The way you carry yourself and react is always a CHOICE

[Shamrock32]

@Shamrock32 great post. I have one problem with it though, it looks to me like steps 1 & 2 contradict each other. How can you be savage on yourself and then constantly think positively? Being hard on yourself like that becomes a habit and affects your self esteem negatively. It's where I'm at right now - I am totally honest with myself and I am fully aware of all the things about my life that I'm letting myself down in. But I can't break out of it and think positively because my inner voice is so used to being critical.

I did it that way because you have to identify your deep-rooted problems before you can ever begin to construct a solution.

You need to be real with yourself about every detail of what is holding you back as an individual. Without that step happening first, you can't define anything.

You say in this post that this is your problem that you can't get past. I have one question for you:

If you know the girl you're on a date with has AIDS... and you make a choice to have sex with her anyway even though she told you her deal... then what do you expect to happen to you?

Do you want AIDS or no? There's no in between.

That is an extreme analogy LOL but the point is if you continue what you are doing, already KNOWING the result... you will get the same result every day.

Identifying is one thing, but ACTIONS is what changes your lifestyle. Do it or don't. It's your call.

You can and will figure it out.

 

[Shamrock32]

All the self help books and motivation books say the same shyt. This is the best book on it though.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life


Shamrock post is the same shyt too.

Finding your purpose is #1

The only thing I would say about this is...

You can't find your purpose until you are comfortable in your own skin. Otherwise you will force it and fail, and something will likely send you back into the spiral that you never overcame mentally before you tried to make a difference.

That' like getting divorced after a 10 year marriage and then expecting a chick from the bar, the night after your divorce filing, to heal your emotions.

 

[Mook]

The only thing I would say about this is...

You can't find your purpose until you are comfortable in your own skin. Otherwise you will force it and fail, and something will likely send you back into the spiral that you never overcame mentally before you tried to make a difference.

That' like getting divorced after a 10 year marriage and then expecting a chick from the bar, the night after your divorce filing, to heal your emotions.

Disagree bruh. Finding your purpose puts things in perspective. It's your motivation to be better. If you ain't got a final destination then you just driving in circles.

( don't use religion as higher purpose. Please be adults )

 

[Shamrock32]

Disagree bruh. Finding your purpose puts things in perspective. It's your motivation to be better. If you ain't got a final destination then you just driving in circles.

( don't use religion as higher purpose. Please be adults )

We can agree to disagree. Different people respond to different things.

Let's say you want your purpose to be a leader. Whether it's in the workplace or a leader to your children.

But you never got over anything mentally before you tried to just "go for it."

You'll be preaching positivity to your son, while he's looking at you knowing you're fukking broken because of your mannerisms, expressions, tone, etc.

If you aren't ready to accept yourself with genuine internal pride, you can't lead anyone. Especially yourself.

 

[010101]

That is 100% true, but EVERYONE is capable of making changes to their lives. Everyone. I don't care if you're a former criminal, drug addict, bad sibling, bad boyfriend, angry, depressed, suicidal......

Everyone is capable of bettering themselves at all times. Michael Jordan shot 50% from the field over his career... but the only reason that happened is because he never stopped trying to improve that to 51%.

Edit: (I completely stole this Jordan line from the Joe Rogan Experience, it's brilliant lol).

it's all a chain of cause & effect

choice is only apparent

*

 

[J Money]

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure

Stay strong cool brehs

We all we got

 

[Dreamzeedream]

I was as brutally, harshly honest and almost mean to myself about my issues. I did some soul searching to some very real and aggressive levels.

This is essentially what I put myself through:

Step 1 - Tough Love & Bullying Myself
I would look the old bytch ass version of myself in the eye in the mirror and talk to myself like Kevin Garnett talks to his opponents. Something like this:

"You know why you are socially awkward? Because you act like a fukking p*ssy and barely talk. You avoid social settings because you're a bytch. You're scared of what people will think about you.... when in reality, nobody is fukking out to get your self-pitying bytch ass. It's all in your head.

The problem isn't what others think of me... the problem is what I think of myself, the way I carry myself and react, the way I folded mentally when I'm a little uncomfortable. You're a weak, miserable bytch and everyone knows it because that is the only thing you advertise.

You know why you aren't comfortable in your own skin? You know why you don't feel as respected as you want to be? You know why you had problems talking to women? Because as you currently are, you are a fukking bytch. You're a legal adult, but you don't carry yourself like a man and you wear your broken mentality on your sleeve every day."

