Can we discuss Mental Illness?

4North1Side2

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I've been told to not let the past overpower me but I think it's way too late. The depression was the stepping stone into my own destruction. Before I got married, whenever I had sex, I use to shame myself, belittle myself so much after the deed was done because, to be honest, I hated sex. I was disgusted by it. But it made me so angry that it's what my body craved. Like I'm some damn addict. Like someone who's addicted to drugs and they know it's terribly wrong but they can't stop because that's all they know. That needle, that powder, it's all they know.

Ever met a person that hated sex but continued to do it anyways?

Those experiences confused me about my sexuality for so long. I think it still does. That confusion placed me in bad relationships. Want to know the main reason I got married? Because my husband was the only man I could sleep with comfortably with no shame involved. I don't know why but the fact that he brought that comfortability out of me, I wanted him to stay with me. And I disguised that comfortability with love. I didn't realize that until recently, 3 years into my marriage. Looking back on it, the marriage started off wrong because of my reasoning only and it's caused damages. Right now, he wants to stick around and work on us when I believe we should just divorce and let me work on me. As of recently, he vowed he wants to work on me with me as well. As I've said previously, I have my first therapist appointment on the 30th. He wants to come along and be there.

Those childhood experiences made me develop horrible communication skills that I am trying very hard to work on. A lot of mistakes and misunderstandings has happened simply because I don't know how to communicate properly. And with that, I get accustomed to not speaking at all. Without speaking, I overthink. I succumb to the battlefield of my mind and it tears me up. Again, I've been told to not let my past overpower me but I can't! I can't cannot think about it! And to add fuel to that 10+ year old burning fire, my current troubles and responsibilities are now add ons. Finances, this battle with my husband, school, work. I just wanted a break. I feel trapped all the time. I try motivating myself, I really try to but I can't. I lose everytime I try. Offing myself always seemed like a better solution to me. It would be the only way to silence my mind and not have me hurt anymore.


I haven't gone thru what you have but I can sympathize with you in some respects. I don't think think suicide is bad unless you have children who depend on you but I do see it as a outlet of freedom. I think about it sometimes too. I feel that everything will be easier if I just do it, no more stress, aggravation, or responsibilities.... but I have kids who love me dearly so I'll never do it.

I don't think it's too late, your past will always have a ultra powerful effect on you but as long as your up to it, you will be able to very slowly come to accept what happened to you bringing your mind at peace. I'm happy to hear your man is willing to stick thru with you, I think it's really good he has your back. Having a loving, caring, supportive person in your corner can help tremendously but you do know yourself best. Divorcing and doing you can help you see things more clearly without a lot of pressures relationships come with.


My girlfriend was a horrible communicator as well, she lashed out in violence in the beginning of our relationship when she disagreed with something, I wrote about it recently on another forum. Sorry it's really sloppy but I tried to write it as quickly as possible.

This is one huge trigger warning





In the very beginning, my girlfriend would slap me all the time in the face over the dumbest shyt. I didn't mind at first because I chalked it up her heritage, being Puerto Rican and Italian, both groups are known for their fiery attitudes so i found it cute. As time went on, the slapping started to increase, so it went from once every few days, to every day, to multiple times per a day. I started getting fed up with the act, finding it less cute and funny as time went on.



Then it happened in public right in front of my sons. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle, she slapped the shyt out of me right outside of the store in front of my 6 and 8 year sons. I was so heated, but I kept my composure just leaving her at the mall by herself to find her way home. I finally reached my breaking point. A few days later we were at home and she started lashing out, I immediately told her "look I found you slapping me cute n funny at first but I no longer do, please do not put your hands on me, that shyt actually hurts" She kept getting in my face while I tried to remove myself from the situation. I repeat myself again "please don't touch me" She keeps antagonizing me as I'm trying to get away so I become angry "I swear to god I'm going to slap the shyt out of you if you do it"



She took it as a challenge and slapped me, I slapped her back instantly which finally shut her ass up. She started sobbing saying "I can't believe you would hit a girl" then took her ass to sleep. This is after slapping me for a total of atleast 200 time.... sometimes up to 20 times in one day. I never hit a woman before but I can't lie, it felt good after all the crap she was putting me thru and to finally have some peace and quiet at home.



