His father realized that his son needed to be with him full time
I don't even understand what you're saying. I've realized that my oldest daughters need more time with me in their lives but their mother has fought me on it, so what's the difference between my realization and Dilla's father's realization, other than at 14, his mother allowed him to go live with his father?
You keep making this personal as if we’re talking about some rare preference or whim based solely on personal experience. We’re human organisms.
Taking you out of it, it’s just an objective reality that the more time and physical presence a mother or father has with a kid, the more they are able to affect change on that kid. And that’s without bringing up scientific studies, census, and other data.
You’re talking about what’s “possible” when what me and others are saying in this thread is that’s it’s sub-optimal.
Putting you back in it for a second, you said that you realistically see your kids about 60 days out of the year. How is that not sub-optimal compared to the man who sees his 365 and lives with them? Or the man who has 50/50 and sees his kid 182 days. I get that that’s not your situation due to factors, but the outcome remains despite your good intentions.
That’s ANY relationship. If you were in love with a woman, would you be cool just seeing her 60 days or would you want to get closer and see her as much as possible? You already admitted that having a girlfriend in Denver is a “shadow factor” in your decision to move.
And let’s flip it. If you had full custody of a daughter from her birth and have her 305 days while her mom gets her 60 days out of the year, would you feel comfortable enough that she’s learning all she needs to become a woman? Even with the teenage years coming ASAP?
So when brehs are in here in different ways and different perspectives saying that your kids need all the time they can get with you, and a move could jeopardize that, it’s not personal. That applies whether we’re talking about you or some white dude in Wyoming.
To keep it a stack, brehs are really doing you a solid and trying to save your life
Don’t get so caught up defending your specific situation that you miss it.
And as far as the bolded, my brother that was your decision x3. You said you got three kids by two different women and didn’t sign the birth certificate. Again, objectively speaking, you created a whole hell of a lot of work and variables for yourself to deal with.
You keep saying the married brehs don’t understand. The fact is we DO understand, which is why we GMB to try our best to avoid this type of ordeal and chose to exercise a mating strategy. Just like I understand that car crashes can be fatal so I don’t drive 130 mph.
No hate or judgment at all, but stop saying married brehs don’t get it as if it’s something like height that is good fortune that we were born with, rather than a conscious decision that was made.
I do understand what this brother is saying, but gotta point out a few things:
I'm not contesting that more time with my children creates an even greater affect on their lives. I don't know how familiar you are with my post history, but to catch up on what I've brought into the thread, I've lobbied for more time with my children for years...
The positive news is that, the relationships with both mothers continues to improve year over year, but the history here is that they've fought me on more time with the girls, particularly my oldests' mother, in part motivated by, child support (that I put myself on) gets slashed if I get joint custody. And also her fighting me on it, is motivated by other factors...
The only thing I said the married men in here seem naive about, is that if your marriage ends, you get your way on the terms of coparenting. I think its
easier for married men to get the terms they seek compared to men who weren't married; I don't necessarily think its
easy. In North Carolina, unless that woman volunteers for joint custody, you have to otherwise prove she is unfit to be the custodial parent, because custodial duties default to her...
That's the only thing I said brothers here seem to not really understand...
To your post specifically though, you made a comment earlier that it doesn't seem possible to be an engaged father with an effective presence on your kids in my current reality, and I was saying the only reason you must think that's difficult, is because you haven't seen it with your own eyes. I know I've given alot of information within this thread, so it all bleeds together, but besides seeing my girls on weekends, there are times I've gotten them on weekdays; there have been extended weekends they've stayed with me (like until Mondays, instead of Sunday); I was in the home with my two oldest until they were 37 and 17 months old, and in the home with my youngest until she was 15 months old; and after separating from their mothers, I've always had a physical presence in their lives...
When I was with my youngest daughter's mom, I lived an hour away from my two oldest, but still got them on weekends. Obviously before that, I was with the mother of my two oldest. My point is of you add up the sum of this info, given the fact I've ALWAYS been with or around my kids, it really hasn't been difficult to maintain the presence and influence on them...
It felt more daunting when both women began new relationships and did the, "new man gets to spend excess time with the kids" thing. Both those situations worked out the way they were supposed to, and aside from those its never felt difficult impressing myself as a father on my children...
So I don't know why a man would think it's difficult to maintain a parental presence, and only feel like a "visitor", other than, that man hasn't experienced this situation or seen a man in that situation, make it work...
I do appreciate your replies but I don't need a lecture on what is optimal and what isn't. The reality is that what is optimal isn't entirely in my control, now you can say I created the circumstances possible for not having full control, but okay? Even if you feel that way, after that, you turn the page and deal with what's in front of you, I don't have a rewind button to redo life, and I'll make an educated guess and say you don't either. So dealing with life as it actually is, instead of what it could have been in a different reality. I understand what is optimal, and what isn't, it benefits me none to mope around looking in the rear view mirror...
The last thing I'll say, is the reason I asked in my initial post, for people who have been in this situation, is because I wouldn't have to deal with the virtue signaling and WRONG assumptions in this thread. Pointing out yhe flaws in your commentary again:
•my oldest daughter was born 2/28/17, I was there, and signed the birth certificate. When we got the birth certificate in the mail a couple months later, I wasn't on it. We called the hospital, they said it must have been some mix up with the person we signed it with, but they couldn't correct it, we needed to go thru the state to fix it.
There was no urgency to get it done back then, because we didn't think we wouldn't be together. Fast forward 3 years, we aren't together, but its Pandemic era, and I'm told I need the mother's consent to get me on the birth certificate. She kept telling me she was too busy to call the people or go down there and grant consent for me to get on the birth certificate.
Fast forward to when we went to court for child support in September 2022, at court they asked if I wanted a DNA test, I said no, they asked her if she was grabbing for the record, that I was her oldest child's father, and she said yes....but that birth certificate was signed on 2/28/17;
•my middle daughter was born on 10/13/2018, and I'm on her birth certificate, because I signed that one, too. No hospital mix up this time;
•9/20/2021, I was at the hospital, prepared to sign the birth certificate, and they asked for both our ID's. My child's mother had an expired license, and the person who comes for you to sign, told us that without a valid state ID, the mother couldn't validate who the father of the child was. Some little known NC law.
The only child I had no trouble with getting on the birth certificate, was the one who was born in Virginia, my middle daughter...
But some of yoy nikkas be so quick to be loud and wrong. I don't know if its a superiority complex because you're married or what, but its like yall can't comprehend that yall don't know everything or strange situations pop up you can't prepare for---->I can't prepare for the hospital fukking up and losing the birth certificate I signed, or whatever happened to it. I also can't prepare for a law I never heard of. If we were married, wouldn't have been a problem, because the marriage validates you as the kids father, but if you're unmarried, if the mother doesn't also have a valid state ID, she can't affirm who the father of the child is...
I appreciate you and others kinda steering me back into not leaving permanently, but accept some constructive criticism yourself too, my boy. It's been blatantly obvious you nikkas don't know everything, so try not to speak from a know it all perspective next time...
and showing up each day and going to bed tired as fukk from it all.
it is not that simple as just go to court and they see you're responsible and you get 50/50 
this ain't a contest, there is enough blame to go around (for shytty fathers and difficult mothers); there are plenty on both sides but your posts show either an alarming awareness of what things are like for most people...