Step 2 - Daily Mental Reconstruction
Talk to yourself. Constantly vocalize positivity, what you need to do, motivational messages. Write shyt down on your phone. Instead of staying in your head all day with negative toxicity, make it your mission to constantly exert positive thoughts and actions.

I have watched a LOT of podcasts and interviews, etc. regarding similar subjects of mental health and positivity and self reinvention as an outlet for education and reinforcement.

The Joe Rogan Experience podcast was the best thing I used for reinforcement and education on this. Particularly his sessions with David Goggins and Duncan Trussell. There are thousands of his episodes on YouTube and most are videos with great guests.

David Goggins lit a fire under me too. Check his spot on Rogan. He was mentally the same guy as me, and physically 300 lbs. Couldn’t run a quarter mile. One day he decided enough is enough... became a badass Navy Seal, has the world record for pull ups, once ran 100 miles at a time. And the way he speaks is powerful.

Constantly stay in your own head with positivity even if you have to force it at first.

Step 3 - Ask Yourself Who You Want to Be
You know the people in your life that you respect...... ask yourself why you respect them. What about them do you respect? Do you handle yourself in that same way? No? Then how do you expect someone else to respect you... for doing the opposite of what YOU respect?

Think about that last sentence. Read it out loud to yourself.

Maybe you respect Kobe Bryant because of his toughness and work ethic... Then why do you act like a bytch when you're uncomfortable and wallow in your sadness?

Identify what you don't respect about yourself. Identify what you respect about others. Don't try to be like anyone else, but find the root of the kind of person you want to become.

Step 4 - Set Goals & Attack - No Excuses
Okay now we are easing into a better state of mind... so now what do we do with this energy? We put it to positive use.

No more getting high or drunk to numb yourself. It's okay to indulge in a buzz but don't do it for the sake of drowning your sorrows or escaping reality. Sure it helps for a few hours but then you wake up the next morning, sober with the same problems because all you did was hide from yourself temporarily.

Set goals. Could be physical, mental, could be forcing yourself to go out with friends when you normally wouldn't because you're being a bytch. Whatever it is you feel is something you need to improve... just fukking do it. Constantly.

Step 5 - Exercise & Eat Clean
I gained like 30 lbs., ate like shyt and I felt like shyt physically, which was one reason I felt like shyt mentally all the time.

The affect exercise has on you MENTALLY is far more rewarding than physical gains. Next time you're seeing red and pissed off or upset, go for a run or lift some weights until you go to muscle failure. I guarantee after that workout you feel better, you feel accomplished and you don't even have the energy to be as upset anymore. Now you did something positive and you're tired. Work out, take a hot shower and get some good food. There's little chance you're still in the same bad state of mind as before those 3 things were completed.

Step 6 - Spread Positivity to Others
Maybe you don't like the response you get from people when you are depressed.... yeah, no shyt. Your energy is awful.

Put a little more bass in your voice when you talk to people. Look them in the eye. Smile while you talk. Engage, or at least allow yourself to be approachable. That alone will open the doors to positive interactions you never even realized were possible for you.

Step 7 - Constantly do things that make you happy
When you're depressed, do you just sit around and do nothing watching Netflix by yourself? And you wonder why that doesn't make you feel better?

Go play basketball. Go outside. Do something fun and active. Go mini golfing with your family. Maybe you're tired and want to chill... instead of just watching Netflix alone tomorrow night, invite a friend to the movie theater or to come over and hang out.

Stagnance breeds additional doubt, wallowing and negativity. Dust yourself off and do something in your free time.

Step 8 - Find Your Purpose
This is the most important thing in a human being's life - having a purpose. Do nothing, you will be nothing.

Strive to advance at work, or search for whatever it is you feel like you should be doing. Maybe it's not work related. Maybe you are lonely and need a good woman in your life, but you can't do that until you're okay with yourself first...... so conquer those demons with the goal in mind to hit the market as a more desirable man than you've ever been.

Recognize your flaws, and change what you need to change to progress as a person. You already know how the other way works. That outcome isn't going to change. You have to make the change from within. Once you accept that and redirect your perspective, sky is the limit.

I found my purpose. My purpose was to be a miserable bytch for my whole life... and then act as a living example of someone who took himself from defeat to resilience. A weak-minded person to a leader. A negative person to a positive person.

My purpose in life is to do everything we are talking about, and help others who experience similar things.

The new version of me does not respect the old version of me, and the old version of me would be offended by the new version even saying that.

What is your purpose?

