Sister Mary Clarence
I pronounce us ready to eat. Amen.
I've dealt with it for years. I lost a friend suddenly at 17 and it crept up on me and turned into anxiety/depression a few years later. Turns out it runs in my family.
The fukked up thing is, it's not a "my life isn't in order" depression. I have all I need, time, money, family. But no matter how much I do (exercise, reading, writing, *insert self help activity here) it never fully leaves.
I honestly think some people are just genetically/chemically prone to it. Which sucks, but it is what it is. I've dealt with it by setting up a space for myself (my apartment, I live alone) in which I have all the things I love (music stuff, my pet, etc) always around, and I make sure to do nice things for myself. Even if they are small. Making tea. Taking a hot shower. Reading something I like. Like I said, it never fully cures it but it definitely helps.
I've thought about suicide many times. The fukked up thing is, the disease or whatever it is makes you think it would be a good idea. Tells you that no one around you would care. And with how shytty people can be to each other sometimes, how self absorbed we are as a society, it's not hard to believe that when your mind is not in a good place. I'll get spurts of "everything is great, stop with that madness" and then the sheer stupidity of 99% of people coupled with the ain't-shytness of most of the people I thought were friends hits me and I get back into my "fukk it, none of this matters" mentality.
A shrink once told me I suffer from existential depression. Basically, I think too much about how shyt sucks. And I'm intelligent enough to rationalize that none of this means anything. Therefor, why not do it? It's a hard one to get around for me.
Anyway, I'm glad people are opening up in here, and with all of that being said, I truly hope no one goes through with it. I'm around to talk with anyone who wants to, just PM me.
The fukked up thing is, it's not a "my life isn't in order" depression. I have all I need, time, money, family. But no matter how much I do (exercise, reading, writing, *insert self help activity here) it never fully leaves.
I honestly think some people are just genetically/chemically prone to it. Which sucks, but it is what it is. I've dealt with it by setting up a space for myself (my apartment, I live alone) in which I have all the things I love (music stuff, my pet, etc) always around, and I make sure to do nice things for myself. Even if they are small. Making tea. Taking a hot shower. Reading something I like. Like I said, it never fully cures it but it definitely helps.
I've thought about suicide many times. The fukked up thing is, the disease or whatever it is makes you think it would be a good idea. Tells you that no one around you would care. And with how shytty people can be to each other sometimes, how self absorbed we are as a society, it's not hard to believe that when your mind is not in a good place. I'll get spurts of "everything is great, stop with that madness" and then the sheer stupidity of 99% of people coupled with the ain't-shytness of most of the people I thought were friends hits me and I get back into my "fukk it, none of this matters" mentality.
A shrink once told me I suffer from existential depression. Basically, I think too much about how shyt sucks. And I'm intelligent enough to rationalize that none of this means anything. Therefor, why not do it? It's a hard one to get around for me.
Anyway, I'm glad people are opening up in here, and with all of that being said, I truly hope no one goes through with it. I'm around to talk with anyone who wants to, just PM me.
. Been down that path, and hope to God I don't go down it again. When I thought about what it would do to the younglings, mom, pops, and baby bro, I couldn't do it. Remember that shyt vividly. I would literally recite that line every day: "I wake up in the morning and I ask myself, is life worth living should I blast myself?" Dark ass time. 2013 - early '15...
