Seriously I need some advice ladies, I can't get my wife & mom to get along.

[Queen]

Aight my dowg, this what needs to happen.

You need to go Michael Jai White on "Why Did I Get Married" status, cuzzo.

You need to talk to both of them TOGETHER and tell them to blow that chit out.
Because ultimately, they BOTH need to understand that their bickering is taking
a toll on the only thing they have in common - you.
If they both got love for you, they need to chill out. All of y'all are family now,
and y'all need to act like it.

You need to be a hogg enough to say that to 'em - and back it up afterwards.

No, he needs to handle his mother if he wants to preserve his marriage. No one wants to be married to a punk who can't stand up to mommy. No wife wants to be lectured by a man who can't even handle his own mother. The only thing he needs to tell his wife is "I love you and I have your back. I will handle it."

 

[Soon]

Aight my dowg, this what needs to happen.

You need to go Michael Jai White on "Why Did I Get Married" status, cuzzo.

You need to talk to both of them TOGETHER and tell them to blow that chit out.
Because ultimately, they BOTH need to understand that their bickering is taking
a toll on the only thing they have in common - you.
If they both got love for you, they need to chill out. All of y'all are family now,
and y'all need to act like it.

You need to be a hogg enough to say that to 'em - and back it up afterwards.

You forget the mom is acting a fool in front of his kids, mom doesn't even care if she emotionally scars this dudes kids. Why should kids have to grow up in an unstable household or volatile environment? We already how those kids usually turn out.

 

[Taadow]

No, he needs to handle his mother if he wants to preserve his marriage. No one wants to be married to a punk who can't stand up to mommy. No wife wants to be lectured by a man who can't even handle his own mother. The only thing he needs to tell his wife is "I love you and I have your back. I will handle it."

I disagree.

 

[Taadow]

You forget the mom is acting a fool in front of his kids,

Where did he say that?

 

[Miss Lucifer's Love]

Your wife comes first. Your mother should come after your wife, your kids, and yourself. She does not have an equal place in your life as your wife and she needs to understand that. Make her understand that. And if she doesn't then cut her off. Do not let her disrespect your other half. When she does she's lowkey (jive like highkey tho) disrespecting you.
.

 

[heart]

Then you need to be the peace maker. If you put it on your wife like, "you are grown so deal with it" not only is she going to have issues with your mother, but she is going to have issues with you. Do you want those problems in your life?

If she is already calling you a mamas boy then that means you haven't proven that you have her back when it comes to your mom. Maybe being friends is not what is going to happen right now. The first step is for your wife to feel like there is a basic level of respect. You need to set some boundaries because it should never get to the point where they are about to fight. You need to handle it if you don't want your marriage damaged.

Marriage is already damaged because of this but not ruined. My grandmother is the same way, she's old, loves her greatgrand kids & she gives a lot of advice but it comes out like she's telling everyone what to do.

My mom's mentality now is to stay away & I'll bring the kids over to see her. I HATE it has to be that way. Even I have to be careful on how I say things to my wife, she's sensitive, defensive & confrontational. I hate arguing but when I ignore then I'm still the bad guy..smh.

My family is huge & tight knit so the whole family knows about their argument. Wife doesnt wanna go to upcoming reunion now or anymore sunday dinners. She hasn't said it but I feel she's asking me to draw a line in the sand, my family or her.

I have 3 other brothers & they really like her and so does the rest of my family. I just cant get her and moms on the same page.

 

[Colicat]

Believe me I've tried. And my mom will go off and claim she won't talk to my wife anymore. After that things will get awkward until something else happens. Is it wrong that I want them to be friends? I just want peace...

No offense, but your mom sounds like a ghetto old bird...
If your mother is known to be verbally abusive, then why are your wife's complaints not valid?
If you had a conversation with your mom about her tone and demeanor with your wife and she resorted to childish silent treatments, why did she not face consequences? Why does your mother still have access to your family to create drama?

