Able Archer 83
Two Minutes to Midnight
In my life, I've had a bunch of health problems. I was born with severe scoliosis, and it's only gotten worse as I've gotten older. I've had surgeries, but it's only slowed the progress, not solved the problem (it's unsolvable). There's a lot of structural problems, like my head is turned so that I'm almost permanently looking over my left shoulder. I had to have corrective surgery on one of my feet. I have a ton of nerve damage; I can barely feel anything below my waist and have no bladder control. I can barely walk.
Note that I'm not complaining, nor seeking any kind of sympathy, just explaining the current circumstances. I haven't lived a bad life. My parents provided me with a good middle class lifestyle. I've held a job for nearly twenty years. I've gotten a couple of degrees. By my own standards--and those are the only standards I really care about--I've accomplished a lot. I've actually accomplished everything I've set out to do. A hundred years ago, I would have been dead at thirty years, I think.
The problem is that two times in the past two-and-a-half years I've been in the hospital. The first was an episode of pericarditis; it close to two months of fighting for breath. They drained my pericardial sac, and that was that. Earlier this year, I had cellulitis; my leg swelled up to the size of a zeppelin, and I was in the hospital for ten days. It was like a minimum security prison. And every time I end up in the hospital, I feel diminished, like it gets that much harder to go on. I feel like a shell of what I was even five years ago.
As I've said, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do, traveled everywhere I can travel (within the US; leaving the country would frankly be impossible due to the logistics involved). What more is there to do? What reason is there to go on besides going on? I feel like I'm an athlete in garbage time, doing nothing but padding up the stats for the entertainment of other people.
I suppose I'd just like the opinions of an objective stranger over how I'm feeling. Do I owe it to my loved ones to go on? Is my mentality selfish? Any tips on how to break out of this mentality, if there are any?
Any insights would be welcome and appreciated.
Note that I'm not complaining, nor seeking any kind of sympathy, just explaining the current circumstances. I haven't lived a bad life. My parents provided me with a good middle class lifestyle. I've held a job for nearly twenty years. I've gotten a couple of degrees. By my own standards--and those are the only standards I really care about--I've accomplished a lot. I've actually accomplished everything I've set out to do. A hundred years ago, I would have been dead at thirty years, I think.
The problem is that two times in the past two-and-a-half years I've been in the hospital. The first was an episode of pericarditis; it close to two months of fighting for breath. They drained my pericardial sac, and that was that. Earlier this year, I had cellulitis; my leg swelled up to the size of a zeppelin, and I was in the hospital for ten days. It was like a minimum security prison. And every time I end up in the hospital, I feel diminished, like it gets that much harder to go on. I feel like a shell of what I was even five years ago.
As I've said, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do, traveled everywhere I can travel (within the US; leaving the country would frankly be impossible due to the logistics involved). What more is there to do? What reason is there to go on besides going on? I feel like I'm an athlete in garbage time, doing nothing but padding up the stats for the entertainment of other people.
I suppose I'd just like the opinions of an objective stranger over how I'm feeling. Do I owe it to my loved ones to go on? Is my mentality selfish? Any tips on how to break out of this mentality, if there are any?
Any insights would be welcome and appreciated.
