Unlike the fine threads of Merino Wool, this is a man's wool; Rough and Rugged. Just donning it will eliminate any moobs you may have grown from your soy lattes and replace your normal-sized jewels with a set fit to be mounted on the tiara of the Sphinx. It's like wearing a 3 Wolf Moon shirt made from burlap and barbed-wire on your head. Fortunately, I had no hair to disperse the magical effects that embrace this head wear, which is why I think it had such a huge effect. Like a murderous Frosty the Snowman, I cuffed the brim and snugged the Worsted Wool tight to my dome. The instant I put that new wool hat on top my head I felt as if I could split wood without the use of power tools. I immediately grabbed an axe, which I keep conveniently next to the front door, and headed outside. Lacking any trees in my trailer park, I swung the business end of my axe towards the entry steps to my rented double wide. In real man fashion, each swing of the axe sliced cleanly through rotted timbers that were once there waiting to give way to the next unsuspecting victim. In mere moments I had not only banished those evil steps to the realm of ghosts and wind, but I had also annihilated my neighbor's Ford Fiesta. I then uncuffed the brim of my Wigwam Mills hat. It comes with such extensive size, I could now fashion it into a cone-shaped wizards hat that extends 2 full feet from the top of my head. With sparks of glory, I donned that magical hat on top of my head. I immediately gained mystical wizard powers. I was able to hover 20 feet from the ground and glow with the halo of a thousand suns behind me. Looking down on the peasants of my trailer park as they stared up on awe and envy, I declared myself the new ruler of Rusted Acorns Trailer Park and RV Storage. Darren, the previous ruler, was outraged, but ultimately willing to abdicate the throne.
