I remember as a young breh back in them Sunday School days where the different age groups'n'shyt would break off to different parts of the church to do their respective Sunday School classes before everyone joined together in the main part of the building and had church, I'd sneak off during the throng of folk and go hide in a cupboard or pop on over to this abandoned bathroom thing and chill there watching goats fight for supremacy out in them bushes
Now the church is sorta built like a house, kitchen downstairs with a spare room converted into a makeshift bedroom with a bed'n'shyt for whatever, but Caribbean churches back in the 90's got REAL stuck on that fukking song and story "The Upper Room."
and it's like the minute ANY church back in them days got any kind of money, the first thing they did was build a back room and call it that.
Now for practical purposes, as far as my church was concerned, this was a nice little room for visiting pastors when hotel rooms couldn't be bought or they couldn't find anybody to take him/her and that was cool, but on the particular day I took my church dodging ass up them steps and was looking for a nice vantage spot to perch and bolt the minute someone came looking for me, I'm hearing a bunch of fukking hushed laughter and mouth to skin type murmuring shyts
.
Now I'm looking at the door to the bedroom (I was on the right, sorta near the bathroom door which was thankfully outside) incase I had to dash in and lock myself away and I'm hearing what sounded like some coy ass petting turned into some very unabashed, hip slapping fukking but bear in mind I'm like 11 or some shyt since Pokemon Red was out and I was pissed off during that era 'cause moms wouldn't let me bring the shyts to church so I ain't thinking about cheeks or popping boners on cute chicks so Instead of going
I'm like
.
Now this is the reason I spoilered this shyt 'cause got I got a habit of going off on tangents about shyt that might not seem germane to the story and lengthen it
, but I'ma tell y'all about the doorknob to the bedroom door.
It was one of them simple joints that was just a knob and that's it. No keyhole, no visible screw, just a knob and that's it. It's only function is to close the door and open it when turned. I was well keen on these sort of knobs 'cause I've seen 'em before and ever since one of my older cousins showed me how to open 'em even if they locked on the other side, I noticed you could just slowly but firmly turn the shyts and get little to NO sound from it so....In I went, my retarded ass, brimming with confidence in being able to crack the door open just a peek and
There he was, the visiting pastor....wearing the shyt out of this chubby light skinned chick with some big ass breasts. I mean, she clothed in her church gear, skirt shyt lifted up, he got his top suit on'n'shyt and they just going at it.
Well him, that's the first time I saw doggy style IRL with the dude holding the chicks arms behind her back. Now I can remember this shyt to a tee but I know back then as a kid I was like
and that's it,
t'weren't my business and I wasn't about to stay about and watch that shyt back then, So I was about to head on out downstairs 'cause I know they'd have to pass me by the bathroom to freshen up or whatever the fukk, I'm going outside, turning the door knob and the fukking knob starts turning by itself downstairs.
I fukking panic and run my ass upstairs to the bathroom, close the shyts, lock the shyts and jump in the tub, thinking somebody going to catch my ass in the upper room and tell my Mom's
Somebody starts pounding on the door and I'm hearing this gruff dude like "Who in there? Open the door! open the door!" and I recognize this ain't no dude from out fukking church, but even then I'm a little kid so any adult is authority, so I flush the toilet and go "Finishing up, gimmie a second!", open the door and some big beefy motherfukker snatches me up on some bullshyt like
"What'chu doing here bwoy! Church done start! Why you in here?? WHO YOU FOR?!"
I'm like "
"Using the bathroom sir...using the bathroom..." And this dude got my hand in a grip like he about to go look for a belt and he don't want me to run away. and I'm like "Yo Yo...for real, you creasing my church clothes fool!
" and then out comes the visiting Pastor (You know he came out alone..
) fresh cologne, fukking with his tie (The shyts was on and I'm sure that bytch tied it for him) fully clothed wanting to know what's going on, looking at me and his partner (They both were from a sister church) and both of them fools looking freshly minted Monstars to me
Looking down at my diminutive ass (pause) like they 'bout to kick my ass until Brother Steve (Gawd bless him) popped in, wanted to know if the pastor was ready, saw me and was like "Why you all got him hold up so? What he do?"
I'm busy trying to explain myself and pull out of dude's hold (Still had me held up) and Bro Steve took me from him and I make up my excuse about using this bathroom 'cause the main bathroom was occupied by Sister George (nice elderly lady, took her time in them bathrooms though) so Bro Steve bought it, sent me on my way and dealt with them dudes I guess, fukk it. No need to go more into this shyt. Overseas Pastor was fukking a young thot on church property.
The last thing I remember doing that day was asking my Mom about that traveling Pastor dude and his homey and I slipped up and asked if that high coloured chick (Pointed her smiling ass out, she was glowing that entire fukking service too..
) if that was his wife and she hit me with the
"Why would you think that?" "For real...what made you ask that?"
like she was already hip to what was happening.
It's only until like when I hit my 20's or so and my Mom, Aunt and Cousins her age were talking about that shyt, they remarked on how 'loose' that chick was and how she had a kid for a certain pastor and she somehow found out about me hiding in that add on at the back of the church on that particular day he was over that time. She even had the heart to ask me if I seen shyt despite knowing I HAD to had asked about that dude and that chick as a younging for a fukkin' reason.
I typed all that shyt 'cause it's Friday and I wanted to kickstart the fukkery. Y'all enjoy the rest of the day.
?" I'm like "
man, brett hart" He said "cool. That's what u walked in on. We was just wrestlin. We couldn't sleep, so we went to the basement so we wouldnt wake anybody."
So damn awkward, and yet so damn funny at the same time. Such a good laugh this morning. I wish I could rep. Hold this dap & 5 breh.
Mainly adults.
