A. Seales:I want to be with a brotha but a lot of you would rather be by yourselves. Why not commit?

[The ADD]

Most people suck at being desirable life partners and mainly because they've never done it before. This goes back to my point of people having an idea of how marriage should be without ever having experienced it for themselves. You can't believe in "happily ever after", while judging a person's worthwhile on who they are today. That's contradictory. With that said you shouldn't be looking to change anyone, but value those who want to change themselves. It's a cliche question, but the answer to "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" can tell you a lot about a person.

Ehhhhh, very dependent on life stages. At my age do I have much of a five year plan? Not really, but I also don't have a lot of wants. I had a house before, not really a goal now, marriage-if the situation is correct, kids-doubtful.

Point being that what the person asking the question on the other side wants to hear could color the response they hear negatively. That questions asked like a job interview question, ehhh. Much better for a running conversation.

I'm rambling..................

 

[panopticon]

Ya'll outchea takin the gloves off.

U do raise a point about marriage as an institute being attacked or denigrated in poor minority communities when it could serve as a legitimate way to pool resources, while the wealthy ALWAYS get married...I don't know how blks don't see how the elite are brainwashing them against it while reserving the privilege for themselves...


But u ain't have to go there
(Edit: Somebody was like "nikka I can't cut the PS4 in half and take it!!!" And I was so hurt.)

I don't think its a brainwashing campaign.

I think what's really happening here is that there are a large number of people - men and women - who don't see themselves as fit for marriage because they're unable to achieve the socioeconomic markers that have long been associated with being "marriageable." Things like having a down payment for a home saved up, a stable career with some semblance of an upward trajectory, health insurance, etc.

Material expectations have continued to increase with economic growth since the 70s - but the lack of any real class politics within the black community, or among Americans more broadly has meant that peoples' earning power hasn't kept up.

I'm convinced that if we fixed the economic situation, we'd see significant improvement in marriage rates (as well as most of the other major social indicators).

 

[intruder]

Ehhhhh, very dependent on life stages. At my age do I have much of a five year plan? Not really, but I also don't have a lot of wants. I had a house before, not really a goal now, marriage-if the situation is correct, kids-doubtful.

Point being that what the person asking the question on the other side wants to hear could color the response they hear negatively.

I'm rambling..................

I remember way back on sohh when you first bought the house. You sold it? You still live in the city?

 

[Chapter_BLK]

Another factor that you didn't touch on that is a reality...

nikkas be lying breh


I have close FRIENDS, who I know ain't shyt. Literally soaking up these attractive young black woman's youth selling them a dream, and playing into the wants that these women want. Stringing them along, because they are just selfish. I say selfish because it's like they want to be with these women at their convenience. I've seen dudes fight for their girl's back, only to go back to doing dirt and being shady. Just let her go and go find some other women to fukk, I never understand how people can just do those that obviously care for them wrong.

Some of these women have the right to be bitter as fukk. They invest years into relationships with men that act like they will marry them one day, knowing damn well that was never a part of their plan. Then she wakes up 5+ years later with the same guy that will "settle down one day". Now she's in her 30s, and wasted the latter end of her 20s for what?

I will say, women have to be better as well. Yal have to see the signs and just cut your losses sooner. Stop letting these dudes play you like this. They do it because they know you're weak and won't start a new relationship with someone else. Amanda described the dynamic to the fukking T

I do not disagree. Dead ass that thought did come to mind but I kept my post as short as I could. In cases like that, the only crime the girls committed is being too naive to recognize a dude's bullshyt or not being able to cut their losses and move on when it becomes clear they're wasting their time. I know a handful of people on both sides of the equation dealing with this shyt and it's sad to watch.

 

[The ADD]

I remember way back on sohh when you first bought the house. You sold it? You still live in the city?

Didn't we pass through the same housing showing around that time?

Sold it 4-5 years ago. Huge headache for relative to my career.

 

[Grand Eeezus Maxwell]

The mental gymnastics a bedwench will do to validate future swirling..

