Coparenting in a different state from where your kids live...

[murksiderock]

All I'm gonna say is this @murksiderock father to father(I have custody of my son now I'm a full time dad), if the job opportunity you are leaving your kids for isn't like some TRULY life changing shyt(talking like 6 figures plus increase in pay from what you are already making) it ain't worth it to leave your kids.

I think I agree with this and deep down I knew this already. And no, the increase in pay to relocate to Denver isn't a six figure increase. It's more like a $16-20k increase, which as I mentioned I've been looking for other jobs, is proving difficult to attain in Raleigh (though I don't think its unattainable there, its just been a difficult job search)...

I'm coming back around to getting a summer schedule locked down, and going somewhere in the summer, Raleigh in the school year...

This is the last comment I’ll make because my position won’t change on this.

It’s quite simple. One thing that is certain for sure is your children don’t get another childhood. Money comes and goes. Opportunities come and go. There’s no lifetime where I choose a job opportunity or money over being there during my son’s childhood.

You got mothers and fathers everyday trying to make up for lost time.

Whatever decision OP makes I hope he will be ok with the consequences.

I don't think its as black and white as you believe it to be, but I do agree with you mostly. And no I don't think I can live with the consequences, at their current ages...

Focus on actually being around your kids breh…

fukk the money or living comfortable.

They only have one childhood

You're right and as with others, I appreciate your response!

 

[⠀X ⠀]

Which state would you move to? And how much more would you make?

 

[DonRe]

Respectfully, it sounds like to me you looking for justification to bounce and do what you wanna do.

Me personally. Being a father. Ain’t no way imma be in another state not seeing my son for weeks at a time. I coparent. I wanna move but not until my son is old enough (15 years old and up). Basically it boils down to what’s your priorities. Money/moving to a “fun” city. Or being an ACTIVE father. It takes more than money to raise a child. And active to me don’t mean FaceTime, phone call, sliding through once a month, etc,. You get the picture.

Whatever decision you make there’s a price to pay. I hope you make one you won’t regret brother.

Great post. My sentiment exactly

These years are pivotal. They need you around. Tough it out.

 

[LDC]

I think I agree with this and deep down I knew this already. And no, the increase in pay to relocate to Denver isn't a six figure increase. It's more like a $16-20k increase, which as I mentioned I've been looking for other jobs, is proving difficult to attain in Raleigh (though I don't think its unattainable there, its just been a difficult job search)...

I'm coming back around to getting a summer schedule locked down, and going somewhere in the summer, Raleigh in the school year...

I don't think its as black and white as you believe it to be, but I do agree with you mostly. And no I don't think I can live with the consequences, at their current ages...

You're right and as with others, I appreciate your response!

Would that $16-20k increase not be close to a wash anyway since Denver has a higher COL than Raleigh?

 

[Dallas' 4 Eva]

I do gotta ask though, for you why would you be okay with Texarkana or KC, but not LA?

Because LA to Dallas would be 1500 miles, whereas Texarkana Texas to Texarkana Arkansas is only a few miles...

I think I agree with this and deep down I knew this already. And no, the increase in pay to relocate to Denver isn't a six figure increase. It's more like a $16-20k increase, which as I mentioned I've been looking for other jobs, is proving difficult to attain in Raleigh (though I don't think its unattainable there, its just been a difficult job search)...

I'm coming back around to getting a summer schedule locked down, and going somewhere in the summer, Raleigh in the school year...

Real talk, why are you doing this to your girls? You are considering leaving for $16 to 20k a year more, and uprooting their lives in the summer taking them away from their friends, their sports leagues, clubs, extended family members etc etc. all for the equivalent of $4 to $5 more an hour? This decision you are even thinking about shouldn't even be one bro, this reeks of selfishness to me. You made the decision to have children in North Carolina, you made the decision to not be with their mothers, you aren't a 50/50 dad you are a part time father. Even before I had majority custody, I was still 50/50(more than that honestly). You are about to bring chaos and disorder into your daughters lives for money you could just get a part time job or do Uber a few hours after work or on your weekends not being a dad for and it's just a terrible decision to be making.

 

[Double Burger With Cheese]

It’s not even a fukking question. You level up so you can be a better provider and provide a better life for your kids. Coli nikkas love being broke as fukk and of course they gonna tell you to choose the broke boy option. Gonna fukk around and be on here asking for donations like these other posters. nikka if you don’t go get your money, and send for your kids when you can.

 

[Dallas' 4 Eva]

It’s not even a fukking question. You level up so you can be a better provider and provide a better life for your kids. Coli nikkas love being broke as fukk and of course they gonna tell you to choose the broke boy option. Gonna fukk around and be on here asking for donations like these other posters. nikka if you don’t go get your money, and send for your kids when you can.

