I'm new here. I've been addicted to cocaine for about 2 years now. When I moved to this country 5 years go, I launched a software company, and started making a lot of money. A lot. My life changed, I bought a sport car, rented a huge loft condo on 3 levels, and started throwing massive parties every weekend.
My wife and I had been together for 13 years, and all this was really exciting.
We befriended a couple - I'll call them Peter and Janice - who were heavily into drugs, and partied with them a lot. MDMA once or twice a week, at least 2 to 4 tabs each time. Lots of alcohol. Lots of weed. Shrooms. LSD... and cocaine, daily.
Then slowly things changed, and our friends, my wife and I all decided we'd stop cocaine, before it went out of control...
COCAINE
They all stopped, I couldn't. It helped me work so much. The more I did it, the more money I made... and I just loved who I was when I was high on cocaine.
I never stopped, but didn't tell them. I only told our friend Peter, as he was providing blow for me. From my wife, and our other friend I was hiding. I would do a small line every 30 to 60 minutes, every day. My lines were tiny, but I needed them.
I finally told my wife I was still using...
She helped me get away from cocaine, then made me promise not to ever do it again. She said she would leave me if I did.
THE LIES
Finally My wife and I decided we wouldn't see our friends anymore. We found out that one of them (peter) was a registered sex offender, and the other one was a chronic liar.
My wife and I decided we would have a normal life.
So I deleted all my dealers' phone numbers, erased text messages, etc... and it worked for a couple of month. No more cocaine.
But I was hooked.
And the wife and I were fighting everyday... I was always depressed, and irritated.
One day, after a big fight, I went in the street, in "cracktown" (the dopy area of my city), and I was quickly offered powder. I bought a tiny little dose. It was really bad quality, so much worse than what I was used to.
But it felt so good.
I went back the next time my wife and I had a fight. I got 2 little doses this time.
Bad quality, mixed with speed. Couldn't sleep, would block my sinuses like hell, couldn't sleep, was sniffling all night.
Finally I would make up excuses to go to cracktown every night, at 10pm, to get a few doses. I would pretend we needed milk, or I needed some smokes, or whatever...
A couple of times, my guy didn't have powder, and gave me "hard" instead (rock, crack).
I went back home, waited for the wife to be asleep, and smoked it. It was awful and amazing at the same time. The next day was hell. I never did it again, thank god.
I was depressed all the time.
MY WIFE LEAVES ME
My wife and I had another big fight... and finally she left me. for good, she said.
I begged, I cried, almost tried to kill myself, or at least I pretended I would kill myself. I'm that kind of coward, you know... It was a nightmare for her and for me. I don't blame her for leaving me, I was a ghost.
All the time I was with my wife, and secretly doing blow, I felt so guilty... and most of the time, I would only do it when she went away with her girlfriends, and I was left alone at home.
GOING DOWNHILL
However, once she was gone, the guild was gone too. I had no limit. I started doing it every single day. I would go to cracktown, and get 2 to 5 doses, almost everyday. That was 6 months ago.
When I was high I would send my wife threatening texts, and emails, asking her to come back... I scared her. She still didn't know I was using.
About a month ago, I've found a decent dealer's number. He sells me the equivalent amount of 10 street doses for a very decent price, and the quality is really good.
The problem is, now, when I get those big doses from my dealer, I can't help it but do it all at once. I simply can't go to bed, unless I've snorted everything I have.
Then as soon as I've done that last line, I get very depressed. So many suicidal thoughts, all the time.
I miss my wife, I think about her all the time.
I've lost most of my friends as well, and some family members, because I've been such a jerk in the past couple of years.
HEROIN AND OTHER DOWNERS
I was still doing small doses from the street, because I wanted to keep my consumption lower... but the shyt was so bad, I had terrible insomnia.
I met a girl who had lots of pills, and was always willing to give me a couple here and there.
She gave me oxys... I tried to sleep with them. Didn't really work.
I tried morphine next... I really loved it!! But I was just helpless the next day, couldn't work for 48 hours, after taking these pills...
Then I tried snorting, then smoking heroin a few time. I kinda liked it, but couldn't sleep either. I would smoke a bump/line of H over aluminum foil. One hit, waited 30minutes... another hit, waited 5 mintutes... another another another... just couldn't stop it, until I had no more down at home. Then I puked all morning, and fell asleep.
Tonight, It's 6:21am, haven't slept at all, I still have plenty of blow left. My guy gave me two pills of clonazepam 0.5g. I had never tried them before. I had a panic attack 2 hours ago (as always around 4am), I took 0.25g of that Clonazepam pill, and the panic attack went away almost immediately.
I ordered through mail order a big bag of Kratom, to make some downer tea, hopefully, it'll make me sleep when I'm high on cocaine, I'll let you know.
WEALTHY JUNKY
Nobody knows how much of a junky I've became.
People know I'm depressed, but they think it's only because my wife left me.
I'm pretty wealthy. I make almost $30K / month. It's over 10 times what most people I know make. Ok I have a lot of living expenses, but still, even tho I buy drugs everyday, it doesn't affect my lifestyle at all. It's quiet the opposite, I work more when I'm high, and I make more money.
Everytime I try to quit, I become useless workwise, I just stay in bed all day, and watch discovery chanel... and a couple of days later, I'm back in the street buying 5 doses of coke, and 2 doses of down, or I call my guy, and he delivers a big bad full... Sometime I get really high and drunk, and I call in an escort. When it happens, I'm so high on coke+booze that I can't get hard. I'm also really scared of STDs, so I rather not fukk her anyway. We just do lines together, take a bath, get naked and fool around... then she leaves, and I call two more girls... then I try to sleep. I fall asleep around 1 or 2pm.
The next I really feel like shyt. I feel stupid for spending a thousand bucks on girls, while it would be so much easier to go to a bar and pickup an drunk chick... I think I'm just trying to destroy every bit of self respect I might have left.
I want my life back so bad. I used to be happy. My wife, who left me is the person I adore the most on this earth... I do stupid things, like mixing alcohol, cocaine, and heroin, knowing it's dangerous and secretly hopping I never wake up... I don't want to commit suicide, but I kinda hope I die anyway...
I just want my life back, but I know it's too late.
I'm just another idiot who thought he was stronger than the drugs. And I've failed.
I need help, but I don't know what to do, because tomorrow if I still have some coke left, I'll just be happy, and I wont want to quit anymore...
I only want to quit when I'm in withdrawal. When I'm not, I think "It's not THAT bad.... the high is worth the withdrawal!" but at night, I think the opposite...
I don't know what to do, I need help.
I think I'm slowly going to kill myself.
Next month, I'm to take a roadtrip with a drugless friend (she knows nothing about my problem), for a month or two, across the states. There's no way I'll do drugs on that trip, simply because I won't know where to find it, and I'll be with my friend the whole time anyway...
I hope I can get clean when I'm back home, a month or two after... but What if I relapse... then I'm hopeless ?
I need to get clean if I want to have a tiny chance for my wife to come back, one day.
It's my dearest dream.
They will post photos of women they find attractive then start threads on the shyt trying to figure out what percentage of "aryan" they are to justify their attraction 
I remember running into those forums way back in da day, they were pissed off because they thought Amy Dumas (Lita from wrestling) might be part indigenous peoples/french, then they were outraged that Natalie Portman was Jewish 
shyt was hilarious but sad at the same time.
could ya drop some links.
