. Prior to yesterday, I've filled out 9 apps this year, and been on 3 interviews, nothing has clicked yet. Like I said, I don't absolutely "need" a new job, I have a good one, but if I can find the right situation, I'll take it...

I'm giving this backdrop because you asked what I'd do in absence of quality time. I only have them about ~60 days/year as is, if I move, I can make that time back, let's say, with ~7 weeks in summer (42 days) coming to see me wherever I live; at least ~14 days of holiday time with me (so that puts me at 56 days as we've already agreed to a rotating holiday schedule); and there are probably at least 4 days during the school year that I could make it back and see them. So from a pure math equation, I've rationalized that I could still see them woth the frequency that I see them when I'm at home...

My youngest daughter lives an hour from me, and I see her, when I see my oldest girls, as realistically I can't drive 2-hours round-trip each day, though I'll say that if she lived in the same city as me, her mom would let me have her more than just weekends...

But to your question of, can I deal with the consequences of not physically being there, my honest answer is I don't know that I can. It's weighed on me plenty, and I'll repeat again, I've always lived in the same city, or within an hour, of my daughters, in the 8+ years I've been a father. Obviously I was with their mothers for a time (with my oldests' mom, until my oldest was 3; with my youngest's mom, until she was 15 months); so over 4 years of being in the home, with my children when I was with their mothers...

And the other 4+ years I've been a dad, I've always been in the same city, or an hour away...

So it would be a significant emotional adjustment, if I moved to another state, and you know what, I don't know how willing I am to do this, honestly. That goes beyond the math equation, because being in arm's reach does allow for a different presence in their lives, and in the same time zone allows for having a different presence...

So it really has me revisiting a thought I've had before:

Going to Sacramento (or Denver) in the summers, staying in Raleigh in the school year. So all I really need is a summer schedule, that alots for me having the girls with me in the summer, and scratches my itch of getting away from Raleigh part time, exposing my kids to different areas, etc. This is a thought I've had for over a year, that allows me to still be in their lives as is, with no major adjustment, and I've had this idea for longer than I've had the thought of just relocating entirely...



I appreciate your responses, bruh!

I once said this it isn't that simple once you and the kids' mom break up, unless she willingly gives primary custody to you, or she is otherwise an unfit mother...

Hold up breh, you have a 15 month old? There’s no hope of you making it work with her mom?

If there is, I’d marry her, move those two with me to Denver and keep the arrangement with the first two girls’ mom.

I have two bms, and I’ll never forget the statement a friend made to me that got through my thick skull, “So you’ve made two broken families now”. That comment made me contemplate how I was living and how it would affect my children. Ultimately, I married the second mom and life has improved.

If you go to Denver solo, it’s all about you. If you stay, it’s about your girls. I didn’t know your kids were so young, that changes how I view the situation.

 

[SunZoo]

Any argument you're making for the money is coming directly from your ego. Unless you riding out to save the world/serve humanity in a way you cannot where your children are, you are being offered this *bag* on behalf of the devil (the ego) in an already chaotic timeline where children need a father more than they need an extra failing dollar or two from an absent parent.

 

[ISO]

I’d stay in Raleigh or check in more nearby cities. Denver is very far from Raleigh. At least stay on the East Coast…where everything is a 2 hour flight or 10 hour drive or train ride max.

$16-20K isn’t shyt once you factor in the difference in cost of living and air fare of you flying your kids in and out and going back to Raleigh. Your first year you’d be in the red getting a crib there and moving all your shyt. Also, you plan on fukking with more chicks? What if you end up with another kid?

I’ll be honest I don’t get it financially the difference in money would be marginal, you’d be completely uprooting yourself and transplanting to a completely different environment what friends/family/connections do you have there, the winters in Denver are also brutal. shyt sounds like a set up for depression.

U can stay in Raleigh and get a gig hustle.

I’m sure Chat GPT would tell you not to do this shyt

 

[ISO]

No kid wants to be on a 4 hour flight man

You’re considering Sacramento too even further

No telling how they’ll internalize this shyt

 

[murksiderock]

Hold up breh, you have a 15 month old? There’s no hope of you making it work with her mom?

If there is, I’d marry her, move those two with me to Denver and keep the arrangement with the first two girls’ mom.

I have two bms, and I’ll never forget the statement a friend made to me that got through my thick skull, “So you’ve made two broken families now”. That comment made me contemplate how I was living and how it would affect my children. Ultimately, I married the second mom and life has improved.

If you go to Denver solo, it’s all about you. If you stay, it’s about your girls. I didn’t know your kids were so young, that changes how I view the situation.

Nah my youngest daughter will be 4 in September...

I would actually marry her mother, but I'm not moving back to Fayetteville, it would be a step backwards in every way unless I was cool with making less money and living somewhere with less amenities. Raleigh ain't got the most shyt popping in the world but its night and day from Fayetteville. Better economy, better wages, more shyt going on...

