Since 2005, a group of radical lesbians and hardened feminists in the Illuminati have agitated for even more feminine control of the NFL. Notorious amongst them are former Attorney General Janet Reno (a Dolphins fan who is said to have taken her home teams disastrous record quite personally) and Gisele Bundchen (supermodel wife of Patriots QB Tom Brady). Other power players on the scene include super agent Kelli Masters, Raiders owner Carol Davis, Oprah Winfrey (Bears fan), Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor (a New York Jets fan who once handed down a ruling that would keep both college football and pro ball extremely profitable for New World Order members) and Ellen Degeneres (behind the scenes fighting for the elusive Los Angeles franchise).
Gisele and Erins successful NFL coup has sparked rumors of a steamy same-sex skybox affair.
Observers may not have known any of this were it not for Beyonces Illuminati welcome at the 2013 Super Bowl. In one simple gesture, the pop star signaled a dramatic shift in footballs leadership. By displaying the secret fertility triangle, she openly announced that lesbians would be the new overlords of the sport. All those behind the scenes catfights were officially over, she was telling the global elite. The women had finally won, the NFL was theirs.
As women seize more power in NFL skyboxes, expect some dramatic changes ahead. Well see more female fans and, as they change the game, half-time shows will become more elaborate and delicate. There will be plenty of locker room interviews with shirtless, muscled men. With Giseles favor trading and inside influence, Tom Brady will likely have a very good season this year. The Patriots may have already been chosen to win the next Super Bowl. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, whose ascension to head of the game first sparked the lesbian rebellion and ultimately the 2011 lockout, may soon be on the way out. A top contender for his job is Erin Andrews.
The Andrews Era?
Erin Andrewss leadership of the NFL will likely have serious consequences for the game. She has indicated that as a future commissioner shed like to expand the sport into more, sensitive, eco-friendly environments. Look for such expansion teams as the Portland Free-Range Ramps, with the hipster-friendly team colors of coral and mustard, and the West Hollywood Histrionics, aimed specifically at Los Angeles famously flamboyant homosexual population. An all-male burlesque cheerleading squad is also in the offing. The new commissioner may seek to dump the artificial turf now used on playing fields. Rumors suggest Andrews prefers something green and multi-use, such as the wheatgrass/sprouts combination that vegan groups have been promoting. The advantage of a wheatgrass/sprouts field is that is can be used to make healthy shakes for the players during half time (goodbye Gatorade!), but the reality of an earthen-based surface may offend todays prima donna players and excessively gentle linebackers. If Andrewss turf battle is successful, however, some vegans hope to make the ultimate change to football. They see the pigskin being retired once and for all, to be replaced by artisanally-crafted footballs composed of soy-glazed cotton and recycled cork.