------

If anyone else here ever needs someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reply here or PM me if you don't want to make your problems public.

You just described my current self to a T. I suffer from depression and low self esteem. It's hard trying to change bro. It seems like your all alone and everything is negative

 

[Wildin]

Mentally we confine ourselves to prisons and pains that nobody else could ever do.

It's true we are our worst critics.

There was a time and now that I know there's nothing anyone can do to me that's worse than I can do to myself.

Growing up unwise I always thought someone shaming me or not loving me or appreciating me was equal to me never finding happiness or balance. I noticed even when I was at my worst or when I felt like I was, out of shape, fukked up haircut, dingy clothes, not having nice things (cars as nice others) etc. I would get small doses of praise that had me like " really"

Broads saying I looked nice or was cute, people saying I dressed well, I'd speak up and people would validate my opinion (approving or saying I should speak up more in school/college/work).

It had me confused as a motherfukker for a min. I realized in terms of others I had to lead with my best foot forward but most importantly I had to be 100% the best person I could be for me and to me.

I had created a false reality where I wasn't shyt. I wasn't suicidal but I didn't give a fukk whether I lived or died.

Once I began unraveling that false reality and seeing clearly, obtaining a perspective of who I was and my place in the world at that point I became in control and could pick and choose where I wanted to go and where I wanted to be.

shyt ain't always easy and /or fun but I'm no longer a prisoner of self inflicted pain and torture.

The only thing we can control are our thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. It's imperative to live present minded, not in the past (depression) not in the future (anxiety / uncertainty).

 

[Shamrock32]

Mentally we confine ourselves to prisons and pains that nobody else could ever do.

It's true we are our worst critics.

There was a time and now that I know there's nothing anyone can do to me that's worse than I can do to myself.

Growing up unwise I always thought someone shaming me or not loving me or appreciating me was equal to me never finding happiness or balance. I noticed even when I was at my worst or when I felt like I was, out of shape, fukked up haircut, dingy clothes, not having nice things (cars as nice others) etc. I would get small doses of praise that had me like " really"

Broads saying I looked nice or was cute, people saying I dressed well, I'd speak up and people would validate my opinion (approving or saying I should speak up more in school/college/work).

It had me confused as a motherfukker for a min. I realized in terms of others I had to lead with my best foot forward but most importantly I had to be 100% the best person I could be for me and to me.

I had created a false reality where I wasn't shyt. I wasn't suicidal but I didn't give a fukk whether I lived or died.

Once I began unraveling that false reality and seeing clearly, obtaining a perspective of who I was and my place in the world at that point I became in control and could pick and choose where I wanted to go and where I wanted to be.

shyt ain't always easy and /or fun but I'm no longer a prisoner of self inflicted pain and torture.

The only thing we can control are our thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. It's imperative to live present minded, not in the past (depression) not in the future (anxiety / uncertainty).

I love everything about this post. Very well said and I can relate to every word of it.

Once you cross over and realize just how much it was you the whole time... 100% mental... it's mind boggling. I look think back and laugh sometimes like "Wow, are you serious? Why would I not allow myself to come to grips with A, B and C?"

It's good to hear you found yourself, my man. Don't look back unless you're digging for fuel.

 

[Shamrock32]

You just described my current self to a T. I suffer from depression and low self esteem. It's hard trying to change bro. It seems like your all alone and everything is negative

It is hard, man, and when you're in that frame of mind you don't even take anything positive seriously at all. You're almost offended by positivity because it scares you and you don't believe in it. I wasted the majority of my life in that state of mind until I figured it out. Even less than 2 years ago I never truly believed I would ever truly feel comfortable in my own skin.

When people said things to me during those times, similar to everything we've all talked about in this thread, I listened but I didn't hear it. I didn't believe it. I wasn't ready to, unfortunately, which is why I understand if some people going through this don't connect with what we're saying. I ruined a lot of opportunities. I was writing for Bleacher Report, CelticsBlog.com, Red's Army and I had a few articles featured on CBS Sports and Fox Sports (via Bleacher Report team preview articles years ago).

I wrote for Rhyme Junkie and got a shoutout from Lord Finesse for the article I wrote about him. I got followed by Lord Finesse, MC Ren, The Outlaws, Joel Goodman, Jack Thriller, Stephon Marbury and some others strictly for my work and ability. Threw it all away. Luckily I'm only 29 so it's not over if I don't want it to be.... but I can't pretend like it would be easy to come off a multi-year hiatus at 30 years old to try to make a name for myself again.

