Washington columnist ethers Mike Mayock

[heisenburrr]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/sport...41d661b0bb78_story.html?wprss=rss_norman-chad

It’s Mike Mayock’s world on Thursday nights, and we just have to despair in it.

NFL Network’s slogan is: “Together We Make Football.” Mayock’s slogan is: “By Myself I Destroy Football.”
NFL any time, anywhere, NFL Network’s weekly game is an exercise in joylessness, soiled by a Mayockian soundtrack of endless football speak, overbearing babble and mind-boggling minutiae. It is death by a thousand small, analytical cuts.

Mayock is the worst manifestation of a recent NFL jock trend — exemplified by Fox’s “Moose” Johnston and John Lynch and CBS’s Dan Dierdorf — in which a speech is delivered after every snap. Nothing is too obvious to comment on, and in Mayock’s case, he speaks his own language.

On Thursday nights, downfield blocks are “second-level blocks.” Receivers don’t jump to make catches; they “high-point the football.” Players never fumble; they “put the ball on the ground.”

In a 15-minute span, Mayock will mention “double A-gap pressure” and “double X stunts on the inside.” If a game goes to overtime, it’s possible he would make his way through the entire alphabet.

Random Mayock: “And Hakeem Nicks with those big mitts. He’s got as big a group of two hands as I’ve ever seen.”

Wall-to-wall Mayock is like being trapped in a telephone booth with a pregnant hyena. If a player dives over the pylon, he’ll give you 20 seconds on the pylon. Heck, afforded the opportunity, he would analyze a doorknob.

Mayock actually knows what he’s talking about, but he doesn’t know when to stop talking about it. Trying to listen to his replay breakdowns is like trying to gaze at a Rorschach test through a stained glass window.

Stunningly, Mayock’s TV stock is so high these days, he also serves as NBC’s analyst on Notre Dame football.

(Blissfully, I ignore Notre Dame telecasts. The only chance I’d watch in the near future is if the school recruits my 6-foot-5, 210-pound, two-sport stepson, Isaiah Eisendorf. But Isaiah’s college-playing prospects probably lie with basketball rather than football. Either way — whoever wants to take him off our hands — we are looking for the “Reggie Bush package.”)

Play-by-play partner Brad Nessler is a pro, but he would be better off in a broadcasters’ witness protection program than being waterboarded by Mayock every Thursday.

When Tiquan Underwood made a nice catch the other night, he did “a heck of a job securing the football all the way through the contact with the ground.”

Random Mayock: “Nice job there by Greg Olsen working up the field, stems at the topand breaks it back out.”

Seriously, if someone were saying all this stuff sitting next to you in a bar while you’re trying to watch a game, you would leave the bar. If someone were saying all this stuff to you in your own home, you might put your home on the market.

If Mayock were doing commentary at a cemetery, the dead would rise and ask to be cremated.

And in Mayock’s rush to speak authoritatively about everything at every moment, he loves declaring countless players the best or one of the best he’s ever seen. Everyone’s the greatest; if Mayock ever visits the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, I assume he would hyperventilate.

“I think Eli [Manning], when he sets his feet, he throws that slant as well as anyone in the league.”

“I think [Mike Tolbert] is one of the most underappreciated players in the league.”

“When [Sam Bradford’s] got clean-feet vision, his accuracy on the deep ball is as good as anybody in football.”

Darrelle Revis “undercuts as well as any corner you’ll ever see.”

Random Mayock: “You want to talk about lateral jump cuts  . . .”

I’d like to leave my beleaguered Couch Slouch community with Mayock’s sound bite of the year, from the Sept. 26 49ers-Rams game. I’d give you the context, but I think it’s better appreciated as a stand-alone monument to the maelstrom that is Mike Mayock:

“Step. Step. Pat. Burp the baby. And now throw it.”

dude hit the NAIL on that article

 

[Ed MOTHERFUCKING G]

This nerdy reporter is just mad because guys who played the game are taking jobs away from other dorks from northwestern and missouri

Enjoy print media geek, i'd rather hear from a coach or player that can talk than a suit like you.

 

[heisenburrr]

This nerdy reporter is just mad because guys who played the game are taking jobs away from other dorks from northwestern and missouri

Enjoy print media geek, i'd rather hear from a coach or player that can talk than a suit like you.

I know you're not defending Mike Mayock analysys right now

 

[JLova]

Folk really don't like Mayock eh?

 

[Carlos Huerta]

"ether" has really lost its luster in here

 

[MVike28]

This nerdy reporter is just mad because guys who played the game are taking jobs away from other dorks from northwestern and missouri

Enjoy print media geek, i'd rather hear from a coach or player that can talk than a suit like you.

nikka that Michigan L got you rantin for no reason.

Tell me he's lyin. Mayock is the worst commentator out..with Brian Billick coming in a close second.

 

[SoulController]

Mayock's cool, just not as a commentator. his mocks and draft analysis are fine, they need someone with more energy (Gus?) calling Thursday games and put Mike in a postgame tape review show

he does kill me with the burp the baby shyt

 

[Lucky_Lefty]

you could switch Mayock's name out with Gruden's and wouldn't feel any differently

 

[Ed MOTHERFUCKING G]

I know you're not defending Mike Mayock analysys right now

I dont care either way about him...but this isnt even really about mayock. The writer is using mayock as an example of the fact and why he hates ex nfl guys as commentators. Saying they essentially point out obvious things.

He's mad because they're taking jobs boring journalists typically have. Thats the source of the anger in this article.

 

[NYC Rebel]

Folk really don't like Mayock eh?

I can't stand him. leCharles Bently on twitter stays retweeting me shytting on dude. I don't want to know when "i watched this kid" or be on that slick cism. Dude talks too fukking much and doesn't allow the game to speak for itself

 

[MVike28]

I can't stand him. leCharles Bently on twitter stays retweeting me shytting on dude. I don't want to know when "i watched this kid" or be on that slick cism. Dude talks too fukking much and doesn't allow the game to speak for itself

Callin 5 year veteran nikkas kids

i can see clearly

 

[mastermind]

I was going to post this article because I read it on the way to work this morning. Norman Chad went in, lol.

 

[Carlos Huerta]

This is funny because I was talking about Mayock like 2 weeks ago to my boy. I like him on NFL network when he's breaking down tape and such, but his game comments are insufferable. Just like the writer said, he is verbose. This game is pretty simple, but he tries to make it sound like advanced statistical analysis.

 

[SubLyminalz]

i prefer him over mcshay and kiper as far as pre draft analyst and breaking down film from different positions, he is ok commentating the combine but his In game analyst and commentating can get annoying.

 

[Lakers Offseason]

I guess this guy prefers the John Madden analysis...

"You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy going in the a-hole getting in the endzone"