And she ain't trying to move to Raleigh, which has always been strange to me, but you know what, some people love a simple lifestyle, and I don't judge them for that. She was born in the Marcus Garvey area in Brooklyn, then between age 7 and 12, she was back and forth from Fayetteville to Brooklyn every other year (her mom was born in Fayetteville, grew up in Harlem but both parents were from Fayetteville so she spent summers in Fayetteville with relatives; when my BM was 7 she decided she was longing to live down south where her people were from)...

And when my BM was 12 they came to Fayetteville permanently, and she been in Fayetteville ever since. Her dad went back to Brooklyn in 2017, and she has a brother she grew up with thats up there, and her dad has two other kids she doesn't know up there. But her mom, two brothers, and a sister she did grow up with, are all in Fayetteville. Her mom's side of the family is all in Fayetteville, besides her mom's mother, who is in Harlem. Her dad has relatives in NY but she isn't close with her dad's family...

Her entire world and support system is in Fayetteville, and moving an hour abd change away, she made that a big deal years ago when I presented it to her. And you know what, its her life and it aint for me to judge. She's never moving to Raleigh, I'm not moving to Fayetteville, and both of us love where we live. But if she ever agreed to leave Fayetteville, I'd definitely consider marrying her...

I’d stay in Raleigh or check in more nearby cities. Denver is very far from Raleigh. At least stay on the East Coast…where everything is a 2 hour flight or 10 hour drive or train ride max.

$16-20K isn’t shyt once you factor in the difference in cost of living and air fare of you flying your kids in and out and going back to Raleigh. Your first year you’d be in the red getting a crib there and moving all your shyt. Also, you plan on fukking with more chicks? What if you end up with another kid?

I’ll be honest I don’t get it financially the difference in money would be marginal, you’d be completely uprooting yourself and transplanting to a completely different environment what friends/family/connections do you have there, the winters in Denver are also brutal. shyt sounds like a set up for depression.

U can stay in Raleigh and get a gig hustle.

I’m sure Chat GPT would tell you not to do this shyt

Nah I think my mind is back corrected to just going somewhere in the summer, being in Raleigh in the school year. I appreciate the responses here and I needed to reflect on the totality of what moving permanently at this stage in my kids lives would mean...

I've got until next summer, or you know what, I'll give myself until next April whej my current lease ends, to decide if Sacramento or Denver is my summer spot. I have really fallen in love with Denver, dog. And you know I love Sacramento like a mf, but I cant make the money there I make in Denver. I'll figure this out by April, it'll be one of those two in the summer, Raleigh in the school year...

But when they get a little older, which is probably projecting 5 to 10 years out, I'm getting the fukk out and it ain't because of Raleigh, I love it there. But I've had my run in the South and on the East Coast, bro. I'll appreciate the many memories and experiences, but outside a handful of places, I'm not a southern or East Coast guy. I don't think I'll die out here, I'm pretty certain about that. I just turned 36 so I do think I've hit a point in my life where I understand that when the time is right (and posters here helped me understand that time isn't right now), I'm gone permanently...

I just miss everything about The Coast and The West in general!

I do have, its not a current opportunity, but there's a potential opportunity within my current company, that could open in Nashville for me. Which isn't on the East Coast, but its an hour flight from Raleigh, I've made it before. I'm not in love with Nashville, I do "like" it though, but its the only other city on this side of the country I'd even consider relocating to. I like a few places out here but I don't fukk with them on that kinda level to consider relocating yo them they ain't that appealing to me...

I also wanna repeat, that the cost of living increase from Raleigh to Denver, is only about ~16.5%. I be on Zillow every time I'm out here, there are rentals in Denver cheaper than my current rent in Raleigh bro, more than a few. Groceries and homes are more in Denver. But Denver pays so much more its not even funny. Minimum wage in Denver is $18.81, most industries are paying hourly wages at $23 and up...

Minimum wage in Raleigh is $7.25 and you are in the gifted class if your hourly wage is $20+, its mf's still working at $13 hourly in NC. The difference in pay is significantly more, than the 16.5% cost of living increase, and you can eat as a renter in Denver....

That said, $16-20k is nowhere near a life changing salary increase for me, but its appealing given that I live in Raleigh and its tough (for now anyway) hunting out a $20k increase there. I agree that I can't make that the driving factor in why I move. But I am gonna want a piece of that in the summer, I feel like. And in the consideration of moving, Denver raises the ceiling on what I can earn overall compared to where I live...

Mf's who think Denver is expensive never lived on the coasts I'm cool with a lifelong Denverite, who about to turn 39. He used to live in OKC and he thinks Denver is expensive. This shyt ain't nowhere near West Coast or Northeast prices, I get why coming from the South or Midwest someone might trip out here. Denver is Hella affordable though bruh, but you gone pay for them groceries cause this shyt so far the fukk away from everything, alot if food gotta be shipped here...

No kid wants to be on a 4 hour flight man

You’re considering Sacramento too even further

No telling how they’ll internalize this shyt

 

[maxamusa]

OP trying to live like a guatemalan.



You gotta keep it authentic and Western Union the fam