And that's all it is. I wish these bytches would just be honest, but they know expressing their swirl-thirst publicly will make them look like hypocrites.

"I-I-I really wanna be witta brotha, but......"

Nah, hoe, you don't wanna be with a brotha.

 

[panopticon]

Define hobbies b/c some dudes have uber unrealistic expectations and just want to date men that look like Draya, instead of dating chicks that would be compatible with them.
The male version of Tupac on a business suit seems to be Superhead/model in a Sunday School dress that also magically likes Naruto and has a zero body count.

Compatibility doesn't necessarily mean she will like everything you are into. I've known dudes COMPLETELY overlook tons of shyt women do and are interested in b/c she doesn't like shyt like Berserk and Fortnight.
Meanwhile chicks be legit on Pinterest putting together cute ass outfits under $20, into photography, drawing, creative writing, growing herbal teas, and that's not counting chicks who are legitimate nerds.

Sometimes I think both men and women try to squeeze compatibility into the people they are physically attracted to instead of finding somebody they are truly compatible with and building from there. Humans are so strange sometimes. But I love em all the same.

Never understood this. Why would any breh want their woman to be interested in exactly what they're interested in?

To me, the whole point of having hobbies is to give each person in the relationship time / space to themselves.

The compatibility issue with hobbies should really only encompass the cost / time commitment of the hobbies.

 

[intruder]

Didn't we pass through the same housing showing around that time?

Sold it 4-5 years ago. Huge headache for relative to my career.

Yeah, at the open house in (i think) East Atlanta/GennWood area. We passed each other in the hallway. You were coming out the bedroom and i was walking in and we basically bumped into each other at the bedroom door. We ran into each other again in the little dining-room/kitchen area. That's when i wondered if that was you
That house had nice renovations but still a bit too small for my taste at the time. Funny how i ended up buying another house within a mine radius from it.

What was the headache about it? The maintenance? Did you at least make a slight profit?

 

[The ADD]

Yeah, at the open house in (i think) East Atlanta/GennWood area. We passed each other in the hallway. You were coming out the bedroom and i was walking in and we basically bumped into each other at the bedroom door. We ran into each other again in the little dining-room/kitchen area. That's when i wondered if that was you
That house had nice renovations but still a bit too small for my taste at the time. Funny how i ended up buying another house within a mine radius from it.

What was the headache about it? The maintenance? Did you at least make a slight profit?

I'm gone for long periods of time 3-4 times a year and the goons were lurking. I made a little bit of change but that combined with he piece of mind was worth it.

 

[BezO]

Just saw her special. Not as bad as I anticipated. If her jokes weren't so woman-centric, it would've been much better. I laughed on the inside quite a bit. Any way...

It's a pivotal time:

Strong women's movement
Women not as focused on relationships themselves
Women who are focused on relationships will toss a man when his job is done to enjoy the single life
Men focusing more on women they can build with
Men observing these pivotal times
Marital/financial laws 70 years behind
Non-wealthy men scared of those financial risks
Social media killin' the fantasy & chase
Social media killin' the art of communication
Technology killin' the ability to recognize, attract & keep a suitable mate
Folks are at an all time low of attractiveness (obesity)

 

[intruder]

I'm gone for long periods of time 3-4 times a year and the goons were lurking. I made a little bit of change but that combined with he piece of mind was worth it.

I was lucky that i no longer traveled as much for work once i bought mine. I'm talking about when i'd be out of the country for months for work. ANyway those days are long gone. Either way i was in town when they broke into mine. Learned my lesson and fortified it by installing shatter-proof glass storm-doors. Have had peace on mind since.

Where was yours located if i may ask? Was it on the East-side of town?

 

[PhillyzFinest]

What in the fukkkkk

In her defense... slight defense... she had a baby in early December. So a month beforehand nothing happened... usually 4-6 weeks and get back to it, right?

Nope...

Goes to the doctor, says she's good to go... but then says her doctor said wait 8 weeks.

8 weeks go by.

