Im in a werid place, where I dont really want to live or know how to live, but at the same time I dont have what it takes to kill myself, I'm in limbo I guess.
I was thinking, after visiting my grand parents house. They're in their 80's and still living in the same house they raised us in. They still live have the same routine and lifestyle they had for decades, which is totally fine. They raised like 8 children and like 15 grand kids, 2 great grand kids. They still have to deal with my aunts and uncles depending on them, they cant get a break, my granddad have to nail a piece of wood to lock his tools shed because nikkas try to break into it at night. And they're good people that cant say "no" and people just simply try to abuse their goodness, and it makes my realize something. There is no such thing as love, peace, justice, karma. Evil wins in this world. This whole society is based off who can manipulate others for their own self gratification.
What If u cant function in society, cant be satisfied by nothing that mankind can provide, how does one become happy?
Some say family, but what if you don't have one? or care to have one?
some say religion...but what if you're too much of a reflective thinker to honesty follow religion, even if you want to?
What if money, material, or the opposite sex cant satisfy you? what do u strive for?
What do you do once hope becomes bleak? where you cant even see your way out of the darkness, so optimism is totally non existence, what u do?
I wake up every morning and its like that movie groundhogs day or the Truman show. Like a re-run, being lopped over and over. And its like that for us all right? no big deal, we always find something to strive for, or something to keep our minds occupied as time fillers...but when u think about it, life is pointless. I think my thirst for knowledge and my curiosity finally backfired, But I'm stubborn, I cant get enough, I keep digging deeper and deeper, going further down the rabbit hole and now I've reached a place I simply cant return from. I guess I'm damaged goods, unless the men in black can flash that red beam on me.
I never drink or did drugs, my mind is too powerful, I'm a glutton for punishment, I like to accept reality head on, I don't want to run from it, I like to taste it, and it taste bitter, but yet I always come back for seconds.
how are happy people happy? or atleast appear to be happy? it intrigues me, what is it going on in their heads that make them that way? how do they gain optimism. I don't know, but more and more the envy I have for them is turning into resentment.
I think the way to achieve happiness is to simply trick yourself into believing meaningless things are important, like your favorite team winning a championship. Why is that something to be celebrated? I don't get it? who cares? Reality TV, who cares? right? The only way to function is to be totally indoctrinated by pop culture or have a taste for material items. If you're a man and isn't interested in chasing or attracting women ? how do u function? what is you're goal now?
I've came to the conclusion life is a complete illusion, a facade, filled with liars, fakers, thieves, vultures to be exact, people putting on false acts, superficial appearances in order to gain your trust. chasing brands, labels and symbols. Trying to attain a lifestyle that's totally nonexistence, and they'll cut anybody throat to get it.
This society isnt one of god but one of mankind, its a total man made illusion, created by human beings and not god, the lord
