been reflecting today. that’s what sundays are for. reflection. and croquettes. but mostly reflection.
i just wanna say. for the record. on the coli. where it counts. that i am GRATEFUL to still have my mind. my full mind. all of it. every piece. accounted for. inventoried. present.
because listen. LISTEN. losing a job and losing somebody you love in the same season? that’s the kind of thing that breaks people. i’ve SEEN it break people. i went to high school with a nikka who lost his job at the plant and his girl in the same month and three weeks later he was standing in the middle of 79th street in his draws talking to a stop sign. true story. ask anybody from the hood. they’ll tell you. his name was anthony. he’s fine now. mostly. he works at a car wash and doesn’t make eye contact anymore but he’s ALIVE and that’s what matters.
i could’ve been anthony. i want y’all to understand that. i was CLOSE. closer than i’ve told anybody. closer than i’ve told myself most days. there’s a version of this story where i’m the one in the draws and somebody ELSE is posting about me on a forum saying “remember string he used to be sharp” and that version is real. that version exists somewhere. i can feel it breathing.
but i didn’t go. i didn’t BREAK. i bent. i bent so far i could see my own back. but i didn’t break. and that’s a testimony. that’s a TESTIMONY.
i think about the people who don’t make it back from that bend. that’s what nobody talks about. everybody loves a comeback story but nobody wants to discuss the people who left and didn’t return. they’re still out there. walking around. wearing their bodies like a coat that doesn’t fit anymore. you’ve passed them. you’ve passed DOZENS of them today and didn’t know it. the lights are on but ain’t nobody renting that building anymore. that could’ve been me. that could STILL be me.
the door is never fully closed on that. anyone who tells you otherwise is selling you something.
so when i post the way i post and y’all say “he’s losing it” — understand something. UNDERSTAND. i am holding onto my mind with both hands and my teeth. i have not lost anything. i have CHOSEN every word i’ve typed on this forum with intention. every one. the ceiling fan post. the rice. the parking lot. the croquettes. all of it. on purpose. with a plan. you just can’t see the plan yet because you’re not supposed to. that’s not your job. your job is to read and witness.
i’m thanking god today. i’m thanking god i can still see colors correctly. i’m thanking god i can still remember my mama’s middle name and what day it is (sunday. it’s sunday. i checked three times). i’m thanking god i haven’t started talking to objects YET. (i talk to the car but the car is mine and that’s allowed. that’s a relationship not a symptom.)
if you’re reading this and you’ve also lost something this year — a job a person a piece of yourself you used to recognize — i want you to know you’re not alone. i want you to ALSO know that being not alone doesn’t actually help that much in the moment. that’s a lie they tell you. the truth is sometimes you ARE alone and the work is to be alone and not let it eat you. i’m not being eaten. i wanna be clear about that. i am the one doing the eating in this scenario. metaphorically. mostly.
so. gratitude. that’s the post. i’m grateful. i’m HERE. i’m lucid. i’m typing this with steady hands. (one hand. the other one is holding the phone. but the typing hand is steady.) i’m aware of my surroundings. i know where i am and why. i know what year it is. i know who the president is i just choose not to say his name out loud because names have power and i’m conserving mine.
if anything ever happens to me know that this post was the proof. screenshot it. archive it. show it to whoever needs to see it later. i was OK on this sunday. i was eating croquettes and thinking clearly and writing this post of my own free will with a sound mind. write that down somewhere safe.
love y’all. mean it. mostly.
i just wanna say. for the record. on the coli. where it counts. that i am GRATEFUL to still have my mind. my full mind. all of it. every piece. accounted for. inventoried. present.
because listen. LISTEN. losing a job and losing somebody you love in the same season? that’s the kind of thing that breaks people. i’ve SEEN it break people. i went to high school with a nikka who lost his job at the plant and his girl in the same month and three weeks later he was standing in the middle of 79th street in his draws talking to a stop sign. true story. ask anybody from the hood. they’ll tell you. his name was anthony. he’s fine now. mostly. he works at a car wash and doesn’t make eye contact anymore but he’s ALIVE and that’s what matters.
i could’ve been anthony. i want y’all to understand that. i was CLOSE. closer than i’ve told anybody. closer than i’ve told myself most days. there’s a version of this story where i’m the one in the draws and somebody ELSE is posting about me on a forum saying “remember string he used to be sharp” and that version is real. that version exists somewhere. i can feel it breathing.
but i didn’t go. i didn’t BREAK. i bent. i bent so far i could see my own back. but i didn’t break. and that’s a testimony. that’s a TESTIMONY.
i think about the people who don’t make it back from that bend. that’s what nobody talks about. everybody loves a comeback story but nobody wants to discuss the people who left and didn’t return. they’re still out there. walking around. wearing their bodies like a coat that doesn’t fit anymore. you’ve passed them. you’ve passed DOZENS of them today and didn’t know it. the lights are on but ain’t nobody renting that building anymore. that could’ve been me. that could STILL be me.
the door is never fully closed on that. anyone who tells you otherwise is selling you something.
so when i post the way i post and y’all say “he’s losing it” — understand something. UNDERSTAND. i am holding onto my mind with both hands and my teeth. i have not lost anything. i have CHOSEN every word i’ve typed on this forum with intention. every one. the ceiling fan post. the rice. the parking lot. the croquettes. all of it. on purpose. with a plan. you just can’t see the plan yet because you’re not supposed to. that’s not your job. your job is to read and witness.
i’m thanking god today. i’m thanking god i can still see colors correctly. i’m thanking god i can still remember my mama’s middle name and what day it is (sunday. it’s sunday. i checked three times). i’m thanking god i haven’t started talking to objects YET. (i talk to the car but the car is mine and that’s allowed. that’s a relationship not a symptom.)
if you’re reading this and you’ve also lost something this year — a job a person a piece of yourself you used to recognize — i want you to know you’re not alone. i want you to ALSO know that being not alone doesn’t actually help that much in the moment. that’s a lie they tell you. the truth is sometimes you ARE alone and the work is to be alone and not let it eat you. i’m not being eaten. i wanna be clear about that. i am the one doing the eating in this scenario. metaphorically. mostly.
so. gratitude. that’s the post. i’m grateful. i’m HERE. i’m lucid. i’m typing this with steady hands. (one hand. the other one is holding the phone. but the typing hand is steady.) i’m aware of my surroundings. i know where i am and why. i know what year it is. i know who the president is i just choose not to say his name out loud because names have power and i’m conserving mine.
if anything ever happens to me know that this post was the proof. screenshot it. archive it. show it to whoever needs to see it later. i was OK on this sunday. i was eating croquettes and thinking clearly and writing this post of my own free will with a sound mind. write that down somewhere safe.
love y’all. mean it. mostly.
...my lights just got cut off and my baby need diapers..HAAALPPP NIKKA HAAALLPP 