Now she has this period.

We're in week 9 after birth and a month before that so, 3 months, one week.

I wouldn't be mad mad but if you're ALSO NOT WORKING NOT COOKING NOT CLEANING AND NOT LOOKING OUT that is a massive problem. And that's where we are.

Now I'm scrolling through 5s and 6s on Philly Tinder

 

[Artenche]

Yep. I think social media/OLD has had an extremely negative effect on dating & relationships. A lot of people have delusions about "partners" based on the illusions(because a lot of it is fake, and artificial) that they see on social media now. I don't even fukk with social media, outside of my job, because I was hip to what was going on, years ago. But I feel for younger women that want to look like these "fake" IG thots, and the men that have to deal with delusional women who have been overrated and overhyped based on photoshopped and filtered pics they took on IG that resulted in a ton of thirsty followers. You have people that are average looking, or that don't have a reason to "toot" their horn, believing that the way they look makes them special and men believing they are wifey material based off their looks alone. I wonder if we did a poll, on dating back in the 80's and 90's, versus dating from (2000-2018) if most people have found that their dating/relationships are more positive from more technology, or if it's become more complicated and harder to find a partner. I'd say it's the latter, but I don't know.

I also think realistically, there are other factors happening too which have been touched on(a lot of people are broke and don't have the ability to be a suitable partner, numbers aren't in BW's favor, IR dating and it's impact on BM/BW and less traditional families, i.e. single parenthood producing children that never saw a normal functioning relationship or marriage so don't value either.)

Social media is a smokescreen, nothing more.

 

[CarmelBarbie]

In her defense... slight defense... she had a baby in early December. So a month beforehand nothing happened... usually 4-6 weeks and get back to it, right?

Nope...

Goes to the doctor, says she's good to go... but then says her doctor said wait 8 weeks.

8 weeks go by.

Now she has this period.

We're in week 9 after birth and a month before that so, 3 months, one week.

I wouldn't be mad mad but if you're ALSO NOT WORKING NOT COOKING NOT CLEANING AND NOT LOOKING OUT that is a massive problem. And that's where we are.

Now I'm scrolling through 5s and 6s on Philly Tinder

Does she have postpartum? The hormones tend to change drastically after you have a baby, it takes a little while for them to readjust. I mean have you talked to her about it?

 

[CarmelBarbie]

I don't think its a brainwashing campaign.

I think what's really happening here is that there are a large number of people - men and women - who don't see themselves as fit for marriage because they're unable to achieve the socioeconomic markers that have long been associated with being "marriageable." Things like having a down payment for a home saved up, a stable career with some semblance of an upward trajectory, health insurance, etc.

Material expectations have continued to increase with economic growth since the 70s - but the lack of any real class politics within the black community, or among Americans more broadly has meant that peoples' earning power hasn't kept up.

I'm convinced that if we fixed the economic situation, we'd see significant improvement in marriage rates (as well as most of the other major social indicators).

This is very true. I've also observed just at my son's school(which is in a upper middle class area) that a vast majority of "stable" married black couples tend to be older. I observed this not just out where I'm living now, but in other places I've lived too. In other words, it seems like a lot of black men and women that are in the financial position to marry, don't get to that point until their thirties, which means many of them are getting married and having kids in their thirties as opposed to their white counterparts. This isn't the standard for every black married couple that has "means" but it's definitely something I've observed--I almost feel weird, because while a lot of the white women are around my age(at school functions), the black women tend to be older than me with younger children, which indicates a later start for us, as opposed to whites who seem to meet these markers a little earlier and in much greater numbers.

What that indicates to me is that a lot of us do want to get married, but it takes a little longer to get there, when we're trying to be "stable" first before making that leap. I do think that if we changed the economical situation so that more people were able to meet these markers(especially BM and BW) we would see a greater number of BM and BW marrying, but as it stands now, the ones that are in the position to do so, do get married, just later on. The ones that aren't in the position, and likely won't, either don't get married at all, or get married but struggle.