CEITEDMOFO
Banned
Just as a broken clock is right twice a day, even the best of the best rapper dudes have delivered the odd clunker. The rules of engagement are as follows:
1. The crappy song in question must have been released while said rapper was in their prime rather than during the inevitable late career auto-pilot/mentalist phase.
2. Ballads are automatically disqualified because they’re all terrible except for MC Shan’s ‘Left Me Lonely.’
3. Please refer to the first two rules.
Kool G Rap: ‘Cars’
It seems that this clanger has a few fans based on previous responses, but I refuse to soften my stance. I mean I can apprciate the bizarre genius of Gary Numan as much as the next guy (‘Films’ is still incredible), but this throwaway from Road To The Riches cerments it’s filler status when we’re forced to endure a failed phone call to Marley Marl’s car phone in between G rapping like it’s 1984.
Big Noyd: ‘I Don’t Want To Love Again’
I’m going to blame the Tommy Boy A&R department on this one, since Rapper Noyd was stuck in the pokey before this project was finished and may have had no say as to it’s inclusion. Nevertheless, it’s four minutes of not-that-great singing and less than a full minute of Noyd rapping in what sounds like a phone booth.
Rakim: ‘Stay A While’
Not sure what brief was handed to DJ Clark Kent that made him turn in this tepid attempt at getting some radio spins. They could have at least gotten Jody Watley to come through and called it ‘Friends Pt. II,’ right?
Big Daddy Kane: ‘Children ‘R The Future’
Following on from the triple threat of ‘It’s A Big Daddy Thing,’ ‘Another Victory’ and ‘Mortal Kombat,’ this was pure audio buzz-kill, complete with some of the worst singing this side of Biz Markie. And that fukking whistling at the end…
Brand Nubian: ‘Try To Do Me’
An obvious choice but this one stands out like proverbial dog’s balls in how in doesn’t fit in with the rest of the album at all with it’s New Jack Swing sound and dumb raps. Most tellingly, this futile attempt at club play never even got a single release anyway, and therefore had zero chance of ever getting heard in a bar anyway.
LL Cool J: ‘Change Your Ways’
After an entire album filled with bragging, flossing and shytty love songs, LL had the nerve to lecture listeners to ‘throw away the cigeretes and put down that drink’ after appearing in a video stunting with bottles of Moet and smoking cigars while recieving a shoulder rub from a scantily clad skeezer.
Nas: ‘You Owe Me’
As was the fashion in 1999, everyone wanted to be grown and sexy. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Nas recruited Genuine, Timbaland and a car load of strippers for this excuse to change outfits every fifteen seconds. The clip also features the future Mrs. Sean Carter waving her arms in the air like she just didn’t care at 1:54.
Ice Cube: ‘Wicked’
Even if you choose to ignore the fact that he ripped off this song from King Sun, it still represents everything terrible about early nineties rap. With it’s annoying beat, ragga hook and gimmicky rhyme style, Cube abandoned everything that was great about Kill At Will, AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted and Death Certificate to chase white guy college audience that was already being milked dry by House of Pain and Cypress Hill.
MC Shan: ‘Don’t Mean A Thing’
The video for this cost a fortune, as Shan attempted to prove that rap should be taken seriously by adding a variety of ‘musical’ elements (ie. cheesy keyboards) and swinging around on a vine in a white tuxedo while folks were doing the Jitterbug. What was the concept behind the two women dressed up like The Flintstones standing on those swings though?
EPMD: ‘You Had Too Much To Drink’
Years from now, scientists will still be scratching their heads in an attempt to figure out why Erick and Parrish decided to pollute an otherwise great album with this baffling Rap Rock public service announcement. If anything, it actually encourages excess booze consumption in order to blot out all memory of this musical abortion.
Public Enemy: ‘Party For Your Right To Fight’
Just because It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back is one of greatest rap albums in existance doesn’t mean that it’s perfect. This play on word of the Beasties Boys hit single has an annoying beat, grating hook and is the perfect example of something that would have worked better as s thirty second skit.
Feel free to add on, that’s all the terrible rap I can stand for one afternoon.
http://www.unkut.com/2017/04/the-worst-songs-from-the-best-rappers/#more-11505