She didn't hit me for a while after that. Maybe 2 months.



Since she knew I would hit her back, now when she lashed out, she would put me down as a person, saying all types of stuff to hurt my feelings. Being that I'm unphased by words, it really burned her up. After 2 months seeing she wasn't getting the reaction she wanted from words, she started hitting me again. I try to walk away, plead for her to stop but it falls on deaf ears. She kept working me to the point I slapped her the first time and I would threaten her that I'm going to beat her fukking ass if she doesn't stop fukking with me. Sometimes she would cry "just do it, just do it, it's the only thing that'll make me feel good" I'd put my anger to the side, just hug her and cry with her because I know she was hurting bad. She was totally against therapy and counseling at the time. She didn't want to face her past no matter how much I pleaded her to.





Walking away and cooling off was a new concept to her, she said in her house, shyt gets handled right away. She took walking away as a sign that the person didn't care about her.




 

4North1Side2

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Few more months, things became really violet between us. I was working 80 hours a week at the time, 2 full time jobs to support us and my sons. She didn't work or needed for nothing. I started getting fed up with her lash outs, she had a problem with everything and she would do this shyt at my main job alot. She hung out with me there pretty much everyday. I would scream at her to leave me the fukk alone at work, I'm going to get fired and we would lose everything we are trying to accomplish but she didn't get it. So I would shove her hard as hell to get her out of my face.





At home, she started breaking shyt in the kitchen, to throwing items at me, to picking up knives and threatening my life. I was very scared at first. Instead of slapping me now, she straight up punching me in the face and wailing on me with a flurry of punches.





Now I'm at a point where I'm not above laying my hands on her anymore. Physical violence was the only thing that stopped her.



I remember it being 3am, she woke me up because the had a dream that I was cheating on her becoming super angry. I just said "I don't have time for this" turned over sleeping while ignoring her while she calls me every name in the book. Out of no where, I get punched in the face hard where you hear that loud ping sound in your ear. I became so furious, I slapped her ass then choked her out. She started crying, saying I was evil and went to sleep. I felt so bad, I apologized profusely the next day... I felt so low as a person. I was never this type of person before. We made up the next day.





At this point in our relationship, we had physical altercations on a weekly basis. She still refused help but I started calling abuse hotlines seeking help for myself. Everyone just told me to call the police and leave her but that's not what I wanted to hear... I believed she could make it past this.





I remember we took my sons to Chuck E Cheese, she was upset about something so she stayed in the car the whole time we were in there which was about 1 hour and 20 minutes. She finally came in as we were leaving which made her even more mad. She demanded to drive the car so i let her, even tho she has no drivers license.... She starts arguing with me then threatening to kill everybody in the car by crashing it. My sons actually thought it was funny like she was joking....





She knows how much my sons mean dearly to me so at this point, she's like words don't phase him but he'll hit me if I hit him, what can I do to get him angry. She started lashing out in front of my sons. She wanted to show them "how much of a piece of shyt their father was" I was always try to pull her to a different setting but she wouldn't buge. Then she started threatening to have me locked up so they wouldn't have no father to help them. That threw me over the edge, I choked her so hard, and wouldn't let up as she was kicking for air... then I finally let go. Told her I would kill her if she ever tries that.







We were good for a while after that then another huge lash out in front of my sons. This time she grabbed a knife trying to stab them in front of me. Then I committed my lowest act. I manipulated her to calm down and brought her to the living room by ourselves. We were sitting on the couch and i started doing all the things and saying what her Uncle did to her. At first she didn't know what was going on but then she caught on after a few more seconds, that crushed her world. I told her, you wanted to see how evil I can be and now you got it, and kept up the act. She felt so low as a person and started crying like crazy. She screaming "I can't believe you would do this, fukk you" etc I finally stopped when she said "sit back so I can suck your dikk just like I sucked my Uncles" and she really tried to push me back to do it. I felt a shock and felt really low. I'm urging her to fukking stop but she's like no, let me fukking show you. She finally stopped and we just hugged and cried on the couch.





At this time she's finally opening up to therapy but still has reservations. Fighting happened less but when it did... It was more and more violent.



