WaddupDoe!
Steez.
C'mon Maaaaaain.
Ironmike Ditka just doesnt give a fukk.
- Thread starter WaddupDoe!
- Start date
C'mon Maaaaaain.
TezMilli
All Star
At this point Ditka prolly wearing Depends for men. He def don't give a fukk
beenz
Rap Guerilla
man, ditka is known for his shennanigans. they are actually legendary. this is just a drop in the bucket for him.
beenz
Rap Guerilla
"He Reeked Of Jim Beam And Slim Jims": Your Best Mike Ditka Stories
"He Reeked Of Jim Beam And Slim Jims": Your Best Mike Ditka Stories
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Kevin Draper
Filed to: ditkabag11/06/14 4:36pm
Yesterday we posted Andy Richter's telling of Mike Ditka doing "one of the most senselessly arrogant & aggressive things" he'd ever witnessed. It seems that nearly everybody that has ever stepped foot in Chicago has a Mike Ditka story, usually involving cigars, booze, or both. Below are some of our favorites that popped up in the comments.
If you have your own Mike Ditka story to tell, please share it in the comments or e-mail me or Deadspin's tips e-mail with the subject line: Mike Ditka Story. If you have photos or video, even better!
Now, onto the stories.
Apfpilot:
He was doing a Cigar signing for his brand launch. He showed up late, was hammered the entire time and was apparently pretty rude to the people he was signing for, bytching that he had to do it while they were with him. He'd been golfing all day so apparently he was also bright red.
Bulldogz:
True story: he was doing a signing for some of his godawful smokes at a cigar shop in western MA a few years back. He reeked of Jim Beam and Slim Jims, and half an hour in decides he needs a break from signing autographs for the 11 people there, to drop sticks. Seventeen minutes later he's back and a waft of shyt immediately filled the room, evidently he flushed and didn't stick around to realize it had overflowed under the door. Now people are panicking because the water just kept running out onto the floor, the shop owner is doing damage control yelling to one of the staff to get it fixed ASAP and there's Ditka yelling "don't look at me, I just took a goddamn piss!"....despite it being a one-person capacity bathroom that he just walked out of a second earlier!
pascualperezactivated:
Friend was a waitress years ago at his Chicago steakhouse. "Coach" was eating in-house one night with a group of male friends and although she was two weeks new and hadn't met him yet, she got the call to wait on his table. She grew up in Schaumburg and loved Ditka.
Friend: This is such an honor, I'm such a huge fan. It's so great to wait on you guys tonight.
Ditka: (takes cigar out of mouth, looks up at her, and takes a ten second pause)...
Ditka: ...
Ditka: ...
Ditka: (finally, without smiling) Can I eat your p*ssy?
This is a true story.
whiskeytango:
I played blackjack next to him at the New Orleans Harrah's in 2001. It was his first visit back since being kicked out for throwing a lit cigar at a dealer. It was a pretty tense table. I moved over one table, and had the best run of my life.
Spud wrench:
was in Vegas staying at MGM in early 90's. Up late, wandered in the Barbary Coast next door. Saw commotion and a small crowd in back and saw ditka and a buddy playing craps and smoking big stogies in a roped off area. They were accompanied by 2 very very youthful girls who were screeching things like "oh mike" whenever he was throwing dice. Thought to myself, "how sweet, ditka hanging w his granddaughter at Vegas."
EditBay:
Long ago I worked on "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment", and when we were in Chicago we did a prank at Ditka's steakhouse. Same story, he was supposed to help out but he got shytfaced and didn't do everything we needed from him. He got loud and happy and then kind of belligerent.
You can tell he's drunk in the final sketch. But that was early in the day.
