Biracial women says she "just can't" date Black men!! (article)

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http://www.theawl.com/2013/04/ask-polly-only-black-men-like-me-but-i-dont-like-black-men



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Dear Polly,

I have a big problem. Actually a multitude of big problems that have coalesced into a giant problem. I am 31, and I cannot figure out what to do with respect to my romantic life. All my friends from college/grad school are married or partnered and I feel really unwanted. I'm attractive and outgoing, which has given me the opportunity to make many, many, MANY mistakes with respect to men. In my early 20s, I dumped every single guy who seemed truly interested in me in favor of college athletes, bros of various shapes and sizes, and I dated my philandering high school crush for a year when I should have known better.

I also did well at some great schools, moved around the country, made some great friends, stopped having an eating disorder, and figured out that I don't want to be a lawyer for the rest of my life. I figured out that I'm actually really a writer and went about finishing one (really funny) screenplay and starting another. I have my shyt fairly together. I do a lot of hot yoga. I throw a kick ass dinner party. People seem to enjoy my company.

The only thing I can't figure out is how to get myself into a good relationship. I've been seeing a therapist for a year, and I think I've figured out what my issues are. 1) I'm biracial and I don't date black men, who seem to be the only men who hit on me—my dad was black and absent/alternatively horrible and a black guy raped me in college. I just can't do it, which probably makes me a racist. Don't worry. I beat myself up about it regularly. 2) I don't do vulnerability well because I was severely bullied in middle school. While I've been able to overcome my issues with respect to female friends, I have a hard time opening up to men because I assume that they are going to hurt me terribly and/or try to humiliate me. (It's so bad that I can't have an orgasm with anyone else in the room.) 3) My dad abandoned me, then emotionally abused me (via phone and later e-mail) for pretty much my whole life. And then, before he died of a sudden stroke this year, he made it my fault that we didn't have a relationship because I was so "angry" at him. So, I have a hair trigger when it comes to a guy patronizing me—which men seem to really love doing. 4) I'm incredibly judgmental. If someone doesn't wow me on the first date, he's not getting a second. And I have the unique talent for cross-examining a guy until he incriminates himself as an a$$hole. Or, if a guy is not at least a little attractive, I don't give him the time of day. Basically, no one really has a shot with me. (Also, my grandmother gave me tons of Harlequin romance novels when I was a young teen, so the whole "someone can grow on you" thing is absolutely ridiculous to me.)

So, I know what my issues are. I've talked the shyt out of them. I think I've become a nicer person to be around. I can even observe my issues without castigating myself… sometimes. I've even stopped dating unavailable a$$holes and can generally stop myself from even mentally fixating on them when I run across them. But I'm still not interested in the guys who are interested. I haven't been attracted to anyone in two years. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't really want a relationship. I have a full life. But I've tried everything, and nothing has worked. Online dating has worked for a couple of my friends, so I tried that several times. Now that I'm over 30, I only get messages from 60-year-olds, functionally illiterate guys, or black men who berate me when I say I'm not interested. At my therapist's urging, I've tried different activities: Argentine Tango classes (I left 5 minutes in when no one wanted to dance with me); running club (I could only get myself to go twice and later I got myself a case of runner's knee); sitting at bars and coffee shops by myself (because of my aforementioned judgmental nature, I probably don't seem that approachable).

No one's interested in me, and I'm not interested in anyone. I haven't been on a date in over a year and haven't had sex in a year and a half. I feel like that's really not normal. I miss human contact, even if I have to lock myself in the bathroom with erotica and Mr. Hitachi afterwards. And it's not like I became measurably less physically attractive between 29 and 31. If anything, the yoga and not going out as much has made my skin look better. And I know it's not that, it's the fact that I'm broken. But I can't seem to fix myself in this area of my life. I feel like I'm doing the right things, and nothing is working. It's making me really sad and lonely.

Even though I have all these issues, I think I would be great at a relationship once I got myself into one. I'm warm, caring, and open with my friends and family. I'm super health conscious, so I probably won't ever get too fat and my plan is to drink so much kale juice that people start questioning whether I'm actually a vampire at 40. I'm honest, funny, responsible, and engaging. There's no reason I wouldn't make a great girlfriend/wife/mother/what have you.

So what should I do? Force myself to date the guys who are interested even if I find them repulsive, marry the least awful one so that I can have a baby, and divorce him at 40 when I no longer need logistical assistance with an infant? Resign myself to being alone because I'm irreparably broken and get a sperm donor at 35? Have sex with an a$$hole I'm at least attracted to just to have someone touch me? Or how do I open myself up so I meet someone who suits me? I'm kind of at a loss here.

Thanks,

Sad, Lonely, and Stuck
Click to expand...

Discuss.
 
no.

no.

girls just wanna have funds
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Dear Polly,

I have a big problem. Actually a multitude of big problems that have coalesced into a giant problem. I am 31, and I cannot figure out what to do with respect to my romantic life. All my friends from college/grad school are married or partnered and I feel really unwanted. I'm attractive and outgoing, which has given me the opportunity to make many, many, MANY mistakes with respect to men. In my early 20s, I dumped every single guy who seemed truly interested in me in favor of college athletes, bros of various shapes and sizes, and I dated my philandering high school crush for a year when I should have known better.