So I remember I was so fed up with the fighting and planned a really nice date for us. I brought a dapper suit, rented a fancy car, to take her to the mall for a shopping spree and then later dinner. While at the mall, a telemarketer called me and we were on the phone talking. By the tone of the conversation, my girlfriend thought i was cheating again accusing me. I became so mad and turned off with her, I put on speaker phone and was like "mike can you speak up so my gf knows your not a woman I'm cheating with" She felt so stupid. I was still fuming saying "fukk I can't have a single fukking good day with you, I'm so fukking sick of this shyt and tired of you" She apologized profusely but I didn't care no more. We went to lunch and she looked miserable. I tell her, you look fukking miserable why can't you fukking be happy, started going off on her real hard, finally getting up saying the date is over I'm leaving.





She's pleading for me to continue the date but I'm not having it. I'm really sick of her now. So I'm driving home and she's mad, calling me every name in the book. I tell her to shut the fukk up because I'm really not in the mood. She keeps talking and I'm yelling shut the fukk up at the top of my lungs. I take off the titanium ring she gave me chucking it hard as fukk in the car and it hits the huge navigation screen in the middle leaving a nasty mark. I'm more enraged now because I have to pay for damages to the rental. I'm raging now. She's talking down to me then calls me a ******. I tell her "look that shyt cute at home in bed but call me that again and watch what happens" She says, I punch her hard as hell in her arm. She says it again, punch, again, punch, until she she can't utter it no more. Nearly her whole arm is swollen black and blue. I become even more angry now seeing what I done.



So I call her mother yelling come get your fukking daughter because I'm done, she says what's wrong and I yell stop playing games with me, she says don't you fukking yell at me you ******. I say I'm the ****** but you fukking abandoned your daughter for all these years, who's the real ******? She hangs up.



We get home, my gf is mad at me for punching her attacking me so I put her in a super tight headlock.... She thought she was going to die. I let her go and she is crawling on all fours, choking for air. I tell her, that's right crawl you fukking low life loser. I can't believe I threw my life away for a bum lowly as you. She's crying hysterically calling her mother telling her I hit her. Her mom calls the police. The police come but we straighten up playing everything off. They leave us be.





Her family is making the driver the following day to pick her up and take her home finally, 400 miles away.





We make up the following the day, she's crying she doesn't want to leave but i tell her she has to. This relationship isn't good for either of us anymore.... We need this time apart...maybe we can get back together later.





She only lasted a week with her family begging to come back and I missed her. I told her only if she gets professional help which she did.







Therapy helped out tremendously at first, the fighting happened less. She was able to walk away and cool off finally. Didn't get mad at small things like before or accuse me of cheating as much. After 5 months, therapy wasn't helping no more. She started regressing with everything. I planned a beautiful small vacation for her birthday. Before leaving, we told the therapist we usually have big fights when we go away on trips. She hammered into us not to go there and I took it heart, plus I wanted her to have the best bday ever.





As usual we had a fight. I listened to the therapist but she crossed the line. We were driving a highway at 70mph and she slapped the hell out of me over a disagreement. I didn't mean to but I just threw a punch reactionary out of anger. That one punch did so much damage. Her nose was leaking like faucet, and her face was swollen something nasty right away. I pulled the car over stomping out, so upset with myself. Another trip ruined.



We got over it and my gf says she no longer wishes to attend therapy, it's no longer helpful but instead hurts her instead bringing her to a dark place. We stopped going and she's been doing super good. No more fighting about anything between us for a month then she regresses a little. I no longer wish to put my hands on her and tell her "please leave me alone or you leave no choice but to call the police... I have so much to lose and I'm not losing it over nothing" She wouldn't stop and I finally called the police of her after all this time.





I told them, it's nothing serious, she just needs a wake up call. i don't want either of us to go to jail. The police came and tried to speak with her. She had fire in her eyes and felt that I betrayed her for calling them. They tried to speak some sense into her but she didn't want to hear it, She felt that we were trying to make her the bad guy. They left after talking some more to her then we went inside. I told her I was tired of fighting and I don't want either of us to go to jail. She really thought about it and it sunk in. She said I understand why you did it and I'm not mad at you.





Things have been super great for us since then. All of this happened over a span of two years.
 

GoGetMyDamnBelt_

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@4North1Side2 My God :mjcry:
I really wish you got out of there the moment it happened. Even if you forgave her for the first one, the second time in front of the kids? She would have to leave. That's intolerable! Are you guys still together ?
 

