Excerpt from my novel.
- Thread starter Neuromancer
- Start date
levitate
I love you, you know.
I love this sentence. The visuals coupled with the double alliteration (fire, from, focused: bombarding, abandon).
In other words...
Who do you think the pale invaders are?Make sure to kill off all the cacs
Thanks.I love this sentence. The visuals coupled with the double alliteration (fire, from, focused: bombarding, abandon).
In other words...
I'm a comic writer by trade. I'm going for a more philip k dikk style approach.first step of editing is to do the second thing you said
what's your target age range here?
if it's adults, and ones who are into high fantasy/science fiction, one thing i'll say off the top of my head is to not make that chapter one, not without a sophisticated introduction. there's too much exposure from the very beginning. i feel like i've read half the book by reading that big paragraph you put. draw that out slowly.
in fact, start with his mom reading the paper as your first sentence. break up all that info about his dad, his project, et al and place it into varying parts of the narrative
just my initial thoughts. like i said, it's a dope idea, but it's the type that has to be done very delicately or it just reads like a comic book. which is cool, if that's what you wanna write, but i think you're going for something with a different type of narrative spine.
I like it a lot. The only thing is the way you go in and out of him fighting and his thoughts, it's a little confusing.
Thanks it's just the draft . I'm gonna clean it up . Thanks.
dennis roadman
nuclear war in my bag
K. dikk is the GOAT but I didn't really see his style here
More Asimov tbh. Phil never really tells you a lot about one person in one place
PS if you wrote this as a YA novel, you wouldn't have to change much, in my opinion
Okay, it's very promising, i usually know if I'll enjoy a book if I'm able to read the first couple of paragraphs without getting distracted and I was a bit rivited by the little that you shared. Can't wait to read the rest.
Hmm.maybe I'll do that. There is more money in it I guess. You think I write like Asimov?
thank you breh.
Thank you.
dennis roadman
nuclear war in my bag
Hmm.maybe I'll do that. There is more money in it I guess. You think I write like Asimov?
chill breh i meant more asimov than PKDi dont hand out compliments to writers who dont pay me
I get you. I'm going for something less complex. William Gibson's opening line to Neuromancer like.
i dont hand out compliments to writers who dont pay me
dennis roadman
nuclear war in my bag
That's a bright star to shoot at
platinum f1a$k
Banned
Nice. Do you do freelance writing @The Grendel , or have any colleagues you can refer?