Anyone Seen this 'Why Your Team Sucks' Piece at Deadspin?

[Taadow]

Remember: Titans fans are just off-duty SEC fans. These are the people who spend every Saturday watching UT lose and then root for Alabama in the national title game at the end of the season as a way of mooching off a bit of their glory. Watching the Titans is just a filler activity for them. Well, Lurlene done kicked me out of the camper agin. Giss aw'll go watch them Titans over at Earl's camper! SEC SEC SEC!!!

This was mean.

and true.

 

[AVXL]

The Atlanta ones weren't funny

 

[Taadow]

When it comes to writing up these previews, I always make sure to save the most popular, most interesting teams for the end of the preseason. This is why the Jags get to go first. They should have been the London Rippers by now. Instead, until at least 2030, they will remain one of the NFL's filler teams. Without revenue sharing, this franchise would be worth $3, and that's being generous. They have no quarterback; they have no pass rush; their best player (Justin Blackmon) is already under suspension; and worst of all, they have no reason for being. Interest in the Jaguars is wholly subsidized by the existence of fantasy football. They're like corn, only corn is occasionally useful.

Frankly, they should have a player kill someone. Why let the Patriots hog all the murderous players when you could draft them all yourself and make a real BRAND out of it? Then you could have Jason Whitlock be like, "Those Jags are nothing but common thugs!" and then your team would be worth paying attention to. Then you'd have some MOXIE, by God! Anyway, they're doomed. Remember, this is a team that's considering putting the Red Zone Channel on their video board to get people to come to the stadium. They might as well show a white flag rippling in the wind for three straight hours instead.

Sweet Jesus...the vulgarity...

 

[Trip]

Archie Manning is by FAR the least likeable Manning. I wouldnt be surprised if he still dresses Eli in the morning.

 

[tru_m.a.c]

Nah I'll keep pinning that on Az-Zhair Hakim's fumbling ass

Hakim was a beast on them video games though!

 

[Taadow]

Hakim was a beast on them video games though!

You ain't een lyin' doe...in that era, my cousin used to be the Rams all the time. Az Hakim used to DUST me on dem kick returns...

 

[dennis roadman]

drew magary sucks at writing except for this series

FUN FACT: No New Orleans resident has taken a shower since 1985. You people are worse than rednecks because you think having a bunch of overcrowded, sweaty jazz clubs and a signature fried shrimp hoagie makes you immune from being labeled rednecks. Not true. You are rednecks with an inexplicable superiority complex. New Orleans is the birthplace of so many awful things: goth culture, actors trying to get extra "realness" cred, Dan Aykroyd's music career, writers who co-opt the city's poorest residents for their own moral grandstanding, an economy based solely on tit beads, and natives who earn a living off of tourism but make every effort to let tourists know they don't "get" their shythole of a town and never will. GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO BOURBON STREET AIN'T THE REAL N'AWLINS GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO. I hope the Saints' Super Bowl win is eventually vacated.

 

[SubZeroDegrees]

The New Orleans ones weren't funny

 

[SubZeroDegrees]

Receivers fault not recognizing a Brees overthrown.

 

[PortCityProphet]

You 1930s movie villain-looking motherfukker. I bet Blank spends his free time tying damsels to railroad tracks.

im mad i didnt think of this 1st

 

[yseJ]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-s...source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow



Powerful stuff. This ones on the Saints chances this season.

that shyt is so true tho. brees had some favre-ish picks last year but no one EVER blamed him
theyre like its ok man you are ASKED to do SO much

 

[PTBG]

Your quarterback: Strong-armed Frankengoober Andrew Luck. Luck threw 18 interceptions last season (third in the league behind Drew Brees and [SPOILER ALERT] Tony Romo), completed less than 55 percent of his passes, and had a passer rating of 76.5. Oh but somehow, this glorified Jake Locker is the most promising quarterback out of the Gang of Four? RG3, Russell Wilson, and Colin Kaepernick all completed more than 60 percent of their passes last season, and all of them had a passer rating above 98. (NOTE: Passer rating is an arbitrary and useless stat UNLESS used for trolling purposes!) Of course, it's the WHITE quarterback who gets praised for being the most "pro-ready" and having extra clutchitude. THAT IS RAYYYYCESS! Did you know Andrew Luck REALLY wants to be an architect? This young man has a good head on his shoulders!

The Colts went from a season ticket waiting list in 2011 to hiring a company to sell season tickets in one freaking year. How does that happen? But the absolute worst thing and what really sent me over edge last year, people were showing up to games last year in Peyton Manning BRONCOS JERSEYS! Nothing says "Football didn't exist in Indy until 1998" like a fukking orange Manning Jersey.

1. They tanked the 2011 season on purpose. No backup plan for a potential Manning injury? Oh I know, let's pretend Curtis Painter is a serviceable professional quarterback and give him the ball every Sund... OH HI KERRY COLLINS! HERE'S A HANDLE OF WHISKEY AND THE COLTS OFFENSE!

2. Fetushead was a raging a$$hole; video of his many run-ins with longtime center Jeff Saturday is proof. He couldn't possibly bear to give up even the smallest amount of control he lorded over the team, GM, or fans as possible. Those videos are not "great examples of a solid competitor," they're the sign of a spoiled rotten kid who couldn't take no for an answer. I was glad to watch him choke (again) in the playoffs; now Broncos fans know the feeling of watching year after year of incredible teams fall far short of a championship.

3. Our fans have to be the dumbest on the planet. Half of them renounced the organization when Manning was released and immediately purchased Broncos jerseys. Ask any of them a question about football and 93% of the time the response will be PASS IT PEYTON! PASS IT!

4. They succeeded in making Bruce Arians look like head coach material and now he's going to fail in Arizona. I'm actually OK with this; with Arians out as the OC, Luck's career longevity jumped by 25%.

You know what will happen in October when Peyton comes to town? Half the stadium will show up and cheer for Peyton. They'll bust the old 18 Jerseys and long for the good old days and curse Irsay for ever letting him go. They will literally cheer for the Broncos on Sunday Night Football in their own stadium. fukk those fans and fukk that stupid circle in the center of the city.

Panthers:

There are two players considered to be the "Greatest Panthers." One is a linebacker who played most of his career in New Orleans, the other is a goddamn kicker who fukked up a kickoff in the Super Bowl.

Speaking of Cam Newton: He's a fantastic quarterback! I'm glad he's on my favorite team! However, if he celebrates too much, the fans say "He needs to be a leader and be calm and act like he's been there before." If he's on the sidelines with a towel on his head, those same fans say "He needs to be a leader and get fired up! Show some emotion!"

At some point, Cam Newton is going to get a white girlfriend and the state of North Carolina is going to devolve into a Margaret Atwood-style dystopian wasteland.

Finally the team has a good quarterback and the state of NC hates him because "he celebrates too much", code for "too black"
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[obarth]

These can be really funny or just plain reaches. Looking forward to see him shyt on my team, though

 

[Ice Cold]

Dang that Naw'lins one hard to argue

 

[Ohene]

Aaron Brooks should get more love than he does, He manned squads that went toe to toe with the GSOT Rams...and won.

realest post i seen in a minute. nmever understood why he never gets respect