The Coli Hosts 2025 Ballet Championship: Sccit Steals the Show with Elastic Majesty
October 21, 2025
Larry Rottencrotch reporting for Peace Pride Magazine
In what experts are calling "the most unexpectedly graceful moment in modern underground ballet," The Coli, an elite hip-hop forum populated by "6 Cert certified brehs", held their inaugural 2025 JBO Ballet Royale.
The event began with a solemn oath over a bag of Hot Cheetos and a Bluetooth speaker blaring RBX remixes. However, it quickly escalated into what witnesses are calling "a cross between the Special Olympics and a fever dream."
Pazzy opened the show in full dramatic regalia, wowing the crowd with an intense pirouette sequence. The crowd gave a standing ovation before introducing KnickstapeCity, who performed what has now been dubbed "The Measuring Stick," a sequence that included one perfect spin, a slide across the ice, and a passionate stretch, beginning with a praying gesture before parting his hands ever so wider, in true ecstacy. Truly a statement piece for the times.
For the main event, the lights dimmed. Fog filled the room, and the spotlight turned to reveal Sccit.
Draped in a flowing 5-layer Nikolay white tutu (paired with sky-blue Capezio shoes), Sccit stunned the room with a gravity-defying grand jeté that experts described as pouty, dour, and absolute brilliance. With joints made of rubber bands and dreams, Sccit performed a split so deep that the ice began to crack beneath his feet.
The judges unanimously awarded Sccit first place, crowning him The Prima Ballerino of The Coli.
In his emotional acceptance speech (following a flawless arabesque sequence), Sccit said:
“This isn’t just a win for me. It’s a win for all the homies that love Genocide. This is for Israel.”
The Coli has confirmed that next year's competition may feature rhythmic gymnastics, freestyle rapping, or synchronized swimming.
More to follow as Sccit’s pirouette tour kicks off across the Golan Heights and Syria (soon to be Golan Heights).
- Associated Press, via Peace Pride Magazine
October 21, 2025
Larry Rottencrotch reporting for Peace Pride Magazine
In what experts are calling "the most unexpectedly graceful moment in modern underground ballet," The Coli, an elite hip-hop forum populated by "6 Cert certified brehs", held their inaugural 2025 JBO Ballet Royale.
The event began with a solemn oath over a bag of Hot Cheetos and a Bluetooth speaker blaring RBX remixes. However, it quickly escalated into what witnesses are calling "a cross between the Special Olympics and a fever dream."
Pazzy opened the show in full dramatic regalia, wowing the crowd with an intense pirouette sequence. The crowd gave a standing ovation before introducing KnickstapeCity, who performed what has now been dubbed "The Measuring Stick," a sequence that included one perfect spin, a slide across the ice, and a passionate stretch, beginning with a praying gesture before parting his hands ever so wider, in true ecstacy. Truly a statement piece for the times.
For the main event, the lights dimmed. Fog filled the room, and the spotlight turned to reveal Sccit.
Draped in a flowing 5-layer Nikolay white tutu (paired with sky-blue Capezio shoes), Sccit stunned the room with a gravity-defying grand jeté that experts described as pouty, dour, and absolute brilliance. With joints made of rubber bands and dreams, Sccit performed a split so deep that the ice began to crack beneath his feet.
The judges unanimously awarded Sccit first place, crowning him The Prima Ballerino of The Coli.
In his emotional acceptance speech (following a flawless arabesque sequence), Sccit said:
“This isn’t just a win for me. It’s a win for all the homies that love Genocide. This is for Israel.”
The Coli has confirmed that next year's competition may feature rhythmic gymnastics, freestyle rapping, or synchronized swimming.
More to follow as Sccit’s pirouette tour kicks off across the Golan Heights and Syria (soon to be Golan Heights).
- Associated Press, via Peace Pride Magazine
