The Onion: Candidate Profiles

[tmonster]

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

INFOGRAPHIC June 4, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 22 Politics · Politicians · Elections · Election 2016

Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

• Campaign Slogan: “I Studied This Time”
• Experience: Effectively and efficiently led bungling of 2012 presidential campaign
• Policies: Tough on crime, specifically homosexuality
• Death Penalty Record: Undefeated, 234-0
• Political Base: Unsettling white guys in wraparound Oakleys
• Biggest Political Asset: Looks pretty presidential on muted TV at airport
• Biggest Liability: Public forums
• Greatest Political Accomplishment: Provided underserved minorities and mentally retarded individuals with access to quality executions
• Oh, And: Was recently issued felony indictment for abuse of power as Texas governor

Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham

INFOGRAPHIC June 1, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 22 Politics · Politicians · Elections · Election 2016

South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham:

• Marital Status: Single, but on the prowl
• Distinction Among Other GOP Candidates: Most recent
• Voter Appeal: Popular with voters who believe America not currently in enough wars
• Appearance: Excited boy getting his first tricycle
• Family: Has relatable 50-year-old sister just like you and me
• Name Recognition Among Sen. John McCain: 100 percent
• Percent Of Body Mass That Is Sweet Tea: 17
• What He’s Wearing Under That Little Three-Button Navy Blue Number: Absolutely nothing
• Biggest Obstacle To Winning Presidency: (Tie) Personality, voting record, stances on various issues, physical appearance, funding

Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley

INFOGRAPHIC May 30, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 21 Politics · Politicians · Elections · Election 2016 · Martin O’Malley

Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:

• Level Of Name Recognition: Slightly above yours
• Campaign Slogan: “A vote for me is a vote for Martin O’Malley”
• Age: Able to portray anything from youthful idealist to time-tested political veteran
• Religion: Catholic, but not the Rick Santorum kind
• Goal: To defeat Bernie Sanders
• Plan For Middle Class: Put pictures of them on his website
• Children: Stage Center Left and Stage Center Right
• Campaign Strategy: Data-based approach to never getting within 25 points of lead
• Handshake Style: Firm double pump with slide release
• Views On Capital Punishment: Polling well but worth keeping eye on
• Sometimes Puts On A Pantsuit And Makeup And Pretends He’s Hillary Clinton: Who’s to say?

Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum

INFOGRAPHIC May 27, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 21 Politics · Politicians · Elections · Election 2016 · Rick Santorum

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:

• Age: 23 years younger than average supporter
• Birthplace: America he barely recognizes anymore
• Campaign Goals: Keep the rampant liberalism in the Republican party in check
• Economic Platform: More of a social issues guy
• Trademark Look: Suit, tie
• Debate Strategy: Hoping to be permitted to watch from green room
• Hobbies: Searching for intelligently designed life on other planets
• Views On Hardcore Pornography: Included in presidential platform
• Motivation For Running: Kill some time before going to Heaven
• Biggest Controversy: Is presidential candidate

 

[88m3]

c*nts

 

[CHL]

Tanned, Exquisitely Coiffed Bernie Sanders Tells Supporters Corporations Actually Have A Lot To Offer

DAVENPORT, IA—Expounding upon the many ways in which they’ve positively impacted the country at large, a tanned and impeccably coiffed Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) reportedly informed supporters gathered at a campaign stop Thursday that corporations actually have a tremendous amount to offer the American people. “Businesses both large and small play a vital role in our society, creating good jobs and pumping billions back into the economy, and corporations are just the largest and most successful of these businesses—and certainly we shouldn’t punish success,” said the presidential hopeful, adjusting the alligator-skin band on his diamond-encrusted Bulgari watch as he elaborated on the ways in which publicly held companies in the financial, telecommunications, and oil and gas sectors have spurred growth and development in communities across the country. “And when you think about it, these companies aren’t just some faceless entities—they’re our neighbors, our family members, and our friends, all working together to make America the truly great nation it is.” At press time, Sanders could be seen smiling and waving from the stairs leading up to a brand-new Gulfstream personal jet before heading off to a private fundraiser at Sheldon Adelson’s estate.

