FruitOfTheVale
Superstar
Full disclosure: my ongoing (and longest) relationship is 2 years, I've been in six total. What I don't have in experience, I have in experiences... I've dealt with my fair share of drama and especially drama related to miscommunication. The gem I got is about communication and specifically a situation that I'm sure the majority of y'all have been in before. The situation is when your Significant Other refuses to accept one of your habits/behaviors and demands that you change it.
If you determine that your S.O. is justified in demanding a change in your behavior and both of you respect each other enough to hear what the other is saying, your best friend will be incremental change placed in transformational context. Often, your S.O. will set a goal for you that, though not necessarily out of your reach, is definitely a big stretch. That being said, your job in that moment is to figure out the first AND the second steps to reaching that goal and communicate both of them to your S.O. The immediate change that you make will be taking the first step; what makes your S.O. believe that you are taking them seriously is demonstrating that you are considering the whole staircase. When you reach the first step, you should be thinking about the third step because that is what your S.O wants to hear you talk about. The second step is what they'll want to see you do. As long as you are "one step ahead", they will be satisfied with your effort.
If you are taking the same step that you are communicating with them about, your S.O. will inevitably create unrealistic secondary goals and conditions for you. Ex: "you have ONE WEEK to do it." If you accomplish the first step in less time, chances are they will undervalue the adjustment you made; they may even think that you have been "holding out" and only caved in to their demands when threatened with losing the relationship. They will likely get in the habit of using extreme threats to get fast results and this will ultimately become a new source of friction in the relationship.
If you accomplish the first step in exactly a week, they will think that you have been procrastinating until the very last minute. They will feel that you don't really care about what they are asking you to do; they will feel taken advantage of. And obviously, if you take more time, you might lose the relationship. This is a dangerous place to be in but thankfully you can easily avoid this entire situation by practicing "incremental change placed in transformational context".
That's my gem, I hope it's useful for the LTR brehs or those trying to create one.
If you determine that your S.O. is justified in demanding a change in your behavior and both of you respect each other enough to hear what the other is saying, your best friend will be incremental change placed in transformational context. Often, your S.O. will set a goal for you that, though not necessarily out of your reach, is definitely a big stretch. That being said, your job in that moment is to figure out the first AND the second steps to reaching that goal and communicate both of them to your S.O. The immediate change that you make will be taking the first step; what makes your S.O. believe that you are taking them seriously is demonstrating that you are considering the whole staircase. When you reach the first step, you should be thinking about the third step because that is what your S.O wants to hear you talk about. The second step is what they'll want to see you do. As long as you are "one step ahead", they will be satisfied with your effort.
If you are taking the same step that you are communicating with them about, your S.O. will inevitably create unrealistic secondary goals and conditions for you. Ex: "you have ONE WEEK to do it." If you accomplish the first step in less time, chances are they will undervalue the adjustment you made; they may even think that you have been "holding out" and only caved in to their demands when threatened with losing the relationship. They will likely get in the habit of using extreme threats to get fast results and this will ultimately become a new source of friction in the relationship.
If you accomplish the first step in exactly a week, they will think that you have been procrastinating until the very last minute. They will feel that you don't really care about what they are asking you to do; they will feel taken advantage of. And obviously, if you take more time, you might lose the relationship. This is a dangerous place to be in but thankfully you can easily avoid this entire situation by practicing "incremental change placed in transformational context".
That's my gem, I hope it's useful for the LTR brehs or those trying to create one.
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interesting if nothing else...
There has to be something to this, let me reflect and work on this.
