I think about that saying "ignorance is bliss" alot. Seems like when u come into the knowledge of reality, its hard to remain happy and optimistic. I dont smoke or drink nor have the desire to but it seems like becoming becoming "conscious" brings about that dark cloud OP referred to.
I have a 3 year old daughter and sometimes i get legit sad when i look at her laughing and playing. She's innocent and pure right now. She's unaware of the evils of the world. She's unaware of racism. She doesnt see color. My views of the world has completely changed since she was born. I have a very pessimistic view of society now and sometimes i regret bringing somebody whom i love so dearly into this world.
Certain people are just wired differently mentally. Being "aware" is a gift and a curse i guess. You have a brilliant mind OP, dont think nobody notices. I certainly do.
Get help if that's what you feel you need to do. We need more brothers like you spreading knowledge