 

[CHL]

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Policies: Tough on crime, specifically homosexuality

• Death Penalty Record: Undefeated, 234-0
• Political Base: Unsettling white guys in wraparound Oakleys
• Greatest Political Accomplishment: Provided underserved minorities and mentally retarded individuals with access to quality executions

Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham

Marital Status: Single, but on the prowl



Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum

• Campaign Goals: Keep the rampant liberalism in the Republican party in check

 

[CHL]

 

[Domingo Halliburton]

not as good as some of the others:

Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump:

• Wife: Unsatisfied
• Net Worth: 3-4 presidential elections
• Claim To Fame: First to refer to ISIS as “bozos”
• Role: Billionaire who will have smallest impact on presidential race
• Campaign Promise: Will turn America into an opulent destination for only the most exclusive citizens
• Campaign Slogan: “I’m Going To Do This Every Four Years Until I Die”
• Credentials: Proven job creator for desperate people who will do anything to be famous
• Potential Liability: American people may not yet be progressive enough to elect mentally ill man
• Vision For Presidency: 50 Miss USA finalists lined up along White House portico
• Are We Just Enabling Him: Yes

 

[tmonster]

not as good as some of the others:

Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump:

• Wife: Unsatisfied
• Net Worth: 3-4 presidential elections
• Claim To Fame: First to refer to ISIS as “bozos”
• Role: Billionaire who will have smallest impact on presidential race
• Campaign Promise: Will turn America into an opulent destination for only the most exclusive citizens
• Campaign Slogan: “I’m Going To Do This Every Four Years Until I Die”
• Credentials: Proven job creator for desperate people who will do anything to be famous
• Potential Liability: American people may not yet be progressive enough to elect mentally ill man
• Vision For Presidency: 50 Miss USA finalists lined up along White House portico
• Are We Just Enabling Him: Yes

 

[88m3]

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

INFOGRAPHICJune 25, 2015
VOL 51 ISSUE 25 Politics · Politicians · Election 2016

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal:

• Previous Occupation: LSU Tigers DE Coach/Asst. Defensive Coordinator (2003-2005)
• Platform: To bring coastal wetlands restoration program he implemented in Louisiana to rest of country
• Current Approval Rating: Nowhere to go but up
• Education: Pretty impressive for a man who questions evolution
• Career Accomplishments: Has for years dutifully served the people of a state he desperately wants to abandon
• Biggest Strengths: Somehow least electable Catholic candidate in field that also includes Rick Santorum; as a child of immigrants, understands what it takes to keep them out of country; candidate best able to connect with Indian Americans who make up 65 percent of Republican primary voters
• Foreign Policy Experience: Has already been publicly discredited by David Cameron and other European leaders
• What Sets Him Apart: Brings diversity to bottom third of GOP candidate polls
• Days He Has Left As Young Political Hotshot: 29
• Will Most Likely Be Remembered For: Endorsing Jeb Bush after Iowa caucus

@tmonster @Melbournelad @Domingo Halliburton

 

[tmonster]

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

INFOGRAPHICJune 25, 2015
VOL 51 ISSUE 25 Politics · Politicians · Election 2016

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal:

• Previous Occupation: LSU Tigers DE Coach/Asst. Defensive Coordinator (2003-2005)
• Platform: To bring coastal wetlands restoration program he implemented in Louisiana to rest of country
• Current Approval Rating: Nowhere to go but up
• Education: Pretty impressive for a man who questions evolution
• Career Accomplishments: Has for years dutifully served the people of a state he desperately wants to abandon
• Biggest Strengths: Somehow least electable Catholic candidate in field that also includes Rick Santorum; as a child of immigrants, understands what it takes to keep them out of country; candidate best able to connect with Indian Americans who make up 65 percent of Republican primary voters
• Foreign Policy Experience: Has already been publicly discredited by David Cameron and other European leaders
• What Sets Him Apart: Brings diversity to bottom third of GOP candidate polls
• Days He Has Left As Young Political Hotshot: 29
• Will Most Likely Be Remembered For: Endorsing Jeb Bush after Iowa caucus

@tmonster @Melbournelad @Domingo Halliburton

 

[CHL]

Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

INFOGRAPHIC July 13, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 28 Politics · Politicians · Election 2016

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker:

Birthplace: Tea Party comment thread

Greatest Strength: Possesses image and political credentials necessary to appeal to both Koch brothers

Personal Beliefs: Reasonably well-concealed

Labor Union: Longtime member of Local Elected Officials 438

Personal Hero: Sixth-grade teacher who inspired him to strip educators of collective bargaining rights and dismantle publicly funded higher education

Greatest Accomplishment: Stood up to people who make living pulling others from burning buildings

House Band: The Walkettes

Gubernatorial Record: First governor in history to raise enough out-of-state funding to overcome recall challenge from own constituents

Chief Political Rival: Those who want to make a living wage

 

[CHL]

Also



Admit It: You People Want To See How Far This Goes, Don’t You?

