This summed it up for me, fukk Lesnar, time for him to clear off for good
10 Things I Hate About Brock Lesnar
10. No One Actually Likes Brock Lesnar
It’s true that the real life Lesnar isn’t a people person. He doesn’t like much of anyone, preferring his own company. An intensely private guy, his home is a farm in the middle of nowhere with the only phone a long walk from the house. He never has to see his neighbours, and he never has to be bothered by unwanted callers of any kind.
However, when I say ‘no one likes Brock Lesnar’, this isn’t me calling the man Norman No-Mates in real life. Clearly he has a few friends, and I’m sure his wife and family consider that Lesnar has some form of niche appeal as a human being.
No, it’s that giant spoiler of a character he plays on television. Not even Brock Lesnar fans actually like Brock Lesnar. He’s not a likeable guy, in any sense of the word. He may be the only babyface in wrestling history to get massive heel heat and huge babyface pops from the same people on the same night. Because it’s not the character they’re cheering, it’s the sheer awesome power he displays between the ropes.
People ‘like’ the natural disaster that he represents in WWE storylines and/or what he does to people in the ring. In 2016, he’s not really a babyface or a heel: he’s a cataclysm, a boogeyman. When they call him ‘The Beast’, it’s not just another way of saying ‘The Animal’. Ferrets are animals, as are wombats, meerkats and duck-billed platypi.
No, they’re literally calling him The Devil.
He’s not even necessarily a real character anymore, more the wrestling equivalent of Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers, the demonic star of an in-ring horror movie, and not a cartoon one like Kane. Brock Lesnar is something horrible that happens to people a few times a year, like projectile diarrhoea or the sort of hangovers that transform you into sweaty jelly.
9. That Chest Piece
You’re never going to love all of another person’s ink like you love your own (assuming you do – there are plenty of us with terrible life decisions chronicled on our skin). A time-honoured tradition amongst the heavily-tattooed is the casual snarking on the bleedin’ state that other people get themselves into under the iron.
Lord knows mine aren’t great – I’ve got a Black Flag tattoo that my sister inked on the back of my neck that looks more like dirty laundry, and a freehand backpiece that looks like it was drawn by a ten-year-old. As gloriously sh*tbox as my scratchy punk rock blackwork is, however (and I wouldn’t change a thing), I don’t have a grenade-c*ck rearing up across my chest.
I mocked Brock’s unfortunate commemoration of a bad time in his life quite a lot in a previous article, but it bears repeating: the sword at his throat looks like a large spam bannister with a highly-explosive scrotum, the two aimed directly at his perma-snarling mouth like the ever-present threat of uncomfortable loving in prison.
I’m not sure what he was thinking, given that every job he’s ever had has required working shirtless. Perhaps it was a clever bit of Derren Brown style Jed mind-f**kery, so that everyone watching him work would subconsciously associate him with an aggressively rampant erection. If so, it’s possible that he’s overcompensating for something.
Just a thought.
8. He Damaged The WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Back on more serious ground here, but when Lesnar beat John Cena to death with his own skull to take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, many of us cheered. We weren’t cheering so loudly a few months later, when the title and the man carrying it had barely been seen on television for months on end.
Lesnar’s less a part-timer than an infrequent flyer. He doesn’t just turn up for a WrestleMania paycheque, but his limited schedule of annual appearances have to be rationed out over well-planned angles and mini-feuds. Lesnar appeared on very few of the thirty-odd episodes of RAW while he held the title, and only two of WWE’s six pay-per-view events until he lost the title in the impromptu triple threat at WrestleMania 31.
The World Title and the WWE Title had only been unified in December 2013, but they waited to merge the two belts and create the current single strap until August 2014, when the new design was presented to Lesnar. The last time the big belt was transformed like that was by The Rock in February 2013. Clearly only part-time transitional title holders are allowed to make major design changes to the title belt these days…
And that’s what Lesnar was: a transitional champion. But he was one that ‘reigned’ for seven months or so and barely showed up with the title, let alone defended it.
Having a man with Lesnar’s impressive credentials as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion should have added credibility to the title. In fact, the reverse was true. His character’s complete disinterest in bringing the title to WWE television left the various contenders to argue over who would face him for literally months on end.
That effectively destroyed the credibility of the championship, reducing it to the level of the Intercontinental and United States titles. At Survivor Series 2014, none of the three titles were contested. Looking at the card for that event now, a casual fan would be hard pressed to remember who held any of those championships.
That’s just diabolically bad.
7. He’s Only Motivated By Money
Brock’s getting on a bit now – he’ll be turning thirty-nine in July. That’s not over the hill, by any stretch of the imagination, and his limited schedule means that, barring accidents, he should be on top beastly form for a good long while yet.
But he doesn’t have the well-rounded upside of a John Cena, CM Punk or Daniel Bryan. When Brock Lesnar retires from fighting – shoot or work – he’s unlikely to be offered an agent or trainer’s job anywhere. He’s not got the kind of personality to transition to a multimedia career after he retires, and for the same reason Hollywood isn’t an option, either.
