In more detail....
My mind was ALL KINDS of fukked up. It was like having a big-ass road map, with no sense/way of gaining direction on even the most BASIC level of human existence. It was incomprehensible....
The following words/phrases described me: underconfident, timid, socially awkward, depressed, lonely, suicidal, scrawny, etc. I had this fukked up mindset that everyone else was better than me, and I am always wrong and insignificant no matter what. This made it very hard for me to stand up for myself, and easy for others to take full advantage. The fact that I was physically weak as well didn't help either. I wasn't getting slapped around on a constant basis or getting stuffed in lockers, but basically if someone wanted to flex, I'd be the "go-to-guy." Funny thing is the nikkaz that were doing it were always eventually exposed to be bytch-nikkaz themselves...It was EXTREMELY DEPRESSING though, and frustrating because I had an ENORMOUS interest in the martial arts since I was young; I just never had access to them. I believe that if I were able to get into something, my shyt would of turned out TOTALLY different. I had no real father figure or anyone to look up to, so I was basically a baby lamb in a forest full of wolves.
I got clowned/picked on SLIGHTLY but luckily it never got too out of hand like with others. This basically came from hanging out with the wrong nikkaz. Most of the time I would get clowned for shyt that wasn't even humorous; just ignorance on their part. I'm Belizean ( a "coolie" bwoy), so I don't necessarily look AA. But, I would get called shyt like "terrorist, bin Laden, pakistan" and pretty much any popular person of Indian heritage. The fact that I had glasses and braces up until my sophomore year added to it too. Basically people would fukk with me because they saw me as "quiet" and "nice", as if that was an excuse. The disrespect was immense; I honestly believe that if I were the way I am now back then, I would of executed at least 5 nikkaz....like seriously.......
Females? FUHGGEDABOUTIT. I couldn't get p*ssy if the shyt fell in my lap out the damned sky. I had NO CLUE how to interact with females, and I was sold on the whole "females are a gift" Disney-bullshyt, so that obviously yielded disastrous results. I would get rejected just because, or for stupid shyt like "not looking black enough", or "not talking enough". I was the kid that would like a chick, get turned down, then a week later see her hugged up in the hallway with some next nikka. VERY soul-shattering. Every now and then someone would claim to like me, but I would have NO attraction to them whatsoever. I'm talking 200 pound chicks. Sorry but...fukk that. I even had some chick turn me down for this cat I worked with, then tried to get me to take her to my prom just to get back at him after he dropped her. I declined promptly, and never spoke to her again...I never went to my prom, either...just stayed in the hood with the homies and got fukked up. I didn't even lose my v-card until I was like 19....
It wasn't until my later years (16-18) that shyt STARTED to get better. For some reason, nikkaz decided to take me under their wing besides my few REAL homies that were still my friends through all of that bullshyt (I still keep in contact to this day). IDK if nikkaz felt sorry for me, had a coming of age or what, but I'm thankful as shyt for them (R.I.P. Calvin). Today I look back at it and seriously wonder how I didn't keep from leaping off a bridge or drinking a leach cocktail or some shyt. I almost half don't believe that my life was like that, and it most be some fukked up elaborate thought someone implanted into my head. I really don't know. It wasn't until I left High school that a nikka began to evolve and actually LEARN shyt.
So basically from birth to 30....FML.
). Was on deck 24/7 with that loud, so i was the kush go to guy. Was cool with every group in my school and everybody. Was the class clown. Got p*ssy. Got kicked out of school but still was able to graduate on time(thanks to continuation school) .