Elle Driver

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I've been told to not let the past overpower me but I think it's way too late. The depression was the stepping stone into my own destruction. Before I got married, whenever I had sex, I use to shame myself, belittle myself so much after the deed was done because, to be honest, I hated sex. I was disgusted by it. But it made me so angry that it's what my body craved. Like I'm some damn addict. Like someone who's addicted to drugs and they know it's terribly wrong but they can't stop because that's all they know. That needle, that powder, it's all they know.

Ever met a person that hated sex but continued to do it anyways?

Those experiences confused me about my sexuality for so long. I think it still does. That confusion placed me in bad relationships. Want to know the main reason I got married? Because my husband was the only man I could sleep with comfortably with no shame involved. I don't know why but the fact that he brought that comfortability out of me, I wanted him to stay with me. And I disguised that comfortability with love. I didn't realize that until recently, 3 years into my marriage. Looking back on it, the marriage started off wrong because of my reasoning only and it's caused damages. Right now, he wants to stick around and work on us when I believe we should just divorce and let me work on me. As of recently, he vowed he wants to work on me with me as well. As I've said previously, I have my first therapist appointment on the 30th. He wants to come along and be there.

Those childhood experiences made me develop horrible communication skills that I am trying very hard to work on. A lot of mistakes and misunderstandings has happened simply because I don't know how to communicate properly. And with that, I get accustomed to not speaking at all. Without speaking, I overthink. I succumb to the battlefield of my mind and it tears me up. Again, I've been told to not let my past overpower me but I can't! I can't cannot think about it! And to add fuel to that 10+ year old burning fire, my current troubles and responsibilities are now add ons. Finances, this battle with my husband, school, work. I just wanted a break. I feel trapped all the time. I try motivating myself, I really try to but I can't. I lose everytime I try. Offing myself always seemed like a better solution to me. It would be the only way to silence my mind and not have me hurt anymore.
I think you should see where it goes with your husband because he could be a really good support system. You need that dear. Don't push him away because you think that's best because what's best for you is support from loved ones since your mother failed you.
 

GoGetMyDamnBelt_

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I think you should see where it goes with your husband because he could be a really good support system. You need that dear. Don't push him away because you think that's best because what's best for you is support from loved ones since your mother failed you.

But he did his fair share of dirt as well. He's changed some but I can't help relapsing to the past. The ones you love the most are always the one who hurts you the most.
 

4North1Side2

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@4North1Side2 My God :mjcry:
I really wish you got out of there the moment it happened. Even if you forgave her for the first one, the second time in front of the kids? She would have to leave. That's intolerable! Are you guys still together ?


Yeah I know but I stuck with her for a number of reasons.


1. I truly love her and see her as my best friend.

2. I sacrificed way too much being with her, it has to work or it will drive me crazy having this relationship fail.

3.I always believed in her and I refuse to turn my back on her, all the lash outs was her way of expressing pain and cries of help.



Yes we are still together. My sons actually found that shyt funny majority of her time, they thought we were acting silly.


Things are Soooooooo much better than before. Its a normal relationship now. My biggest problem now is not taking it personal when she's not in the best of moods.


What helps me a lot when dealing with personal issues is speaking about openly like we are now and online journaling.

I'm really excited for your upcoming therapy session, fingers crossed that good things will come out of it.
 

GoGetMyDamnBelt_

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Yeah I know but I stuck with her for a number of reasons.


1. I truly love her and see her as my best friend.

2. I sacrificed way too much being with her, it has to work or it will drive me crazy having this relationship fail.

3.I always believed in her and I refuse to turn my back on her, all the lash outs was her way of expressing pain and cries of help.



Yes we are still together. My sons actually found that shyt funny majority of her time, they thought we were acting silly.


Things are Soooooooo much better than before. Its a normal relationship now. My biggest problem now is not taking it personal when she's not in the best of moods.


What helps me a lot when dealing with personal issues is speaking about openly like we are now and online journaling.

I'm really excited for your upcoming therapy session, fingers crossed that good things will come out of it.


In that case, I'm happy you came such a long way with her. You went thru some hell. And thank you, I hope it goes well too. Do your girlfriend still go to therapy?
 
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