Yes. To put it simply.
I have fukked a lot, and I mean a lot, of females.
A lot.
I used to keep a list after I realized one day sitting around daydreaming that- there were many, many trysts that I just couldn't fully recall.. I didn't like being unable to recall them at all.
So I began writing them all down.
Filled up two notebook pages (front only, two columns per page though) with names of females that I've had any sexual encounter with (just oral, intercourse, or both).
I stopped listing them in '10 when I lost the list, but of course, I didn't stop fukking
So there's still almost 4 years of p*ssy that's been slayed since my last entry, unaccounted for.
But anyway, I am saying all of this to say what I'm about to say next, and I hope some take heed:
Having had soo much sex with soo many different females has become something of a double-edged sword now, as a fully grown, well into adulthood, Man.
Our aspirations change when we get to this point where I've been the past few years. We want stability, family, and a Queen.
Yet, due to my past, I have a very, very limited ability to stay attracted to just one woman for very long.
There is
nothing "cool" about that, nor fun, or any of those things. NOTHING.
Not when you aspire to be married to ONE woman, and to love her and her only, unconditionally.
I want and need that, now more than I ever have being that I am more ready than I've ever been (mentally, financially, maturity, etc)
Yet, this cannot be achieved if every woman that I settle down with eventually loses my interest after about 6 months or so.
It actually hurts, watching a good woman walk out of your life, but knowing you're doing her a favor because for the past 6 months you've been overcome with the desire for "some new".
And I know that it is a direct result of my being so trained and so used to having different women.
It is a curse, or boomerang, or something.
And I cannot reiterate enough how unfortunate, uncomfortable, hurtful it sometimes is for me.
I love my woman. Yet, I cannot for the life of me stop wanting others.. a natural thing to some extent, yes!.. but to the degree that I take it? Where it has ruined the sex life of my past relationships due to my becoming less attracted to those women? Where I'm finding it happening now, again, with a woman I would trade my very
life for? Yet, I can do nothing to combat it?.. that's no bueno
It's
hard looking someone in the eye everyday as beautiful a woman as my woman is.. who wants absolutely
nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with me and have my babies.. and yet.. I know in my heart that I might be one drunk night or one wrong "argument" with her away from cheating..
And I know that it comes from my past.
So yeah, I've been with countless women- of countless ages, shapes, sizes, and hues..
.. and, as The RZA so eloquently put it in Duck Seazon at 3:15 mark
".. my dikk's been sucked by the finest lips..". And that's my word..
But none of it is worth it when:
A. most of it has become a blur anyway, the actual intercourses.. I mean I recall bits of all of my encounters, the passion too- but I possess not a single whole memory of even ONE.
Which, in the end, leaves you with almost nothing but a bunch of experiences and stories to tell.. nothing concrete, nothing to show for it.
B. you reach a point where you have so much inside to offer a woman, and then you find that you can't.. at least not without wanting to offer yourself to almost every other woman that crosses your path.
I over did it.
If I could do it all again I probably would because of who I am.. but I would advise you all who still have a chance to please just try to find the medium ground.. get the experience, but don't smut yourself out like I did.. conquer at least 2 chicks of every shape size skin tone, whatever.. and then stop, and start focusing more on building concrete interactions with females instead.
My fear now is that I'll end up like my father. Alone.
He suffered the same issues, that insatiable hunger for different women.. mother talked about it all of our lives, naturally, seeing how his infidelities were the very reason they divorced.
The man had a million women throughout his life, probably literally- knowing him, but now cannot even get one, including my mother, to come by and run little errands for him while he recovers from heart surgery.
And guess what, he's also too old now to "attract" anything new.
He is elderly. And alone.
Screwed so many women that he screwed himself right into a lonesome world of old age and loneliness.
The shyt isn't all it's cracked up to be, in the long run.