COMMENTARY July 21, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 29 Opinion · Election 2016 · Donald Trump





Donald Trump

The latest polls are out, and just as I predicted, I’m leading the Republican presidential race by a wide margin. You might be wondering how that could be. After all, it’s hardly been a month since I entered the field and I’ve already alienated America’s largest immigrant population, seen dozens of my high-profile business deals implode one after the other, and publicly insulted a national hero’s military service, all while not offering a single viable policy idea. But none of that matters at all, and my candidacy continues to surge forward, because none of you—not a single one of you—can look away. Not even for a second.

Admit it: You people want to see just how far this goes, don’t you?

My campaign’s just barely begun and I’ve already got you begging for more. Sure, you can say you oppose me or that you don’t even take me seriously. But let me ask you: How many articles have you read about Ted Cruz lately? How many news segments have you watched on Bobby Jindal? Or Rand Paul? But if those stories have the name “Donald Trump” in them, well, look who suddenly can’t get enough.

The thing is, I’ve got all of you eating out of my hand and I haven’t even released a single campaign commercial yet. Don’t look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want to stick around and see what that looks like, because you and I both know these ads are going to be absolutely incredible. I’ll be standing there projecting my best presidential air, saying “I’m Donald Trump, and I approve this message,” and you won’t be able to take your eyes off it.

You keep obsessing over every little thing I do and say, and I promise you’ll get your commercials real soon.

I can tell you’re practically salivating right now. And I’m going to keep riding this fascination, this little fixation you have with me as far as you’ll take me. You know I will.

And the TV spots are just the beginning. I know you, and I know what you like. You’ll absolutely eat it up when you see the “Trump ’16” T-shirts, the lawn signs, the bumper stickers; in fact, you’ll probably get a real kick out of pointing them out to your friends. Now, just imagine me shaking hands with senior citizens at a nursing home in Iowa. Wouldn’t you love to watch that? Or hear what comes out of my mouth when I speak to blue-collar workers at a struggling auto factory?

You say that doesn’t interest you? Oh, right, because you’re dying to see how Scott Walker behaves in those situations, right? Give me a break.

Just take a moment and imagine the primary debates: Jeb Bush; Chris Christie; me. Of course, they’ll put me in the middle because I’m ahead in the polls—far ahead at the moment. You already know how I answer even the most basic inquiries, so just picture me staring down the barrel of a question about foreign affairs or agriculture policy or something like that. You think you won’t sit there with bated breath while I try to tackle a question about using military force, or about food stamps, or about how my faith influences my decision-making? I guarantee you that my answers will be worth watching. And we both know you wouldn’t miss them for the world. It’d be the biggest, most-watched primary debate in history, courtesy of all of you.

And might I remind you that the longer this goes on, the closer I get to selecting a running mate. That realization kind of delighted you in a way, didn’t it? You absolutely want to know who I’d pick. A defeated GOP challenger who hates my guts? Another lunatic billionaire? Maybe my own son, Donald Trump Jr.? Whatever your wildest expectation is, I promise you I will surpass it. You’re not going to pass up an opportunity to see that, are you?

I can tell you’re practically salivating right now. And I’m going to keep riding this fascination, this little fixation you have with me as far as you’ll take me. You know I will.

So don’t try to tell me you’d be just as happy to watch one of these other bozos go toe-to-toe with Hillary Clinton or give a soaring speech at the national convention. And don’t delude yourself into thinking it’s everyone else who wants to watch me do this and you’re somehow above it. You want to see it. You want more. You hear “Trump” and your attention snaps to the TV screen right away.

Don’t think it’s true? Fine. You know what you have to do to make me go away. Just quit paying attention. Stop reading this right now.

That’s right, I didn’t think so. I have the power to make the next 16 months one of the most incredible times in our nation’s history, and not a single one of you can say you’re not at least a little bit curious to see how this wild ride shakes out. So just keep clicking every link that mentions my name and hitting play on every clip of my public appearances, and I promise you will not be disappointed.

 

[tmonster]

Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

INFOGRAPHIC July 13, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 28 Politics · Politicians · Election 2016

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker:

Birthplace: Tea Party comment thread

Greatest Strength: Possesses image and political credentials necessary to appeal to both Koch brothers

Personal Beliefs: Reasonably well-concealed

Labor Union: Longtime member of Local Elected Officials 438

Personal Hero: Sixth-grade teacher who inspired him to strip educators of collective bargaining rights and dismantle publicly funded higher education

Greatest Accomplishment: Stood up to people who make living pulling others from burning buildings

House Band: The Walkettes

Gubernatorial Record: First governor in history to raise enough out-of-state funding to overcome recall challenge from own constituents

Chief Political Rival: Those who want to make a living wage

:zfg:

 

[tmonster]

Also



Admit It: You People Want To See How Far This Goes, Don’t You?

COMMENTARY July 21, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 29 Opinion · Election 2016 · Donald Trump





Donald Trump

The latest polls are out, and just as I predicted, I’m leading the Republican presidential race by a wide margin. You might be wondering how that could be. After all, it’s hardly been a month since I entered the field and I’ve already alienated America’s largest immigrant population, seen dozens of my high-profile business deals implode one after the other, and publicly insulted a national hero’s military service, all while not offering a single viable policy idea. But none of that matters at all, and my candidacy continues to surge forward, because none of you—not a single one of you—can look away. Not even for a second.

Admit it: You people want to see just how far this goes, don’t you?

My campaign’s just barely begun and I’ve already got you begging for more. Sure, you can say you oppose me or that you don’t even take me seriously. But let me ask you: How many articles have you read about Ted Cruz lately? How many news segments have you watched on Bobby Jindal? Or Rand Paul? But if those stories have the name “Donald Trump” in them, well, look who suddenly can’t get enough.

The thing is, I’ve got all of you eating out of my hand and I haven’t even released a single campaign commercial yet. Don’t look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want to stick around and see what that looks like, because you and I both know these ads are going to be absolutely incredible. I’ll be standing there projecting my best presidential air, saying “I’m Donald Trump, and I approve this message,” and you won’t be able to take your eyes off it.

You keep obsessing over every little thing I do and say, and I promise you’ll get your commercials real soon.

I can tell you’re practically salivating right now. And I’m going to keep riding this fascination, this little fixation you have with me as far as you’ll take me. You know I will.

And the TV spots are just the beginning. I know you, and I know what you like. You’ll absolutely eat it up when you see the “Trump ’16” T-shirts, the lawn signs, the bumper stickers; in fact, you’ll probably get a real kick out of pointing them out to your friends. Now, just imagine me shaking hands with senior citizens at a nursing home in Iowa. Wouldn’t you love to watch that? Or hear what comes out of my mouth when I speak to blue-collar workers at a struggling auto factory?

You say that doesn’t interest you? Oh, right, because you’re dying to see how Scott Walker behaves in those situations, right? Give me a break.

Just take a moment and imagine the primary debates: Jeb Bush; Chris Christie; me. Of course, they’ll put me in the middle because I’m ahead in the polls—far ahead at the moment. You already know how I answer even the most basic inquiries, so just picture me staring down the barrel of a question about foreign affairs or agriculture policy or something like that. You think you won’t sit there with bated breath while I try to tackle a question about using military force, or about food stamps, or about how my faith influences my decision-making? I guarantee you that my answers will be worth watching. And we both know you wouldn’t miss them for the world. It’d be the biggest, most-watched primary debate in history, courtesy of all of you.

And might I remind you that the longer this goes on, the closer I get to selecting a running mate. That realization kind of delighted you in a way, didn’t it? You absolutely want to know who I’d pick. A defeated GOP challenger who hates my guts? Another lunatic billionaire? Maybe my own son, Donald Trump Jr.? Whatever your wildest expectation is, I promise you I will surpass it. You’re not going to pass up an opportunity to see that, are you?

I can tell you’re practically salivating right now. And I’m going to keep riding this fascination, this little fixation you have with me as far as you’ll take me. You know I will.

So don’t try to tell me you’d be just as happy to watch one of these other bozos go toe-to-toe with Hillary Clinton or give a soaring speech at the national convention. And don’t delude yourself into thinking it’s everyone else who wants to watch me do this and you’re somehow above it. You want to see it. You want more. You hear “Trump” and your attention snaps to the TV screen right away.

Don’t think it’s true? Fine. You know what you have to do to make me go away. Just quit paying attention. Stop reading this right now.

That’s right, I didn’t think so. I have the power to make the next 16 months one of the most incredible times in our nation’s history, and not a single one of you can say you’re not at least a little bit curious to see how this wild ride shakes out. So just keep clicking every link that mentions my name and hitting play on every clip of my public appearances, and I promise you will not be disappointed.