You are supposed to be the leader of your home... Why did you tell your wife to handle a situation with your mother? No offense, but you are the one who needs to grow a backbone and draw a line in the sand.

You need to tell your mother that she needs to stop causing drama or miss out on you and your family...

Edit: sorry if I sound rude, but I mean no offense

 

[Queen]

Marriage is already damaged because of this but not ruined. My grandmother is the same way, she's old, loves her greatgrand kids & she gives a lot of advice but it comes out like she's telling everyone what to do.

My mom's mentality now is to stay away & I'll bring the kids over to see her. I HATE it has to be that way. Even I have to be careful on how I say things to my wife, she's sensitive, defensive & confrontational. I hate arguing but when I ignore then I'm still the bad guy..smh.

My family is huge & tight knit so the whole family knows about their argument. Wife doesnt wanna go to upcoming reunion now or anymore sunday dinners. She hasn't said it but I feel she's asking me to draw a line in the sand, my family or her.

I have 3 other brothers & they really like her and so does the rest of my family. I just cant get her and moms on the same page.

I can imagine that it is damaged. That doesn't mean it can't be fixed. But it won't be fixed if you don't put on your big boy pants. At this point she probably is asking you to choose. Not because she really wants you to stay away from your family, but because she wants to know that you would choose her.

And really it shouldn't have gotten that far. She should have already known that you had her back 100%. You have not proven that you would choose her. You have not proven that you are 100% on her team. This will take time to fix and time to heal. And until it happens, don't expect her to want to be around your family. Don't try to guilt her into going to dinners, worry about guilting yourself into fixing your marriage.

You don't need to get her and your mom on the same page. You need to fix your marriage and get your mother in check. You need to reaffirm your wife that she is your Queen, that you love her, and that she will always come first. You need to reel your mother in and get her in check. Nobody cares that she is blunt, or that's how she is. It doesn't matter. She cannot expect to have access to her grandchildren if she cannot respect their mother. She cannot expect to maintain a healthy relationship with her son unless she can respect his wife.

And you cannot expect to have a good relationship with your wife if you cannot prove that she comes first. You cannot expect to have a good relationship with your wife if you aren't conducting yourself in a manner worthy of respect. Because as soon as that "mamas boy" and bad attitude comments start coming out of her mouth, know that the respect for you is dwindling.

She shouldn't have to be defensive. YOU should be defending her. She should have no reason to be confrontational towards you in regards to this situation.

This is up to you to fix. It doesn't matter who is gossiping about what or what family member knows this or that. Fix the situation. Stand up for your wife or watch your marriage go from damage level 1 to something far worse.

 

[jeh]

Yeah once your married, the wife comes first breh. Somehow someway you gotta have a sit down and get this taken care of. Happy wife happy life.

 

[YoungSimpson]

Classic Reverse Oedipus Complex. Your mom is outright disrespecting your wife, almost to the point of fisticuffs. The way you describe your wife doesn't seem like some hood chick, so think how frustrated your wife must be to Damn near fight your mom.
The problem is you. You need to be a man and nip that shyt in the bud. But it sounds like you love the attention, all in the middle giggling and blushing and shyt. "All this fuss over lil ole me?" Not surprising because you said you were raised by women. Dog you asked why should you have to settle it, because you're the man. Lead nikka!
You basically pushing your wife on a co-workers dikk. She's gonna see some nikka take control in a meeting or be unafraid to take charge and be all. Next thing you know he's in them guts. So sack up and save your marriage or go ahead and give your mom the dikk she been wanting for years.

 

[Elle Driver]

You can't allow your mother to do that. You gotta nip that in the bud ASAP. You gotta be clear cut with it. Her opinions aren't always necessary especially if they hurt your wife.

