Negative thoughts breh. I can go some days without but my brain tricks me to believe it’ll make me feel better
Since you know the source, negative thoughts, and you know your brain tricks you to believe you'll feel better and the end result is either that it doesn't, or it doesn't in a sustainable way and the fact that there is additional hurt when your wife finds out and the guilt of becoming a father,
First you need to find a coping skill/outlet other than the drinking...cause that's not working.
Then eventually you'll have to work with the negative thoughts.
Relapse is a part of the cycle of change.
I'm ladc (licensed alcohol and drug counselor) and have been for just over decade.
I would suggest going somewhere and having an alcohol/substance use evaluation done. Then you can have a proper diagnosis on how severe the issue is and what level of treatment is necessary.
If you have good insurance and even benefits from a job a lot of them will help with outpatient treatment or intensive outpatient treatment. I'd recommend it but I'm definitely biased.