Nah I'm not on child support, I send money to my oldest girls' mom every month. I'm gonna do the same with this one, if child support comes I'll deal with it but I spend for my children as is...
Long post incoming:
I have come to terms that I'm a dysfunctional partner, there's something toxic about me that attracts toxic, dysfunctional women. And I've put a whole lot of thought into this the last two days particularly, trying to figure out what it is...
So far what I've come up with is I'm quick to argue. Someone told me a few days ago, that you don't always have to say what you're thinking or feel, and they're right. I have a bad habit of saying whats on my mind without regard to circumstance or timing, which can incite conflict...
The other part is the women I've been attached to are instigators who love to argue and pick, and I think they realize that weakness within me. Not to say I've never avoided confrontations before, because I absolutely have, but I struggle with diffusing arguments if one is started with me, and I struggle with keeping my opinions to myself when they aren't required...
So now that I've identified that and accepted it as a hard truth, the next step is figuring out how to change that within myself. And I'm open to all kinds of suggestions because as of now, I dont know how to change that. I've just now acknowledged its a flaw and weakness I have, I've been doing it my whole life and this takes me back to my earlier point that my relationship with women is reflective of my relationship with my mothers...
I grew up being physically beat and verbally shytted on by my stepmother. No one to protect me, my bio mom was so in and out of the picture. When I saw her or talked to her, it was good, but as I got older I heard from her less and less, until I got out of prison when I was 20. I did 3.5 years on that bid, my bio knew where I was, and I never got a letter or heard from her....
So I spent more time with my stepmother growing up, thats how I got to the East Coast, but home was awful for me. When I did talk to my bio mom, she once told me she should have smothered me at birth. Both of my mothers were extremely volatile and hostile, my bio mom never put her hands on me but she definitely flipped on me verbally...
As an adult when I started dating, I didn't realize literally until maybe three years ago, that I have certain triggers with women that tie back to those relationships. I just didn't realize it for the longest, man. And there's a saying that men date their mothers, and I've found for the most part thats been true for me abd I hate it...
A woman raising her voice over simple things is something I grew up with and its a trigger, yet I've attracted women who do this. Women who clap and throw shyt, that was my mothers. Women who put their hands on me, thats a trigger but I've attracted women who do that, and just to clarify one thing: as an adult, I've had a monogamous dating relationship with five women if you count this one, four if you don't. Three of these women had violent streaks and two of them I responded back inappropriately. What I'm not doing is excusing my responses because there was always a better option, but one of those relationships was a decade ago, two violent altercations in a 10-month relationship, and with my girls mom, three violent altercations in a 4.5 year relationship. And the one girl I dated over a decade ago, I never responded to her hitting or slapping me; the two I did give a reaction to, there were instances with both of them, where they've hit me and I didn't do anything back...
In both of those situations, or I guess I should say the five violent occurrences I did react to, I never put my hands on them first. There are women in relationships being beat on everyday, there are men that whip on their partners for not having dinner ready and simple shyt like that, there are men who damn near kill the women they are with, etc. I have never been in a situation where I'm just shytting on the women I'm with, I dont go around hitting them, none of that. I've recognized a very real issue that I have in regards to understanding my breaking point, because in those five occasions I did NOT recognize I was at a breaking point, but the issue isn't that I'm a woman beater. I dont go around beating on women...
The levels of dysfunction.