Lesnar makes a significant amount of money – millions a year, from all reports – for a limited appearance schedule which involves only a few high profile wrestling matches a year. When he was on a full time schedule from 2002 to 2004, he quit because he couldn’t cope with the rigours of the road. His interviews upon re-signing with WWE last year reflect that mindset:
“I love what I’m doing. I work a limited schedule. I work part-time with full-time pay, like everybody wants, which you can’t have – just me. So, I’m happy.” – ESPN, March 2015
Remember his rant to camera in the UFC after beating Frank Mir in the Octagon? Lesnar spat on the UFC’s sponsorship from Bud Light and endorsed Coors Light instead, because he wasn’t getting a cut of the Bud Light sponsorship deal.
Compare and contrast all that to John Cena, who started around the same time he did and is a few month older than Lesnar. When he returns from injury, Cena will be back on a full-time schedule, one he’s kept to for nearly fourteen years – in fact, Cena works longer weeks than most WWE wrestlers.
Scuttlebutt (like gossip with a fat wallet) says that John Cena is the highest-paid wrestler in the world. Since he’s probably the hardest working man in wrestling, few would argue that he doesn’t deserve every penny he makes.
Lesnar is another matter. For years, he’s claimed to be all about competition, all about proving himself… but that’s clearly horse puckey. The man just wants to get paid – he’d turn up and do Hector Guerrero’s Gobbledy Gooker routine if it counted as one of his contracted appearances.
6. He Clocks In and Out Like He’s Working In A Call Centre
From all reports, Lesnar’s still on a flat fee salary structure, meaning that unlike his peers in WWE his earnings aren’t tied to how well the company does. That’s because he’s not interested in how well they do. He just wants the payout to be consistent and to go home.
Pro wrestling is a business that attracts tough, motivated, passionate individuals – unless, of course, you’re Brock Lesnar and you get handed a top spot on a silver platter from the moment you graduate college.
Because that’s what happened. Lesnar grew up working his ass off from dawn till dusk on a dairy farm. He’s seen what it’s like to really work for something, and doesn’t want anything to do with it. He was gifted a full scholarship to college when he proved to be a fearsomely natural talent as a wrestler, and won a whole bunch of stuff. When he graduated, he was offered a developmental contract with WWE without actually pursuing it, because of that amateur reputation.
Lesnar was given $250,000 per year, plus other concessions like the hiring of college roommate Shelton Benjamin, just to train!
When he debuted on the WWE main roster, he was given a top spot and went over the biggest stars in the industry in a matter of weeks. When he couldn’t handle the travel and the hard graft, he quit. It turned out that playing football on a pro level took hard work, not just size and speed: he didn’t make the cut and lost interest, heading off to wrestle in Japan.
When he joined UFC, he did so with virtually no MMA experience, and got a UFC Heavyweight Title shot almost immediately, despite losing his first fight for them.
Lesnar has no friends backstage at RAW, and no interest in making any. He doesn’t work the crowd, and he doesn’t try to become better at what he does. He’s been told that he’s a monster, so he sells when he feels like it, for the most part. He’s a pretty good promo – his performances on his own in 2002 and 2003 bear that out – but he’s got Paul Heyman, so he doesn’t even need to learn any lines.
He has no passion for wrestling and no interest in the business: he punches a clock and leaves. It’s pretty hard to admire a man like that.
5. He Has No Respect For The Business
Like Goldberg, he never watched any wrestling growing up. He didn’t pursue wrestling, like many of the men who’ve stared at the lights for him over the years: he was pursued by WWE after his impressive, stand-out record in amateur wrestling made headlines.
In the last couple of years, Lesnar has been selflessly put over by some of the biggest names in wrestling, and was finally awarded the top title in the company, and therefore the industry. Of course, none of that means anything to the man – he has no interest in or passion for pro wrestling as a business.
He was trained in it, he’s pretty good at it, and his freakish size and speed make him look the part of the monster he’s playing. That’s all there is.
To the Big Show, Mark Henry, the Undertaker, John Cena, the Wyatts or any of the other men who’ve made him look like a million bucks of late, doing the job so thoroughly for the part-time, disinterested, lazy Lesnar in order to shore up his rep as an unstoppable force of nature… that’s a favour.
It’s a gift to one of the boys, and to the office that books them and signs their cheques. The protection of their characters – their gimmicks, their finishers, their status – would normally be a high priority. They chose to prioritise Brock Lesnar instead, and built up his character and aura at the expense of their own.
Except Brock Lesnar’s not one of the boys. He’s barely paid any dues, if you want to call it that, having worked just two years of a full-timer’s schedule before quitting the business in 2004. The only reason – the only reason – that he returned to wrestling and headed to Japan in the first place was that he wasn’t good enough to make the cut in the NFL.
The only reason – the only reason – that he returned to WWE in 2012 was because the money was great and the work minimal.
The idea of a bored, rich part-timer no-selling and going over the entire WWE roster whenever he bothers to make an appearance, with no gratitude or interest in giving back his co-workers or to the business at any point – that’s exactly the kind of thing we’d rag on Hulk Hogan for doing.
Why does Lesnar get a pass on that? Because he can suplex someone seventeen times in a row?