I gave up. Stopped writing completely, for no reason other than my mental state. I didn't care about anything or respect myself. I should without a doubt be a sports writer right now, but I ruined all of my teens and most of my 20's on that bullshyt so I couldn't apply myself with the right perspective. I messed other things up, too.

But you know what, man? If you open your mind, dig deep, be completely 100% honest with yourself, coach yourself into self awareness and make a daily effort to attack your demons like a wild animal... it can be done. I don't know your story outside of how you told me mine relates to it, but I hope you build the strength to believe in yourself. It's worth the struggle to get there.

 

[ABlackMan]

everyone is wired different*

Some unplug also.

 

[010101]

Some unplug also.

to unplug is to cease existing*

 

[Rusty$hackleford]

You got a way with words OP. I appreciate your posts, something I needed to hear and as a reminder to myself to eliminate some these self defeating behaviors getting in the way of happiness

 

[Dreamzeedream]

It is hard, man, and when you're in that frame of mind you don't even take anything positive seriously at all. You're almost offended by positivity because it scares you and you don't believe in it. I wasted the majority of my life in that state of mind until I figured it out. Even less than 2 years ago I never truly believed I would ever truly feel comfortable in my own skin.

When people said things to me during those times, similar to everything we've all talked about in this thread, I listened but I didn't hear it. I didn't believe it. I wasn't ready to, unfortunately, which is why I understand if some people going through this don't connect with what we're saying. I ruined a lot of opportunities. I was writing for Bleacher Report, CelticsBlog.com, Red's Army and I had a few articles featured on CBS Sports and Fox Sports (via Bleacher Report team preview articles years ago).

I wrote for Rhyme Junkie and got a shoutout from Lord Finesse for the article I wrote about him. I got followed by Lord Finesse, MC Ren, The Outlaws, Joel Goodman, Jack Thriller, Stephon Marbury and some others strictly for my work and ability. Threw it all away. Luckily I'm only 29 so it's not over if I don't want it to be.... but I can't pretend like it would be easy to come off a multi-year hiatus at 30 years old to try to make a name for myself again.

I gave up. Stopped writing completely, for no reason other than my mental state. I didn't care about anything or respect myself. I should without a doubt be a sports writer right now, but I ruined all of my teens and most of my 20's on that bullshyt so I couldn't apply myself with the right perspective. I messed other things up, too.

But you know what, man? If you open your mind, dig deep, be completely 100% honest with yourself, coach yourself into self awareness and make a daily effort to attack your demons like a wild animal... it can be done. I don't know your story outside of how you told me mine relates to it, but I hope you build the strength to believe in yourself. It's worth the struggle to get there.

What made you fall into depression and stop writing

 

[TEH]

Thanks Iyanla

I came across a post in the random thoughts thread and it hit home so I want to quote the post and start a discussion about it. Or at least offer my perspective.

I'm a person that has overcome deep depression and self-hatred, and I've evolved into a happy man that has finally found legitimate inner peace. I understand both sides of the spectrum.

Sorry to put @Regine Hunter on blast but I feel this is a very important topic for all people in general. I'm quoting you because I am essentially quoting a younger version of myself through your post:



Don't put yourself in a box and degrade your own mental capacity.

That insecurity you are allowing to consume your constant train of thought... believe me, it is very noticeable to others.

Be real and harsh to yourself. Carry yourself with more positive energy, confidence and self worth. It WILL make a difference.

But the only way this changes in your mind is if you DO IT. No more sideways pity thoughts about what you could, should or would do.

Don't "accept that you are what you are." Do the opposite. Accept the fact that if you continue that toxic daily state of mind, it is completely accepting defeat and accepting that you are not doing anything about the things about yourself that you WANT to be different... but aren't changing by your own choice of using excuses as the sentiments that define you in your own mind... and YOUR mind only.

Do it or don't. I've been there. Do it or don't. It's your choice whether you want to admit it or not. The way you carry yourself and react is always a choice.

I went from a mentally weak, miserable person who is surrounded by a dark aura and spreads negative energy daily.... to a genuinely happy man with a house, an unbelievable woman I've been with for years, a dog and I'll say it again - I found inner peace.

I understand where Regine Hunter is coming from and I also understand how you can spark inner peace through your own intuition if you are willing to do it.

Stay strong and carry yourself in ways you respect others for carrying themselves. Be yourself and own it. The other side is fukking beautiful. Exert positivity and be your own person, you'll be shocked at what happens subsequently.