 

[Soon]

Classic Reverse Oedipus Complex. Your mom is outright disrespecting your wife, almost to the point of fisticuffs. The way you describe your wife doesn't seem like some hood chick, so think how frustrated your wife must be to Damn near fight your mom.
The problem is you. You need to be a man and nip that shyt in the bud. But it sounds like you love the attention, all in the middle giggling and blushing and shyt. "All this fuss over lil ole me?" Not surprising because you said you were raised by women. Dog you asked why should you have to settle it, because you're the man. Lead nikka!
You basically pushing your wife on a co-workers dikk. She's gonna see some nikka take control in a meeting or be unafraid to take charge and be all. Next thing you know he's in them guts. So sack up and save your marriage or go ahead and give your mom the dikk she been wanting for years.

My guess is that this dude's father is not around to put his mother in check. Sounds like his wife needs time, cause this has been a pretty bad experience.

At this moment only the wife and kids matter, everyone else can .

 

[Ello_Vee]

You can't allow your mother to do that. You gotta nip that in the bud ASAP. You gotta be clear cut with it. Her opinions aren't always necessary especially if they hurt your wife.

Lookin like it's in full bloom, no longer a bud.
Wife's mom probably telling her to let OP handle it, too, but he keeps putting it back on his wife.

@heart , would you let anyone else criticize your wife the way your mom/grandmother do? Do you actually think they are right and your wife is wrong? I'm trying to understand your motivation for letting it go on so long.

 

[Raava]

Are you the favorite or something? The youngest? Just because she has been a certain way for so long and other people allow her to talk to them that way doesn't make it right. It sounds like your mother needs to be put in her place. Once you are married your wife is the number 1 woman in your life. Your mom probably continues to do whatever because she feels like you never really say anything so it's ok. It has to come from YOU and you have to be firm. You can't say " *insert wifes name* was upset by what you said" or "My wife doesn't like the way you..." You have to use words like I, we, us, etc because y'all are a union, a team and it should offend/upset you that your mother treats your wife that way or hurts her.

If you don't insert youself into it, or put it all on your wife even while talking to your mom it won't matter. She will just brush it off as your wife doesn't like her and you really don't care. Children leave the home to go be with their spouse. Your wife should have to stand up to YOUR mother. You can stand up for your wife and be respectful.

Aight my dowg, this what needs to happen.

You need to go Michael Jai White on "Why Did I Get Married" status, cuzzo.

You need to talk to both of them TOGETHER and tell them to blow that chit out.
Because ultimately, they BOTH need to understand that their bickering is taking
a toll on the only thing they have in common - you.
If they both got love for you, they need to chill out. All of y'all are family now,
and y'all need to act like it.

You need to be a hogg enough to say that to 'em - and back it up afterwards.

It is not even the wife pickering. In OP he says she is passive in public. The only bikering/fight they had was when it came to a boiling point. It sounds like the mother is constantly saying something to the wife then she is asking him to handle his mom. If he sits them down like they are both causing problems that will blow up in his face. If I was the wife I would be mad if I'm sat down to have a talk like I am causing issues when I only said something at my breaking point because my husband won't say anything. She would feel even more alone in the situation and her mother would get validation like she isn't the problem it's the wife or they are both the problem. He needs to talk to his mother.

 

[heart]

Lookin like it's in full bloom, no longer a bud.
Wife's mom probably telling her to let OP handle it, too, but he keeps putting it back on his wife.

@heart , would you let anyone else criticize your wife the way your mom/grandmother do? Do you actually think they are right and your wife is wrong? I'm trying to understand your motivation for letting it go on so long.

Her mom is dead. Her and her stepmom aren't close plus they live in NY. It's not that I've let it go on, I've tried talking to my mom in the past and she'll be cool but then it goes back. And NO I wouldn't let anyone else criticize my wife. My mom is very strong minded and opinionated, not just with me but with my brothers too but I live close to her and they don't.

And @Soon you're right. My father wasn't around, he's dead and when he was alive he wasn't around.

@Panthera, no offense taken. I feel where you're coming from. Moms not a ghetto bird but yes she does need to mind her business. Gotta have a long talk with her. I appreciate your feedback.