IronMikeDUItka:
2010 (I think) Just For Laughs Comedy Festival had a reading of a screenplay for a movie of the "Super Fans" SNL sketch. Written by Bob Odenkirk and Robert Smigel and never produced, they hung on to it for years. Appearances by: George Wendt, Joe Mantegna, Smigel, Odenkirk, and special guest Mike Ditka playing himself. Proceeds went to charity. First show sold out so fast they added a second. Ditka, minutes before the second show, bailed. His last minute replacement was 1985 Chicago Bears OT Keith Van Horne. Crowd nearly rioted when it was announced, and every time Van Horne read a line as Ditka the roof almost caved from the booing. From what I've heard (likely apocryphal) Ditka said "Yeah, I don't feel like it" and walked out.
dailybugle:
Mike Ditka hit on my mom shortly after completely blowing me off earlier in the day. He was going to/coming from a hair cut in my hometown and I was working in retail near by. I saw him on my lunch break and simply said "Hi Coach," or something to that extent and the guy wouldn't even look my way. My lunch break ended and I went back to work. About 5 minutes later, my mom walks into the store I was working at at the time and says how Mike Ditka just walked up to her and started flirting with her while she was tying up the family dog to a light post right outside the store. I'm a lifelong Bears fan, but I'm a little disappointed that my dog didn't bite Da Coach right there.
mahones22:
My grandfather played in a golf tournament in the Chicago burbs years ago - probably mid-90's. Ditka was some sort of celebrity guest at the tournament and was playing in the group behind pop-pop and his buddies. My grandpa's foursome, being men of a certain advanced age who stockpile golf balls like they cost $100 apiece, have a habit of driving the carts very slowly along the edge of each hole that is lined by woods, looking for and picking up lost golf balls in the brush. After about three holes of this, Ditka apparently came peeling up in a golf cart with five boxes of new Titleists. He handed them to my grandfather's partner without leaving his cart and said, through clenched cigar, "These are for youse, but youse can't look for any more fukking golfs balls in the fukking woods", then drove away without waiting for a response.
Actually I don't know if I can blame Ditka for that one.
TLO:
I have been a guest at a country club he belongs to in the northern suburbs of Chicago. He was behind our group during one of the rounds and this is a perfect example of his way or the highway: he was playing in a sixsome, each player in the group had their own golf cart, three fore caddies were also in the group and the play fast as fukk for a shyt ton of money. We were eight holes ahead of them when they started and they caught us on 18 and were loudly grumbling while waiting to tee off because me and my friend missed the fairways on our drives. I can't believe the club lets him pull that crap.
anddave:
My experience was much different. A few years back I saw Mike in either the Admirals or Red Carpet Club at O'Hare. He was in a Chicago Bears leather jacket sitting by himself in a chair just staring ahead, and not moving a muscle. No TV around and just a blank look like a wax figure. It screamed don't approach me, don't talk, don't say hello, don't even think about it.
Nick Dina:
Man, I just heard the coolest story about Ditka from a friend about when he was a kid roaming around a hotel service elevator. They ended up on a terrace where Ditka and other important folk were having a dinner meeting and they stumbled in on it. Staff tried to usher them out, but Ditka told them to be brought to the table and given seats. They thought he was gonna yell at them, but asked them if they were hungry and ordered them plates instead. He chatted, signed things, gave a minor a cigar and now my buddy's father has something Ditka autographed and a Ditka cigar on his mantle.
daRamz:
Ditka owned his own bar and grill in Naples Florida during the late 90s/early 200s. It was the only place you could go watch all the NFL games in Naples, so my brothers and I were there a lot over the Christmas holidays (better than my folks place, for sure).
Ditka was always there, in his own booth and always smoking a cigar with a cocktail in hand.
Sorry to disappoint you, but he was always very nice. Walked around, said hi to everyone, ordered drinks for us when the Rams scored (and they scored a lot back then).
Got nothing but love for Ditka, it was a sad day we he closed the place.
While we're posting funny things about Mike Ditka, here's a belligerent post-game interview he gave to CBS's Johnny Morris in 1988 while in his underwear. It is interesting to see the two heatedly scream at each other, and then quickly pretend nice to shoot the spot. We originally wrote about the video when it surfaced on Youtube four years ago, but it has since been pulled down.
Send us your Mike Ditka stories!
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BaggyTrousersKevin Draper
11/06/14 4:45pm
Johnny Morris was also a Chicago Bear and played alongside Ditka, which is why he did Ch. 2 post game and no other station. They were, I guess the word is, friends, but they often got into heated moments like this in the post game show. Maybe they weren't the closest teammates.