I also did well at some great schools, moved around the country, made some great friends, stopped having an eating disorder, and figured out that I don't want to be a lawyer for the rest of my life. I figured out that I'm actually really a writer and went about finishing one (really funny) screenplay and starting another. I have my shyt fairly together. I do a lot of hot yoga. I throw a kick ass dinner party. People seem to enjoy my company.

The only thing I can't figure out is how to get myself into a good relationship. I've been seeing a therapist for a year, and I think I've figured out what my issues are. 1) I'm biracial and I don't date black men, who seem to be the only men who hit on me—my dad was black and absent/alternatively horrible and a black guy raped me in college. I just can't do it, which probably makes me a racist. Don't worry. I beat myself up about it regularly. 2) I don't do vulnerability well because I was severely bullied in middle school. While I've been able to overcome my issues with respect to female friends, I have a hard time opening up to men because I assume that they are going to hurt me terribly and/or try to humiliate me. (It's so bad that I can't have an orgasm with anyone else in the room.) 3) My dad abandoned me, then emotionally abused me (via phone and later e-mail) for pretty much my whole life. And then, before he died of a sudden stroke this year, he made it my fault that we didn't have a relationship because I was so "angry" at him. So, I have a hair trigger when it comes to a guy patronizing me—which men seem to really love doing. 4) I'm incredibly judgmental. If someone doesn't wow me on the first date, he's not getting a second. And I have the unique talent for cross-examining a guy until he incriminates himself as an a$$hole. Or, if a guy is not at least a little attractive, I don't give him the time of day. Basically, no one really has a shot with me. (Also, my grandmother gave me tons of Harlequin romance novels when I was a young teen, so the whole "someone can grow on you" thing is absolutely ridiculous to me.)

So, I know what my issues are. I've talked the shyt out of them. I think I've become a nicer person to be around. I can even observe my issues without castigating myself… sometimes. I've even stopped dating unavailable a$$holes and can generally stop myself from even mentally fixating on them when I run across them. But I'm still not interested in the guys who are interested. I haven't been attracted to anyone in two years. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't really want a relationship. I have a full life. But I've tried everything, and nothing has worked. Online dating has worked for a couple of my friends, so I tried that several times. Now that I'm over 30, I only get messages from 60-year-olds, functionally illiterate guys, or black men who berate me when I say I'm not interested. At my therapist's urging, I've tried different activities: Argentine Tango classes (I left 5 minutes in when no one wanted to dance with me); running club (I could only get myself to go twice and later I got myself a case of runner's knee); sitting at bars and coffee shops by myself (because of my aforementioned judgmental nature, I probably don't seem that approachable).

No one's interested in me, and I'm not interested in anyone. I haven't been on a date in over a year and haven't had sex in a year and a half. I feel like that's really not normal. I miss human contact, even if I have to lock myself in the bathroom with erotica and Mr. Hitachi afterwards. And it's not like I became measurably less physically attractive between 29 and 31. If anything, the yoga and not going out as much has made my skin look better. And I know it's not that, it's the fact that I'm broken. But I can't seem to fix myself in this area of my life. I feel like I'm doing the right things, and nothing is working. It's making me really sad and lonely.

Even though I have all these issues, I think I would be great at a relationship once I got myself into one. I'm warm, caring, and open with my friends and family. I'm super health conscious, so I probably won't ever get too fat and my plan is to drink so much kale juice that people start questioning whether I'm actually a vampire at 40. I'm honest, funny, responsible, and engaging. There's no reason I wouldn't make a great girlfriend/wife/mother/what have you.

So what should I do? Force myself to date the guys who are interested even if I find them repulsive, marry the least awful one so that I can have a baby, and divorce him at 40 when I no longer need logistical assistance with an infant? Resign myself to being alone because I'm irreparably broken and get a sperm donor at 35? Have sex with an a$$hole I'm at least attracted to just to have someone touch me? Or how do I open myself up so I meet someone who suits me? I'm kind of at a loss here.

Thanks,
Sad, Lonely, and Stuck
Click to expand...

Any black man worth his salt is too good for this woman, in my humble opinion. Any man worth his salt regardless of race, in fact. She's a trainwreck waiting to happen.
 
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BlackBieber

BlackBieber

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I don't wanna downplay her awful experiences, but I don't get the logic behind condemning a whole group of men just cause of 2 bad black men she's met in her life. Oh well, at least she's aware she's in the wrong. I can respect that and her honesty.

Like I said, I wanna save her :wow: :lupe:
 
Taadow

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*takes sip of this Henn*

1. This letter started and ended with her lightweight saying she's concerned about this mainly
because her friends/peers are doing this and she's not.
2. She's 31 and mad a chit that happened in middle school (even after hashing that out
with her therapist).
3. It doesn't seem like she likes men.
4. It irks me (and i'm sure some others) when women start listing unrelated accomplishments
as proof they should have a "good" man. I mean, she said she "throws a mean dinner party"...
5. She's gonna get wifed...I wish her and her husband the best.
 
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