$16 to $20k a year with a higher cost of living isn't gonna make him a better provider it will make him a worse one. If he was leaving for $75k to $100k plus a year more that would be different and I'd agree with you it would be a little easier to justify. The difference in rent alone will eat up that $16k. If this man wants to make more money he needs to Uber or get a part time job or a different career, not move across the country. The juice ain't worth the squeeze on this one.

 

[xXMASHERXx]

OP did you consider how your kids might feel with you leaving? They may feel like you didn't love them enough to stay close to them and that might cause damage that can never be repaired.

 

[True Blue Moon]

No way in hell my kids not gonna be under the same roof as me.. got me all the way fukked up

I was going to say the same thing. I have no clue how brehs do these out of household, out of city/state co-parenting arrangements. I watch a lot of Zoom court and brehs spending thousands on legal help in the hopes of getting a measly two weekends a month like it’s the Army reserve

I got one rule. Me and my kids sleep under the same roof

 

[True Blue Moon]

Because LA to Dallas would be 1500 miles, whereas Texarkana Texas to Texarkana Arkansas is only a few miles...



Real talk, why are you doing this to your girls? You are considering leaving for $16 to 20k a year more, and uprooting their lives in the summer taking them away from their friends, their sports leagues, clubs, extended family members etc etc. all for the equivalent of $4 to $5 more an hour? This decision you are even thinking about shouldn't even be one bro, this reeks of selfishness to me. You made the decision to have children in North Carolina, you made the decision to not be with their mothers, you aren't a 50/50 dad you are a part time father. Even before I had majority custody, I was still 50/50(more than that honestly). You are about to bring chaos and disorder into your daughters lives for money you could just get a part time job or do Uber a few hours after work or on your weekends not being a dad for and it's just a terrible decision to be making.

Speak on the 50/50 part breh. Because OP said that he’s left to the whims of the mother and no other option. I was under the impression too that once the chick has the kid the courts give you the middle finger and you take what you can get. However, I’ve become a court junkie watching cases online and see a lot of dudes hire lawyers and get joint custody arrangements.

So was your child’s mother just cooperative and y’all worked it out, or did you have to go the legal route?

Because there’s no way I’d be content with 60-80 days a year or whatever. At that point it feels more like you’re visiting your little buddy rather than parenting and wielding any sort of fatherly influence on them.

 

[The God Poster]

Not going at you specifically @murksiderock but these are the tough decisions when you have multiple kids by different women.

It would be much easier for one women. Even if y’all weren’t together to convince her to also move(especially if she ain’t making bank)

Fact is depending on the distance you move you’re going to be a “summer parent”. At that young of an age kids typically need to see you for certain things. If they were teenagers where they could comprehend certain convos with you it would be different

 

[murksiderock]

Would that $16-20k increase not be close to a wash anyway since Denver has a higher COL than Raleigh?

Nah it wouldn't be a wash, I'm a renter and rent in Denver is only slightly more than rent in Raleigh. Only expense really more in Denver is groceries, I'd still come out with a significant increase in expendable cash in Denver...

Because LA to Dallas would be 1500 miles, whereas Texarkana Texas to Texarkana Arkansas is only a few miles...



Real talk, why are you doing this to your girls? You are considering leaving for $16 to 20k a year more, and uprooting their lives in the summer taking them away from their friends, their sports leagues, clubs, extended family members etc etc. all for the equivalent of $4 to $5 more an hour? This decision you are even thinking about shouldn't even be one bro, this reeks of selfishness to me. You made the decision to have children in North Carolina, you made the decision to not be with their mothers, you aren't a 50/50 dad you are a part time father. Even before I had majority custody, I was still 50/50(more than that honestly). You are about to bring chaos and disorder into your daughters lives for money you could just get a part time job or do Uber a few hours after work or on your weekends not being a dad for and it's just a terrible decision to be making.

This is harsh calling me a part time dad I haven't done anything to my girls so I don't know if this response was really warranted...

If 50/50 entails 50% of everything its kinda hard to come to that balance without the mother(s) consenting to a bunch of things and you should understand that if you've been thru a separation with your kids' mother...

I'm a father all the time, its not my choice my kids don't live with me...

I vehemently disagree that me going somewhere I can make more money brings chaos and disorder to their lives---->but I agree that may not be the best decision to make...

If I leave in the summers, where is the disruption to their lives? They'd be with me, we have already reached an understanding that somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks of summer will come to me, just haven't narrowed a time yet bevause per her request, she wants a school year schedule to be set first. Summer is already essentially agreed upon, and if my kids are with me in the summer, plus I'm in Raleigh for the school year, what really changes other than the kids spent, up to 2 months max, away from their mom?

They'd be with me, is the constant in any scenario...

Also if I leave, for Denver more so than Sacramento, that $16-20k more is the initial increase, with this same job I have the potential of climbing more there, and lets say I got a new job, wages in Denver are more than in Raleigh and Sacramento, so I have the potential to make more long term regardless. Nothing is a given, and its why I haven't punted on finding a new job in Raleigh, but in the total consideration of this stuff, it has to be considered that not only would I instantly make more in Denver, my long term earnings potential is greater...

