On Job - K. Crady
The most fascinating thing to me about the Book of Job is how blatantly revealing it is. "Satan" [1] gets in line with the other angels, [2] and he and God have a chat.
Paraphrase:
God: So, Satan, what brings you here?
Satan: Nothing much, just been cruising around on the Earth.
God: Yeah? Did you check out my servant Job? He, like, totally obeys me and everything! He even does tricks!
Satan: Meh. He's a mercenary. He only obeys you and praises you all the time 'cause you take such good care of him and put your shield of protection around his house. Why, I bet you 10,000 Quatloons that if you started being a ruthless, cold-hearted, unfair, capricious and just plain sadistic asshat, why, he'd tell you to eat slimy cow-poodoo and die!
God: You're on! Go ahead and cream his family and everything he owns. Just don't kill him though. Dead people can't give me any burnt offerings, and I just love those.
/Paraphrase
Now, the interesting thing about this is that Satan isn't tempting Job--he's tempting God, and God goes for it like a drunken sailor in a whorehouse. What happened to all that stuff about "how righteous are Thy judgements, O Lord"? If God was concerned with justice in the slightest (much less Perfectly Good In All He Does), the outcome would have been entirely different:
Satan: Meh. He's a mercenary. He only obeys you and praises you all the time 'cause you take such good care of him. Why, I bet you 10,000 Quatloons that if you started being a ruthless, cold-hearted, unfair, capricious and just plain sadistic asshat, why, he'd tell you to eat slimy cow-poodoo and die!
God: You're damn right! He serves me well, and I protect and reward him, as I promised in my Word. He praises me because I take such good care of him, and rightly so. For I am a good God, righteous and just, and he has put his trust in me! Far be it from me to betray him just to see if he'll still worship me when I don't deserve it!
If I did as you suggest, he should tell me to eat slimy cow poodoo and die! Get behind me, Satan!
What Satan is baiting God with is the prospect of receiving unearned worship and adulation. You see, if God is good, and people worship him for being good, then his ego-strokes only come because he's living up to his end of the bargain. But Satan tempted God with the chance to receive Job's adulation and praise regardless of his actions. God wanted to be able to throw all morality to the winds and be literally demonic in the cruelty of his deeds, and still be worshiipped as the 'perfect, just God'. He doesn't merely want unearned praise--he wants his worshippers to be so mindless, so utterly servile they will praise him to the skies even as he tortures them. Or, as Job put it, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him."
The Book of Job makes it plainly, indisputably, blatantly clear that God cannot be trusted as a Protector, and that he has no ethics at all. But wait, maybe God, in his vastly superior Divine Wisdom (tm) knows something we don't and all of this will somehow turn out to be consistent with the idea of a Loving, Perfectly Moral God. Toward the end of the book, Job finally gets to talk to God, and ask, "WTF?!?!?!"
At last, Job falls silent, and we wait for the Almighty to speak. Here is God's chance to astound us all with some nugget of vastly profound insight that will answer the question 'why do good people suffer' in a way that will dazzle us with the greatness and majesty of the Divine! Well, OK, maybe at least we'll get the Stock Answer that always soothes the heart of the believer: "God works in mysterious ways."
Nope. Not even that. Instead, God goes on and on in a hugely bombastic "I am the Mighty Oz!" routine. Justice? Wisdom? Divine knowledge beyond the ken of mere mortal man? Nope. Just plain old brute force.
God: "I can do whatever the hell I want to you, because I'm bigger, stronger, and infinitely meaner than you will EVER be! Now take your PS2 and shut up."
Job: "Right...shutting up! Zzzzzip! Nothing to say here!"
And behold, Job's (2.0) daughters were the most beautiful in all the land! Bet he got alot for 'em on Ebay. Happy endinig? Yeah, right! The poor guy must have spent the rest of his life having nightmares and waiting for the other nuke to drop. Sorta like Isaac after that little hike to the altar with dear ol' dad.
Wow, I'm glad we have God...without him, why, we'd have no morality at all!
NOTES:
1. In Hebrew it's "ha-satan," meaning "the adversary" or "the accuser," a title--not a name--for a prosecuting attorney; Satan is to God as Torquemada is to the Pope.
2. Satan is not a mortal enemy of God here--can you imagine Osama bin Laden joining a tour of the White House and having President Bush pull him aside for a friendly game of Texas Hold-Em?