Bigblackted4
Superstar
Deleting IG going to do this hopefully it’ll motivate me to hit some of these new chicks in my phone
NO NUT NOVEMBER 2025!!!!!!
- Thread starter International Playa
- Start date
Its been well into a full week and this self control, no jerking off shyt is taking me back. It feels easier to restrain myself now compared to 20 years old with my hormones raging at 19. Back then I was able to go weeks sometimes months not doing that shyt. It was hard as hell though.
i had an unpleasant dream last night.Since this is somewhat of a support journal. Its been at least 19 days since I did this no nut November shyt and honestly, I feel two ways about it.
For some reason, dont know why, i have this memory where when I was back in kindergarten when I was doing some rehab shyt for said issue, I was put into this empty classroom to basically "catch up" with everybody else because I "missed the lesson". I dont recall ever learning what they had put in my face at that moment but at the time, instead of learning along with my peers, they put me in an empty class room by myself to figure shyt out. No teachers or anybody to monitor me, just me being alone and forgotten. It didnt bother me at the time.
However, since then, ive noticed a reoccurring pattern. Ive been in many situations where I have been forced to be alone or the "other person" or different amongst the group. My views, my style and etc eventually gets misunderstood or rubs people the wrong way where they are like
or 
which is cool. However the way half of the time folks go about rejecting, they get disrespectful with it so its like they have to say fukk you or try to berate me on some destroy my spirit or mind shyt so then I end up going into war mode mentally where its like this person is a problem. I know to hate, can REALLY get angry and hold a grudge on some serious shyt. However, on the other side, I have a bit of a big heart but then theres a conflict because theres people that want to hurt me so its like good vs evil. I dont want to be too "loving" to not be taken advantage of or be hurt and I dont want to be too much of a hater either because I don't want to hurt people. I know i can be on both extremes where I can be way too nice and giving or be too mean or down right cold blooded. Its hard. I dont know why that is because honestly, I never wanted it to be that way as Ive tried to be outgoingly social but shyt never panned out for me because of the type of guy I am. Ive gotten comfortable with being alone and a loner. However, Im tired of that shyt to be honest. I feel nowadays my challenge is to actually be around people period enough for something to emerge. Ive learned the art of being social enough to put up this perception that my life is okay but in actually, I am basically trying to do as much as I can to survive mentally. So in a way, this shyt is really just reinforcing what I know I have already had to deal with. Instead of falling apart and letting my anger, sadness and etc control me where I become a crash out, terrorizing other people or giving up altogether, I am basically exercising my inner strength. Its like even though I have a car, I often remind myself of my life was like before I had one and a license. I felt like shyt, plus having to take public transportation and the ups and downs of it all, shyt takes a toll mentally and being around hyper critical people and an environment, obviously shyt DID had an impact on me. Nowadays, I wont hesitant to get hostile on somebody on some "ill fukk you up because I dont care at all and I have nothing to lose". Thats how I genuinely feel. But I keep it under control out of intelligence and self respect so it becomes a balance of light and dark energy. I want to snap but I can't snap because I know the consequences but Im learning on how to manage this energy instead of jerking off excessively you know.
But honestly, I start to realize that certain things I am doing is to basically cope. How I managed to do this and not be weeded out is beyond me? I wasnt numbing myself back in 2005 and yo...luckily, I held it altogether despite the bullshyt at the time. Nowadays, I vape weed as a form of escapism to keep me from really snapping on somebody. I remember being sober and being angry as hell with the world like for real. Im not mad at the world anymore. I just dont care about it. I'm good worrying about the world. I feel i cant be myself without being unfairly judged. Its like im bound to have haters regardless.
For some reason, dont know why, i have this memory where when I was back in kindergarten when I was doing some rehab shyt for said issue, I was put into this empty classroom to basically "catch up" with everybody else because I "missed the lesson". I dont recall ever learning what they had put in my face at that moment but at the time, instead of learning along with my peers, they put me in an empty class room by myself to figure shyt out. No teachers or anybody to monitor me, just me being alone and forgotten. It didnt bother me at the time.
However, since then, ive noticed a reoccurring pattern. Ive been in many situations where I have been forced to be alone or the "other person" or different amongst the group. My views, my style and etc eventually gets misunderstood or rubs people the wrong way where they are like
or which is cool. However the way half of the time folks go about rejecting, they get disrespectful with it so its like they have to say fukk you or try to berate me on some destroy my spirit or mind shyt so then I end up going into war mode mentally where its like this person is a problem. I know to hate, can REALLY get angry and hold a grudge on some serious shyt. However, on the other side, I have a bit of a big heart but then theres a conflict because theres people that want to hurt me so its like good vs evil. I dont want to be too "loving" to not be taken advantage of or be hurt and I dont want to be too much of a hater either because I don't want to hurt people. I know i can be on both extremes where I can be way too nice and giving or be too mean or down right cold blooded. Its hard. I dont know why that is because honestly, I never wanted it to be that way as Ive tried to be outgoingly social but shyt never panned out for me because of the type of guy I am. Ive gotten comfortable with being alone and a loner. However, Im tired of that shyt to be honest. I feel nowadays my challenge is to actually be around people period enough for something to emerge. Ive learned the art of being social enough to put up this perception that my life is okay but in actually, I am basically trying to do as much as I can to survive mentally. So in a way, this shyt is really just reinforcing what I know I have already had to deal with. Instead of falling apart and letting my anger, sadness and etc control me where I become a crash out, terrorizing other people or giving up altogether, I am basically exercising my inner strength. Its like even though I have a car, I often remind myself of my life was like before I had one and a license. I felt like shyt, plus having to take public transportation and the ups and downs of it all, shyt takes a toll mentally and being around hyper critical people and an environment, obviously shyt DID had an impact on me. Nowadays, I wont hesitant to get hostile on somebody on some "ill fukk you up because I dont care at all and I have nothing to lose". Thats how I genuinely feel. But I keep it under control out of intelligence and self respect so it becomes a balance of light and dark energy. I want to snap but I can't snap because I know the consequences but Im learning on how to manage this energy instead of jerking off excessively you know. But honestly, I start to realize that certain things I am doing is to basically cope. How I managed to do this and not be weeded out is beyond me? I wasnt numbing myself back in 2005 and yo...luckily, I held it altogether despite the bullshyt at the time. Nowadays, I vape weed as a form of escapism to keep me from really snapping on somebody. I remember being sober and being angry as hell with the world like for real. Im not mad at the world anymore. I just dont care about it. I'm good worrying about the world. I feel i cant be myself without being unfairly judged. Its like im bound to have haters regardless.
Last edited:
