[WCW] Netcop Rant - Bash at the Beach 1997- 7/14/97
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Live from Daytona Beach, with the usual gang of idiots doing the
announcing.
Opening rant: At several points during the card, the announcers state that
the entire world is watching this, and every major paper and sports channel
will be covering it. For the record, I have not heard one mention of
Rodman in the legitimate press as it relates to wrestling. Not a single
one. But then, WCW wasn't the #1 organization in the world when they
started claiming that, either, so I guess it's par for the course.
Opening match: Well, we've finally run out of combinations of Glacier v.
Mortis/Wrath in singles matches, so now it's Glacier and Ernest "Chocolate
Mousse" Miller v. Mortis and Watch in a tag match. I really don't care
about three of the four guys in this, and I only care about Wrath because
he used to be a pretty cool character named Adam Bomb. Wrath actually
pulls off some pretty interesting shyt in this, including a somersault off
the apron and a kind of reverse Boston Crab. The announcers try to build a
backstory, despite the total lack of plotting to begin with. It doesn't
work. Miller can kick well, but that's all he does. Luckily, he doesn't
figure into this match. Glacier gives Vandenberg a wicked kick off the
apron, but gets kicked by Mortis (with a chain on the boot) for the pin and
a win for the heels for the first time. A pleasant surprise of a match to
start. ***
Ultimate Dragon v. Chris Jericho: Gee, shouldn't they call him Chris
Jerichate? Lots of flipping and flopping and flying but no real offense
here. Dumbass crowd chants "We want Syxx." Tony lists the things that the
nWo could do here: Nothing or something. And the First Annual Deanna Troi
Award for Stating the Blatantly Obvious in the Name of Filling Time goes
to...Tony Schiavone! You can collect your fake statuette after the show,
Tony. Hum-drum match with a few high-spots thrown in. No real flow or
pacing to speak of. Jericho gets the pin after reversing a pinning
combination for the millionth time. ***1/2, but both guys are capable of
so much more.
Scheme Gene yaps about the usual bullshyt, then finds Raven and the
Clueless Putz in the front row. Raven reads some poetry and Stevie almost
gives away a big secret, earning him a smack. Oh, please, oh please don't
let WCW fukk this up. And memo to Eric: You might as well just sign the
Blue Meanie and get it over with. The cruiserweight division would *rock*
if these guys get to bring their circus to town. And I mean that in the
nicest way.
And things just go waaaaaaaaaaaaay downhill from here, folks.
Steiner Brothers v. Evil Japanese Team: The guy with the huge bald spot
and dumb looking makeup looks a lot like a really good wrestler I used to
know named Keiji Mutoh...I wonder if they're related? Have I mentioned
Scott looks like a porno star with the goatee and roided look? Better
check your baggage claim tags, Muta, you left your talent (and hair) in
Japan. Stall, stall, stall. shyt match which is supposed to somehow be
meaningful because it means the Steiners will get a title shot "down the
road." * and that's being generous. I just can't watch the Steiners
anymore.
Rant #2: I'm getting pretty fukking sick of this stupid "winner gets a
title shot" gimmick in place of actual, you know, TITLE MATCHES. Just
because the two World titles in WCW are held by people who NEVER DEFEND
THEM doesn't mean I as a fan have to like being jerked around by the
bookers. The Steiners have now won, what, 14 matches where the winner gets
a title shot, and the Outsiders still haven't defended the belts since the
Bash. And don't even get me started on Hogan. And how many title shots do
the Steiners deserve, anyway? They're already something like 5-time
champions, enough's enough already.
Next match!
Trios match: Psychosis/La Parka/Villano IV v. Hector Garza/Juventud
Guerrera/Lizmark Jr: I will give WCW credit for putting a real lucha libre
style match on the PPV instead of adapting it to American rules. That
being said, I don't really care for this style of wrestling and I don't
feel comfortable rating it. Only half the guys in this are anything
special, however, and Sonny Onoo always drags things down with him.
Technicos win after a Villano IV/V switch attempt backfires.