Here's Morris interviewing a drunk Ditka
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Reply4 replies
11/06/14 4:48pm
Worked with Ditka several times. Best story, he agreed to shoot a spot with us in the mid 90's. Dealt with him directly on the deal. No agent. He shows up, fresh from hip surgery. Popped pain pills twice during the one hour shoot. He was so good the client wanted to go a little longer, and create another piece. Approached Mike and asked if he would be willing, and what the cost might be.
He popped another pain pill and said, "Jim, I am making more this afternoon than my Dad did in a year. No problem. Let's go." The truth? He just didn't want anyone to waste his time with wretched excess. Michael Jordan was the same way. If you told him 30 minutes and did it in twenty, and it was good, you got his respect. But wretched artsy excess and squandering time with either Da Coach or MJ? See ya. Gone. In the wind.
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Reply1 repliesChiboomsKevin Draper
11/06/14 4:49pm
Heard this one from a friend but I am pretty confident in it being true. Ditka was over at a lady friend's place when her boyfriend (a cop) walked in and caught them in a compromising position. Ditka picked up his clothes and walked out of the bedroom and told the boyfriend "Da Coach".
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ReplyFoffeeKevin Draper
11/06/14 7:51pm
On three separate occasions, and three different years, I had my butt slapped and/or pinched by Mike Ditka, Bob Hope and Ray Meyer; I was 29, 19 and 15. Match the ages to the individual. Hint: Two times involved marching band (once in college and once in high school), and the other involved a Cook County Circuit Court judge race fundraiser. Second hint: I'm 41. Go!
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Reply2 repliesEvilTomHanksKevin Draper
11/06/14 8:35pm
My Grandfather golfed a whole lot in the Chicagoland area. He'd bring my brother and I along. He helped judge tournaments and was welcome at all sorts of clubs. One afternoon, he takes us out and a club tournament is going on. Ditka and his sons are one group. While we ate our late lunches, his group comes up the 18th fighting like banshees.
The F-Bomb was tossed like it was the only noun they knew. "fukk you, Dad", "Shut the fukk up, I'm fukkin' puttin' ya fukkin' moron!" My grandpa never swore. Which was weird since he was an ex-Marine and worked construction. My brother and I learned 10-20 new words from the Ditka boys that 18th green. My grandpa kind of resembled Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino just without the comedic racism. He was not amused.
After, the clubhouse has drinks and such. My brother and I are sitting watching TV with my grandpa as Ditka walks by. My Grandpa stands up, turns to Ditka and says "Michael, I'd appreciate it if you watched your mouth in front of my Grandsons.". My brother and I are now afraid our 80 year old Grandpa is going to be curbstomped by Da Coach. Ditka replies "Whoah. Sorry bout that Sir. Won't happen again. Don't repeat what ya heard, kids". My grandpa say back down and resumed watching TV and drinking his diet coke. My brother and I realized, when he told us to take our hats off inside, we'd better fukking do it.
Also, I worked as a caddy some and, while I never looped for Ditka, I knew guys who did and they all said he was an awesome tipper.
...and some waffle fries
Superstar
Chris Berman: You nasty b*stard 
beenz
Rap Guerilla
More stories:
"Iron Mike Coldly Leaves Jim Gray": Your Best Mike Ditka Stories
"Iron Mike Coldly Leaves Jim Gray": Your Best Mike Ditka Stories
"Iron Mike Coldly Leaves Jim Gray": Your Best Mike Ditka Stories
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Kevin Draper
Filed to: ditkabag12/02/14 12:07am
Last month we ran your best Mike Ditka stories, and at the same time solicited for more. Our readers came through, so here is the second volume of Mike Ditka stories. As always, if you have a story about Mike Ditka—or anybody else—that you think we'd find interesting, you can share it in the comments or send it on to Deadspin's tips e-mail.
"He Reeked Of Jim Beam And Slim Jims": Your Best Mike Ditka Stories
Yesterday we posted Andy Richter's telling of Mike Ditka doing "one of the most… Read more
Don:
These go back close to 50 years.
I was a caddy at Riverside Golf Club where around 1965 the Bears held their annual Golf Outing. I was in a group with Ditka and Butkus and a couple of other players. We got to the 17th hole, a par three at the time... and - sorry I can't be more specific - but either Ditka or Butkus hit three balls into the Des Plaines River. As we approached the bridge over the river an entire set of clubs was thrown into the water.
