GoGetMyDamnBelt_
All Star
Yea its usually not a good idea to keep a phoney level of support if its not what you need. Better to just cut the loss, even when its family.
Family is what you make it. Blood don't make you family.
Yea its usually not a good idea to keep a phoney level of support if its not what you need. Better to just cut the loss, even when its family.
I've been told to not let the past overpower me but I think it's way too late. The depression was the stepping stone into my own destruction. Before I got married, whenever I had sex, I use to shame myself, belittle myself so much after the deed was done because, to be honest, I hated sex. I was disgusted by it. But it made me so angry that it's what my body craved. Like I'm some damn addict. Like someone who's addicted to drugs and they know it's terribly wrong but they can't stop because that's all they know. That needle, that powder, it's all they know.
Ever met a person that hated sex but continued to do it anyways?
Those experiences confused me about my sexuality for so long. I think it still does. That confusion placed me in bad relationships. Want to know the main reason I got married? Because my husband was the only man I could sleep with comfortably with no shame involved. I don't know why but the fact that he brought that comfortability out of me, I wanted him to stay with me. And I disguised that comfortability with love. I didn't realize that until recently, 3 years into my marriage. Looking back on it, the marriage started off wrong because of my reasoning only and it's caused damages. Right now, he wants to stick around and work on us when I believe we should just divorce and let me work on me. As of recently, he vowed he wants to work on me with me as well. As I've said previously, I have my first therapist appointment on the 30th. He wants to come along and be there.
Those childhood experiences made me develop horrible communication skills that I am trying very hard to work on. A lot of mistakes and misunderstandings has happened simply because I don't know how to communicate properly. And with that, I get accustomed to not speaking at all. Without speaking, I overthink. I succumb to the battlefield of my mind and it tears me up. Again, I've been told to not let my past overpower me but I can't! I can't cannot think about it! And to add fuel to that 10+ year old burning fire, my current troubles and responsibilities are now add ons. Finances, this battle with my husband, school, work. I just wanted a break. I feel trapped all the time. I try motivating myself, I really try to but I can't. I lose everytime I try. Offing myself always seemed like a better solution to me. It would be the only way to silence my mind and not have me hurt anymore.
I think you should see where it goes with your husband because he could be a really good support system. You need that dear. Don't push him away because you think that's best because what's best for you is support from loved ones since your mother failed you.I've been told to not let the past overpower me but I think it's way too late. The depression was the stepping stone into my own destruction. Before I got married, whenever I had sex, I use to shame myself, belittle myself so much after the deed was done because, to be honest, I hated sex. I was disgusted by it. But it made me so angry that it's what my body craved. Like I'm some damn addict. Like someone who's addicted to drugs and they know it's terribly wrong but they can't stop because that's all they know. That needle, that powder, it's all they know.
Ever met a person that hated sex but continued to do it anyways?
Those experiences confused me about my sexuality for so long. I think it still does. That confusion placed me in bad relationships. Want to know the main reason I got married? Because my husband was the only man I could sleep with comfortably with no shame involved. I don't know why but the fact that he brought that comfortability out of me, I wanted him to stay with me. And I disguised that comfortability with love. I didn't realize that until recently, 3 years into my marriage. Looking back on it, the marriage started off wrong because of my reasoning only and it's caused damages. Right now, he wants to stick around and work on us when I believe we should just divorce and let me work on me. As of recently, he vowed he wants to work on me with me as well. As I've said previously, I have my first therapist appointment on the 30th. He wants to come along and be there.
Those childhood experiences made me develop horrible communication skills that I am trying very hard to work on. A lot of mistakes and misunderstandings has happened simply because I don't know how to communicate properly. And with that, I get accustomed to not speaking at all. Without speaking, I overthink. I succumb to the battlefield of my mind and it tears me up. Again, I've been told to not let my past overpower me but I can't! I can't cannot think about it! And to add fuel to that 10+ year old burning fire, my current troubles and responsibilities are now add ons. Finances, this battle with my husband, school, work. I just wanted a break. I feel trapped all the time. I try motivating myself, I really try to but I can't. I lose everytime I try. Offing myself always seemed like a better solution to me. It would be the only way to silence my mind and not have me hurt anymore.
I think you should see where it goes with your husband because he could be a really good support system. You need that dear. Don't push him away because you think that's best because what's best for you is support from loved ones since your mother failed you.
@4North1Side2 My God
I really wish you got out of there the moment it happened. Even if you forgave her for the first one, the second time in front of the kids? She would have to leave. That's intolerable! Are you guys still together ?
Yeah I know but I stuck with her for a number of reasons.
1. I truly love her and see her as my best friend.
2. I sacrificed way too much being with her, it has to work or it will drive me crazy having this relationship fail.
3.I always believed in her and I refuse to turn my back on her, all the lash outs was her way of expressing pain and cries of help.
Yes we are still together. My sons actually found that shyt funny majority of her time, they thought we were acting silly.
Things are Soooooooo much better than before. Its a normal relationship now. My biggest problem now is not taking it personal when she's not in the best of moods.
What helps me a lot when dealing with personal issues is speaking about openly like we are now and online journaling.
I'm really excited for your upcoming therapy session, fingers crossed that good things will come out of it.