Assertiveness: Innate or Learned?

[TheFemalePerspective]

It has come to my attention that unless you learn to be assertive in this world, you'll always find an egotistical, ill-mannered, son of an unchaste woman, who will test your patience and try to break you mentally and spiritually.



I don't know why I struggle to be assertive. A part of me always wants to see the good in people.



I think to myself, maybe I wasn't kind enough? Maybe if I showed them more kindness, they'd reciprocate.



But then they don't... in fact, their callousness gets worse, and I'm left standing there bemused.



I'm currently reading a book titled: 'How to Say No and Not Feel Guilty'



Thus far I'm really enjoying it. The author convincingly asserts that we're naturally born assertive; it is society which conditions are to become passive/passive aggressive individuals who feel the need to always justify their actions. Think about it for a sec. If a work colleague asks you to join him for a friendly drink, you can't simply reply back, "No, I don't want to." You always have to provide a reason.



It doesn't stop there. Your reason has to be good enough for the other person to accept, otherwise they hit you back with words to try and manipulate you into feeling guilty.



This week I've focused on purchasing items just so I can practice being assertive when I return them. I took back a top yesterday and when she asked me why I was returning it, I told her:

"Because, I want to!"



It felt so LIBERATING!



Are you assertive? Share your tips.

 

[Vandelay]

When my back is against the wall, I'm pretty assertive. But most of the time I'm go with the flow.

 

[Raava]

It can be learned. As you get older you will come into situations where you have to be assertive or get run over. Some people have to learn the hard way, some people can just adjust.

I found it is best when you stop caring about being mean and what people think.

 

[Vandelay]

Oh...and it's definitely learned.

 

[TheFemalePerspective]

Oh...and it's definitely learned.

I have hope..

 

[Vandelay]

I have hope..

It's like speaking a foreign language, if you don't practice...you'll lose it. I've worked a slew of jobs where essentially I had to be a go-getter, aggressive individual...it's not natural for me, but I can turn it on when necessary. The key for me is to remain tactful...but say fukk the other persons feelings...lol if that makes sense.

 

[TheFemalePerspective]

It's like speaking a foreign language, if you don't practice...you'll lose it. I've worked a slew of jobs where essentially I had to be a go-getter, aggressive individual...it's not natural for me, but I can turn it on when necessary. The key for me is to remain tactful...but say fukk the other persons feelings...lol if that makes sense.

Yes, it does! lol. I want to become more assertive, but keep my integrity in place. I don't want to cross over anyone, I just want to protect myself. If that makes sense? I'm done being a martyr. I need to set boundaries and limits, because like they say... givers need to set a limit since takers never do.

 

[Don Dada F Poppa]

Assertiveness is learned, and with that said, don't ever feel guilty for saying no

 

[Ms.CuriousCat]

What the hell?

"Because I want to!"


That's not assertive, it's just rude

 

[The Bilingual Gringo]

I'm sure there are people born that way, as it's a personality trait.

However, it can be learned. I work in sales, you have to get used to people brushing you off, etc. but you after a while you learn how to work people and go from there. It can just take time.

 

[TheFemalePerspective]

What the hell?

"Because I want to!"


That's not assertive, it's just rude

I didn't say it exactly like that..



It went more like...

Sales Assistant: Why are you returning this?

TFP: I changed my mind. (I stated the reason without justifying it).

Sales Assistant: Why?

TFP: No reason.

Sales Assistant: Was there something wrong with it?

TFP: No, I just changed my mind.



I kept it short and brief.. without feeling the need to justify my reasoning.

 

[TheFemalePerspective]

I'm sure there are people born that way, as it's a personality trait.

However, it can be learned. I work in sales, you have to get used to people brushing you off, etc. but you after a while you learn how to work people and go from there. It can just take time.

Sales people used to get me all the time. I can't tell you how many charities I've signed up to under pressure.



I'm happy to help people.. but I can't help everyone!

 

[The Bilingual Gringo]

Sales people used to get me all the time. I can't tell you how many charities I've signed up to under pressure.



I'm happy to help people.. but I can't help everyone!

It's a two way street, say no and KIM. It's just business, you can't take it personally. It won't affect them and shouldn't affect you.

 

[Ms.CuriousCat]

I didn't say it exactly like that..



It went more like...

Sales Assistant: Why are you returning this?

TFP: I changed my mind. (I stated the reason without justifying it).

Sales Assistant: Why?

TFP: No reason.

Sales Assistant: Was there something wrong with it?

TFP: No, I just changed my mind.



I kept it short and brief.. without feeling the need to justify my reasoning.

You know there's usually a form to fill and she probably had to tick a reason...


Seriously I think you are confusing being brusque and abrupt with being assertive. Making excuses and not hurting the other person's feelings is a good thing. That said totally depends where you are and the culture.

 

[FrederickDouglas]

Bytch, shut the fukk up with these stupid ass threads!





Granted assertiveness in anonymous internet convos doesn't translate to real world interactions but there you go.