Career Match - Kevin Sullivan v. Chris Benoit: Jackie and Kevin argue as
they come to the ring, thus giving away the ending right there. I called
that one easily enough. As usual, this goes all over the place. Utterly
mindless mayhem, and not very good either. This is #245 in the series, and
it's easily the worst of the bunch. Why can they hit each other with
surfboards, and yet Chris still has to break the hold when Sullivan gets to
the ropes? They brawl a bit outside, come back in, Chris puts a boring
submission move on Sullivan, Sullivan gets out, Jackie turns on Sullivan,
Chris wins. Lame match with a cheap ending. * for the match, an
additional * for (hopefully) never having to endure Kevin Sullivan in the
ring with Chris Benoit again. Good riddance to bad booking. I'm going to
assume their was some kind of foreshadowing of a Jackie turn on Nitros
previous, because their certainly wasn't any reason for it I could see.
US title match - Jeff Jarrett v. Steve McMichael: Oh joy. 600 wrestlers
on the WCW roster and it's Jeff Jarrett fighting Steve McMichael for the
fukking US title. Jeff gets zero pop here, and quickly realizes he'll have
to play the heel to get over. So he does. I think, at this point, JJ can
called a bad investment on WCW's part. Fairly quick match (God is merciful
indeed) which ends in a Debra turn as she gives the briefcase to Jarrett
for the pin, which I'm sure means this interminable feud will be stretched
out over another 3 PPVs. **
Mystery Partner Match: Scott Hall and Randy Savage v. DDP and ???: Curt
Hennig is revealed as the mystery partner, which would have had more impact
had he not made a pointless appearance on Nitro the past week. $10 says he
turns on DDP by the end of the match. The (Legal) Hand of God is waiting
to smite anyone who dares say the word "Perfect" in any context during this
match. Although "Now you're going to see a fisherman's suplex!" just
doesn't have that same ring. This is one of those matches where you look
back at the lineup 5 years later and say "Why was Hall teaming with Savage?
Why was DDP teaming with Hennig?" Nothing match, as DDP plays whipping boy
for a bit, then Hennig turns on him (I win $10 from myself, I guess) to the
shock of no one. Usual nWo bullshyt ending follows as they double-team DDP
and pin him, then beat on him for a bit. Is one fully resolved storyline
at a PPV too much to ask? **1/2 The "Tune into Nitro!" at the end was
unspoken and unnecessary.
Geriatric Match - Roddy Piper v. Ric Flair: I don't care how spunky these
old guys are, I'll take Dean Malenko, Sting, Eddy Guerrero and/or any one
of a dozen guys WCW could be using in the upper echelons over these guys
any day. Interesting fact: The combined age of Flair and Piper is 238.
Look it up. Seriously, it's time to hang it up, guys. The joke isn't
funny anymore. Good enough match, but who cares anymore? Respect,
tradition, blah blah blah. Put 'em out to pasture already. At least Dusty
Rhodes had the decency to retire before he got to be *too* much of a parody
of himself. The Horsemen interfere at one point, but Piper survives and
puts Flair out with the sleeper. This was waaaaaaaay too long and I
personally don't care if neither guy ever wrestles again at this point. **
Rant #3: Dennis Rodman is not a great athlete. He's a freak of nature and
a disgrace to the NBA. The announcers should be ashamed of themselves for
shamelessly heralding him as the second coming as though being a good
basketball player somehow translates to having wrestling talent. It
doesn't. He's a self-promoting slimeball who wouldn't be considered worth
shyt if he didn't dress like a transvestite and act like a spoiled little
twerp in the name of "sport."
That being said...
"Main" event - Hulk Hogan & Dennis Rodman v. Lex Luger & The Giant:
Terrible. Utterly awful. I'm not even going to dignify this bullshyt
"match" with a summary. Suffice it to say, Dennis does about three moves
and the announcers nearly kill each other fighting to be the next one to
suck Rodman off. "A leapfrog! He leapfrogged him! Oh my god, even Rey
Mysterio Jr. can't do a leapfrog! Dennis Rodman is the greatest wrestler
alive! Pass the kleenex!" Gimme a fukking break. Someone who looks like
Sting comes down and nails the Giant with the baseball bat, which of course
leads to Luger racking Hogan for the submission. Yeah, it didn't really
make sense to me, either. Luger racks everyone else for good measure. *
This gets a big "whatever" from me. WCW fans, if you like this sort of
thing, bully for you. Three turns, none of which really made any sense,
four if you count "Sting," and what is possibly the worst main event I've
seen in a long, long time. Rodman can't wrestle, period. He has no
business being in the ring, and WCW has no business making the fans pay
$27.95 to watch him try.
Don't believe the hype. Thumbs down for Bash at the Beach.
As always, I remain the net.cop...
" - January 13, 1997
"
Raven AND Mr Perfect just showed up on Nitro brehs!