Somewhat related, a few years later when I attended St Joseph's College in Rensselaer, Indiana (at that time the Bears training camp) several of us went to the nearby bowling alley... Rafferty's I believe... and noticed a pay phone had been dislodged from its station on the wall. When we asked what happened one of the employees said... and I will never forget it: "Oh that was Butkus after talking with Ditka (who was then with the Cowboys)."
Kyle:
I caddied for Mrs. Ditka at Hinsdale Golf Club in the late 90's. She doesn't wear shoes on the golf course. NO SHOES! Tootsies nestled nicely on the shorn fairway.
Here's the thing though. One time on caddy golf Monday, I took a page out of her book and removed my spikes. It was a treat! Felt so nice and I shot a 81 from the tips.
Mike:
I worked with Ditka on a video shoot at his restaurant for a product he was endorsing. It was during the day before the restaurant opened so it was just us and some of his restaurant staff and we were set up in the second floor dining area. Ditka was pretty ornery off camera but sure could turn on the cheese when we needed him to deliver his lines.
Anyway, he had to switch from his Tommy Bahama shirt into a generic look-a-like #89 Bears jersey but his staff couldn't find one his size in the shop downstairs. Meanwhile, Ditka had already started changing in the middle of the restaurant and was now standing shirtless and getting increasingly pissed off about the slight delay. I walk upstairs and see his leathery, saggy torso in its full glory as he unfurls a torrent of obscenities about the situation. We got the shots we needed and I haven't been able to look at Ditka the same since.
Matthew:
My Dikta story dates back to 2006 [Editor's Note: He means 2007.] when the Bears were playing the Colts for the Super Bowl. My friends and I went to Miami to take in all the festivities the Super Bowl has to offer. My buddies and I spent the night checking out the various bars and restaurants when we happened upon a certain steakhouse where many celebrities were hanging out. My best friend had seen the restaurant on WGN prior to us leaving for Miami.
We walked up to the restaurant and the sidewalk was packed with fans and professional autograph seekers chasing athletes with mini helmets to be signed. We had seen a ton of athletes ranging from Anna Kournikova to Tom Brady.
As the night went on celebrities came and went then we saw DA Coach!. An over-served, messy-haired Mike Ditka and Jim Gray from NBC Sports emerge from the restaurant. The two men walk through the throngs of people out to the street to catch a cab. Just before a taxi arrives two attractive older (late 50's) women run up to Iron Mike, hug him and ask for his autograph, but not on paper. The one women unbuttons her blouse and Da Coach signs her ample bosom.
The two women are hanging on Mr. Dikta and persuade him to join them for more evening fun. Iron Mike coldly leaves Jim Gray standing in the street as he joins the two lovely ladies for an untold night of fun. Enclosed is a photo of a not so sober Dikta leaving the steakhouse.
Andrew:
In the summer of 1997 I was a 12 year old kid visiting family near LaCrosse, WI. My aunt herded a bunch of us kids and any available bikes into her minivan and we went to watch the Saints training camp for the day. None of us were Saints fans but it was more just something to do. I spent the day riding an adult woman's bike around the UW-LaCrosse campus watching practice and trying to get as many autographs as I could on the shirt I happened to be wearing (a Notre Dame t-shirt — embarrassing, I know). Most players were cool about it but some, rightfully so, refused to sign a ND shirt. At one point I see Ditka riding by in a golf cart and I haul ass after him on my woman's bike that is way too big for me. I catch him right as he is about to go into a building and ask for his autograph. He asks if I have a pen, but I realize I must have dropped it while pedaling after him. He looks me dead in the eyes and says "Not too fukking smooth, kid." He asks some guy walking by to borrow a sharpie and then signs my shirt.
Jay K.
About seven years ago I was at a bachelor party at the downtown Ditka's Steakhouse in Chicago. We were in a private room upstairs there were strippers doing lap dances in the corners of the room and everyone was drinking and having a good time. Ditka walks in and everyone cheers. He quiets the room with his hands (cigar between his fingers). He says: "Ï was in Vegas last week, and like this room...whatever happens there, stays there!" The guys in the room burst into a boisterous cheer and while they were cheering, he puts his hand on my shoulder, as I was sitting closest to the door where he walked in, and says into my ear: "Could that chick have anymore fukking silicone in her t*ts or what?"
