So that’s all done if you move to Denver. This is one of those real problems with no easy solution.
I lived one state over from my son before and I would see him on weekends, but moving across country is something else entirely.
How would you manage the lack of quality time? Can you deal with the consequences of not being there?
I guess emotionally, I'm trying to be okay with sacrificing consistent time with them, with the fact I'll make more money, but get to see them more in summer...
Our current agreement with my oldest kids' mom, is I see them first 3 weekends, Friday evening to Sunday evening. That's 6 days/month, 84 days/year. There are random occasions I get the girls during a school week, but they are rare, so let's say within a year's time, they spend about ~3 other overnights per year with me. That's an average of 87 days/year with me...
I've been traveling for work since January 2022, and on average I travel about ~4 months a year (124 days). I obviously haven't moved from Raleigh, and the position that I travel for, pays more than when I'm at home, so I sacrifice the normal time I get with the girls while I'm gone, so in reality I see the girls probably ~60 overnights/year...
We have our final mediation date to attempt to reach an agreement on the 17th, she's long opposed giving me more time with the girls...
I guess I should add here, that while I have a "good" job that I enjoy, I am in the market for another job with a higher salary, as I've hit a ceiling in my current company, unless I move to Denver with them. Prior to yesterday, I've filled out 9 apps this year, and been on 3 interviews, nothing has clicked yet. Like I said, I don't absolutely "need" a new job, I have a good one, but if I can find the right situation, I'll take it...
I'm giving this backdrop because you asked what I'd do in absence of quality time. I only have them about ~60 days/year as is, if I move, I can make that time back, let's say, with ~7 weeks in summer (42 days) coming to see me wherever I live; at least ~14 days of holiday time with me (so that puts me at 56 days as we've already agreed to a rotating holiday schedule); and there are probably at least 4 days during the school year that I could make it back and see them. So from a pure math equation, I've rationalized that I could still see them woth the frequency that I see them when I'm at home...
My youngest daughter lives an hour from me, and I see her, when I see my oldest girls, as realistically I can't drive 2-hours round-trip each day, though I'll say that if she lived in the same city as me, her mom would let me have her more than just weekends...
But to your question of, can I deal with the consequences of not physically being there, my honest answer is I don't know that I can. It's weighed on me plenty, and I'll repeat again, I've always lived in the same city, or within an hour, of my daughters, in the 8+ years I've been a father. Obviously I was with their mothers for a time (with my oldests' mom, until my oldest was 3; with my youngest's mom, until she was 15 months); so over 4 years of being in the home, with my children when I was with their mothers...
And the other 4+ years I've been a dad, I've always been in the same city, or an hour away...
So it would be a significant emotional adjustment, if I moved to another state, and you know what, I don't know how willing I am to do this, honestly. That goes beyond the math equation, because being in arm's reach does allow for a different presence in their lives, and in the same time zone allows for having a different presence...
So it really has me revisiting a thought I've had before:
Going to Sacramento (or Denver) in the summers, staying in Raleigh in the school year. So all I really need is a summer schedule, that alots for me having the girls with me in the summer, and scratches my itch of getting away from Raleigh part time, exposing my kids to different areas, etc. This is a thought I've had for over a year, that allows me to still be in their lives as is, with no major adjustment, and I've had this idea for longer than I've had the thought of just relocating entirely...
Understood. I’m sure you’re active and in your children’s lives. What I’m saying though is it’s physically impossible to be an active father living states away. It’s just not possible. So what I listed out is exactly what being an “active” father would look like in the circumstances you’re proposing.
Again. Every decision comes with a cost. Realized or not. Acknowledge it. That’s just the facts.
We gotta stop the cap.
This is a manufactured problem with an easy solution. OP needs to sit down and stay where his kids are at until they are old enough to be ok with living states away. OP is making money handling his responsibilities right now. Why throw that out of balance.
I know I’m all in this thread but I’ll never advocate for a black father to willingly up and move away from his children especially for no legitimate reason (taking care of a close relative at their end of life, job loss, mental breakdown etc,.).
I appreciate your responses, bruh!
No way in hell my kids not gonna be under the same roof as me.. got me all the way fukked up
I once said this
it isn't that simple once you and the kids' mom break up, unless she willingly gives primary custody to you, or she is otherwise an unfit mother...
