Might have HIV, thinking about ending it for good.
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on: July 20, 2014, 12:50:53 AM »
I have a very serious problem. I can’t discuss it with my family or my friends, so I’m turning to you, the multitudes of the Internet. I just need to get this off my chest.
I’m bisexual, and for the past year have been in a solid relationship with a great girl. I love her very much and we were talking about getting married and having kids and living happily ever after.
Then a month ago, both of us were stressed from work and family troubles, we got into a huge fight and didn’t speak for a month. We reconciled a few days ago and things are just as good as ever. So now my life can get back on track right?
No.
In the month we were apart I hooked up with a guy for a one night stand. We used protection and all seemed fine. I can’t justify it. I was frustrated and angry and it just seemed to happen. That was 12 days ago. Last night I came down with a high fever, 103.5, plus a non-productive cough. Today the fever lessened and came down to about 100 and has stayed that way. I immediately feared the worst and went to a doctor. They seemed to think it more likely a viral infection of the throat but I couldn’t help but think, “what if?”. They drew some blood and sent it away for p24 antigen testing, which apparently is pretty reliable if the exposure time is short. Since today is Saturday though the test wont actually be done until Monday or Tuesday, so I have several days to stew on it. Luckily my gf and I haven’t had sex yet since getting back together, so she’s safe.
There is another confusing part. I’ve actually felt sick for about three weeks now. I thought it was a cold I caught from someone at work. It was very mild, just a sore throat and some coughing, mild fever. After that I caught pink eye, and had a cough that would not go away. I was treated with antibiotics, which never really fixed the problem. Although my throat felt a lot better, I still had a very mild cough and some post-nasal drip. This was all before my one night stand.
Last night the cough got worse again, along with the high fever. So the question is, are my symptoms now from primary retroviral infection or just some throat infection that won’t go away?
I’ve worked myself into a terror thinking about it. My gf is a germ freak, and I can’t imagine how she’ll react if I have HIV. There is no way I’ll be able to look her in the eye to tell her how I got it either. Having it would likely be the end of my relationship with her. I’ll never be able to have kids, and every time I look in the mirror I’ll only see my shame and self-disgust over throwing away my girl, my health, and my future over some pointless, easily forgettable sexual encounter IN MY DAMN CAR. I wont be able to face her, or my family. I’ve thrown everything away for nothing.
Therefore, I have a solution. If that test comes back positive, I’m going to drive out to some nice scenic spot, and shoot myself in the head.
I’m sorry to make this so long, and it may seem a cry for help, but its not. I just needed to tell someone, anyone, even if it’s someone I’ve never met. I’m not going to end up in therapy or some support group. If positive, I’ve ruined my life with my stupidity and inability to control myself. I deserve it.
right about now.
) 
and don't think there are any consequences. 
there
just read that damn forum