In an ideal world I'd have all three of my daughters with me full time and I'd live wherever I want. Because I live in reality and not an ideal situation, I've stayed in North Carolina, when I could have left to Sac in 2016 like I planned to, before she told me she was pregnant with my oldest daughter. So calling me a part time dad or insinuating I'm disrupting or bringing chaos to my kids' lives is inaccurate, because of my kids I've stayed on the East Coast...

It’s not even a fukking question. You level up so you can be a better provider and provide a better life for your kids. Coli nikkas love being broke as fukk and of course they gonna tell you to choose the broke boy option. Gonna fukk around and be on here asking for donations like these other posters. nikka if you don’t go get your money, and send for your kids when you can.

in no situation would you ever see or hear of me asking another person for some money, I know too much about myself and what I'm capable of to go out like that

But I agree with your overall sentiment, and its why I mentioned my two homies earlier, who live in different states from (most of) their kids. Because there is value in considering what I'm able to provide for them financially, thats all part of this thought process for me...

I do fine now, I could do better financially elsewhere, and potentially even better beyond that. The total weight of not being in state with my kids is a heavy thing though, and its why leaving for the summers, when I can still run up a little more and have them with me, is appealing and a solid compromise...

 

[Dallas' 4 Eva]

Speak on the 50/50 part breh. Because OP said that he’s left to the whims of the mother and no other option. I was under the impression too that once the chick has the kid the courts give you the middle finger and you take what you can get. However, I’ve become a court junkie watching cases online and see a lot of dudes hire lawyers and get joint custody arrangements.

So was your child’s mother just cooperative and y’all worked it out, or did you have to go the legal route?

Because there’s no way I’d be content with 60-80 days a year or whatever. At that point it feels more like you’re visiting your little buddy rather than parenting and wielding any sort of fatherly influence on them.

My ex wife is a bytch and hates my guts she didn't cooperate at all. She was fighting me tooth and nail on everything. I had to go the legal route and put her into a situation set up to where she would either give my son up or fall in line with what I want. You can work the court system in your favor if you can keep your cool and not fukk yourself over. Most men just don't actually play the system the right way.

 

[1LurkerChick9]

Based on this and comments in other threads, you're just trying to run away from your responsibilities. Be honest with yourself.

You should be staying put to watch what happens with your child's mother with cancer. She's going through a lot. You should be figuring out how to be there for your daughter.

Grow up Breh and handle your responsibilities.

 

[murksiderock]

Speak on the 50/50 part breh. Because OP said that he’s left to the whims of the mother and no other option. I was under the impression too that once the chick has the kid the courts give you the middle finger and you take what you can get. However, I’ve become a court junkie watching cases online and see a lot of dudes hire lawyers and get joint custody arrangements.

So was your child’s mother just cooperative and y’all worked it out, or did you have to go the legal route?

Because there’s no way I’d be content with 60-80 days a year or whatever. At that point it feels more like you’re visiting your little buddy rather than parenting and wielding any sort of fatherly influence on them.

Starting with your last paragraph, I don't feel like I'm just visiting my kids, but I also don't feel like I get my kids enough. I definitely feel my influence in parenting all over them, and this includes my daughter who lives an hour away...

Being outside the home from my girls was more of an emotional challenge when I broke up with my oldest daughters' mom. After awhile, you just stop moping about it, and learn to adapt to the new lifestyle...

I would say the courts are overwhelmingly on the mother's side, but there are concessions you can get in your favor. For myself, I filed to place myself on child support, she woulda never done that because she never had a reason to, O always gave her money post-breakup, and ultimately the ruling at court was about where I wanted it...

I made this filing for a custody order, the current arrangement between my kids' mothers and I, isn't court-ordered. I filed based upon years of one or the other, playing with my time with them, when they felt like it...

My youngest daughter's mom and I have an exponentially better relationship, than my oldest kids' mom and I, but in truth both relationships improve with each passing year. But I am at the mercy of their consent, the oldest kids' mom isn't the "you can get your kids whenever you want" type; the youngest's mom is closer to that type than not, but she lives an hour out...

Not going at you specifically @murksiderock but these are the tough decisions when you have multiple kids by different women.

It would be much easier for one women. Even if y’all weren’t together to convince her to also move(especially if she ain’t making bank)

Fact is depending on the distance you move you’re going to be a “summer parent”. At that young of an age kids typically need to see you for certain things. If they were teenagers where they could comprehend certain convos with you it would be different

For sure and to this point, I'm not willing to be just the summer parent, so my decision is swaying back to, Raleigh in school year, where my kids are and I can be engaged and involved in their lives daily and weekly, and Sac or Denver in the summer, where they spend it with me...