I gave a big smile and said "No, coach, I don't think she could."
He patted my shoulder, turned, and left.
Kevin:
This past summer it was Mike Ditka day at Arlington Race Track in Chicago. We were up in the suites, and I'm walking to the bathroom and I see my buddy and Ditka walking down the same direction. He asks my buddy where the 'Goddamn bathroom is', and he shows him. I walk in as he enters a stall. He painfully fumbles w/ the lock for about 15 seconds, and then says, "Aww fukk it!" and goes into the next stall. He then proceeds to immediately fukking explode on the toilet. Giant, heavy vibration on an empty bowl. My buddy and I were shocked and extremely amused and ran out of the bathroom like two middle school kids.
Josh:
I have eaten at Ditka's a few times. TWICE I have seen the bathroom attendant forced to take his lunch/dinner break meal in the bathroom. Yes, he was sitting there in the corner of the bathroom eating a burger while listening to and smelling an anus symphony. Gross.
PC:
In college (probably around 2002), I got a hold of Ditka's cell phone number from friend who's sister who worked for the Bears or something like that. The first time I got him on the phone, I made up something up about writing for the school paper and wanting to interview him. He didn't go for it and that was the end of the call but the beginning of a long string of drunken college phone calls to Iron Mike.
The funniest part of the whole thing was that every time I called him, literally 90% of the time, no matter what time of day, he'd pick up the phone: angry and wanting to straighten us out. It was great. One of the last conversations, which, I might I add, finely showcased Ditka's theatrical side, went something like this:
Ditka -Hello?
me - Coach Ditka?
Ditka - No, this is his psychiatrist (it was clearly him).
me - Oh, hey...can I talk to the Coach Ditka?
Ditka - No, you can't I'm taking all his calls now.
me - Really? Why's that?
Ditka- Because all you little pricks keep calling and you're driving the coach crazy! So he needs a psychiatrist! What do you think about that?!
Hang up.
His number eventually changed, but for a while Ditka's cell phone was probably the best party trick had had going the latter half of college, "you guys want to call Mike Ditka?
Pete:
In 2003 I obtained Ditka's phone number from a friend who ran a car dealership who leased him a Chevy. Every single time me and a couple buddies went to a Cubs game or went out drinking, we would call him and politely invite him. He would say, "Pete, i appreciate the invite, but please stop calling me all the time." This went on all baseball season and the last time I spoke to him was a 2am call when I was hammered and just wanted to shoot the breeze. I called from my house phone, so he didn't recognize it was Pete again. He screamed "WHO THE fukk IS THIS?" and I replied, "this is Mike Ditka". His reply was great. He said, "no you motherfukker , this is Mike Ditka, and I just fukked your sister, and now I'm getting ready to fukk your mother in the ass!!!" click.... Then the number was changed the next time I called. God Bless Mike
Ray:
I used to see Mike Ditka at the Plaza Hotel in the oak bar room in the mid nineties. I've seen him on multiple times they're smoking cigars and drinking with two beautiful women by side on each time. One time I went up to Ditka and asked him a question and he just picked his head up and gave me a dirty look and a growl. After that when I would see him I would scream at him from the old Saturday Night Live skit da Bears. He was such a pompous ass.
Not all of the Ditka stories we got were funny/gross/weird/creepy/strange. While some of the above stories chronicle Ditka at less than his best, we also heard of numerous examples of him being kind and generous with fans:
Jebediah:
I grew up in Niners territory as the only Bears fan for miles around. In fourth or fifth grade we got a class assignment to write a letter to someone we admired. I chose Ditka and sent him something along the lines of "Holy shyt Payton is awesome, your defense is awesome, and you'll win the next ten Super Bowls!" (I probably included McMahon in there too — his punk attitude was super cool to a kid stuck in Catholic school.) I didn't ask for anything, but Ditka sent me an autographed picture of himself. I obviously still have it despite hating his politics and most everything I've heard from him since.
Brian:
I have to say Ditka was great to us. We all went to Chicago for a buddy's bachelor party and ate at his steakhouse one night. He was walking around the bar meeting people and taking pictures. We got a photo as a group and one with just Ditka and the bachelor. A while later I realized I was half-cut out of the photo. I went and asked him if he would take another photo and he said sure and got up from his table and did it gladly. Great experience.
Matt:
Some friends and I were having dinner at Ditka's restaurant one night in the city and happened to sit one table away from Ditka. He was having dinner with what looked to be family of his but he didn't seem too interested in what they were saying but the tv above our table had his attention. After finishing our meal my best friend and I decided to ask the coach for a picture with us. These were days before digital cameras and smart phones so all we had was a disposable camera. We had another friend take the pic and days later when the film was picked up from the photo store, Coach who was polite to us and agreed to take the shot stood up with his arms around us with us looking at the camera and he was looking at about a 45 degree angle to where the tv was. Thanks for the great pic coach!
Neal:
My Aunt Betty went to his Oakbrook facility to celebrate her 75th with her Golden Girl Pals. As it goes, Ditka was there that Sunday night and came unannounced and took photos with the ladies. The old ladies ate it up and will continue to tell that story until they die... which should be anyday now
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Eric CaldwellKevin Draper
12/02/14 1:24am
My brother and his friend went to his steakhouse and ordered a glass of some crazy expensive whiskey (can't remember). When the bar didn't have it in stock the bartender told someone "Ditka has a bottle at his desk, should be in the bottom right drawer if he has any left." There was. Not a crazy story, but not that many people can say they have had a drink out of his personal stash. I don't know, maybe they can. Maybe go fukk yourself.
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Reply7 repliestoatsmagoatsKevin Draper
12/02/14 6:25am
I have shared this one once or twice:
Summer '88 I'm having dinner with my boss at Ditka's restaurant in Chicago. I'm an easterner just moved to Chicago and my dad is a huge Mike Ditka fan, so naturally I'm excited when in walks coach with his entourage and sits down just a few tables away. It isn't long before a small line forms behind the man; patrons seeking an autograph. I'm reluctant but my boss encourages me to get my dad a cool souvenir, so I grab a menu and join the line. Mike is sitting at his table, eyes always forward, reaching over his shoulder, taking items and scribbling on them with a Sharpie and handing them back. Then it's my turn. I'm standing directly behind the man who, while sitting, is practically as tall as me standing and easily twice as wide. I remember thinking, "Christ, he's as big a a Volkswagen." After he reaches back and takes my menu, I asked him: "could you make that out to Jim McMahon, coach?"
The man turned in an instant, those shoulders creating their own gravity, I swear, because I literally took a step back in fear but got pulled back toward him. The furrowed brow, the piercing eyes... Iron Mike doesn't suffer any fools. I had reason to be frightened and maybe it hadn't occurred to me too clearly at that moment that Ditka and his QB weren't exactly the best of pals. Hands raised, I managed to utter, "it's my dad. That's my dad's name."
He whisked back around, put pen to paper and wrote: "To Jim McMahon, Best Wishes. - Mike Ditka."
Anything for pops, right? Love Ditka.
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ReplyHurbiehurbKevin Draper
12/03/14 6:44pm
My dad was a football manager at Pitt between 1959-63. My dad took an elective geography class and Ditka happened to be in the class. My dad always tells the story about how Ditka went to class on the first day, and then the last day of the class to pick up his grade. My dad is sure he "passed."
In 2011 we surprised my dad with a dinner for his 70th birthday. Because he always tells the Pitt football glory stories and his claim to fame is having Iron Mike in his geography class (as mentioned above), we decided to have a family dinner at Ditka's restaurant in Pittsburgh. By a stroke of luck and pure coincidence, Ditka was at the restaurant that night celebrating his mother's birthday. Our host went over to the Ditka room and told him that my dad used to know him and was in the room next door for a birthday dinner. Ditka came over to our room and surprised my dad, and they reconnected over the geography class story. Ditka's response to the story was "I didn't need geography class because I knew where I was going." Ditka took pics with our family and spent time chatting with us. Overall, it was the best present my dad could've asked for.
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There's only one iron Mike. And he talks with a lisp
Ditka even leaned with it that nasty old b*stard. CC's face turning from laughing to anguish and disgust as that pungent odor fills the air has me in tears. Ditka should get even more hilarious as he gets more decrepit.
Lakerman0834
Veteran
Stugotz called him and denied it. Said if he did it he would own it