How Can Adults Undo The Harm Of Being Parentified As Children

[Afro]

This article speaks to me


@CreepyMcCreeperson

You were wondering about how folks end up a little broken, this article explains why in great detail


How can adults undo the harm of being parentified as children? | Aeon Essays

One participant, Sadhika (45 at the time of our interviews), had parents who fought every day about everything. Her mother was like a wildfire who burned anything in her path. She was loud, persistent in her demands from everyone around her, and ‘decimated’ anyone who disagreed with her. Her father became a ‘piece of furniture’ in the house, unable to protect the children. Sadhika told me it was inconceivable for her to ask him to protect her and her siblings, because he seemed to ‘be in the same boat’ as the children. So it fell to her to manage her mother, protect her younger siblings, attend to the household chores, and hold the centre. Missteps were not an option – from managing interpersonal relationships to fixing a dripping tap.

Sadhika had endured ‘parentification’, which can occur in any home, anywhere in the world, when parents rely on their child to tend to them indefinitely without sufficient reciprocity. The parentified child who supports the parent often incurs a cost to her own psychic stability and development. The phenomenon has little to do with parental love, and much more to do with the personal and structural circumstances that stop parents from tending to the immense anxiety and burden that a child might be experiencing on their behalf. The parent is often unable to see that their child is taking responsibility for maintaining the peace in the family, for protecting one parent from the other, for being their friend and therapist, for mediating between the parents and the outside world, for parenting the siblings, and sometimes for the medical, social and economic stability of the household.

 

[Cereal_Bowl_Assassin]

I know a few people who have been affected by this

 

[Rozay Oro]

 

[Afro]

I know a few people who have been affected by this

This was my life for 30 years

I'm turning 32 this year

Thank God for therapy

 

[Software]

People who had parents who were heavy on drugs know this fasho

 

[Kiyoshi-Dono]

I think everybody has suffered from this especially black boys
The weight of making sure ma dukes is always protected/provided for
Is one of the main reasons young men are dying so early
We came out the womb with stressors we didn’t even know about
Even if you were lucky to have a two parent household
Most of those relationships were built on responsibility/obligation
Not love or like
Strictly off duty and didn’t want their peers or family to look down upon them
So they “stuck it” out to raise the kids
With that they dragged their kids through all kinds of trauma and tension
Your parents weren’t whooping you to discipline
(Some may have) but the majority of old heads like me were facing abuse at the hands of our parents
Your parents will lie to you only to recall it differently in their minds or reframe it to their benefit
You didn’t go hungry
You had a roof over your head
If I wasn’t hard on you, you wouldn’t be successful today
As much as people hate this buzzword
Parents on the daily gaslight us while acting like beacons of hope to their grandkids
shyt is irritating at times because(wish I could find that tiktok of a sis explaining it)
That shyt was in them all this time but they use “survival” as a justification to the means
That’s why a lot of my generation parenting skills are “softer”
I’m still a stern parent but I get it and understand it
And choose when to be authoritative when deemed necessary
I never pull my child into something with my ex
That shyt is handled between us
My ex tried to bad mouth me one time after our divorce and being my baby was 9 at the time
She didn’t understand the gravitas of what she was saying while telling me
I was beyond furious and probably the only time I ever wanted to knock my ex on her ass
Would have proudly taken the charge that day
Luckily my cooler head was on me the day I took my little one back home
We had a loooooong ass discussion on this shyt
I basically broke it down to her how we are not our parents
We can course correct this shyt right now
Even though we aren’t together
We can still love and support each other
And if it’s beef, let’s squash it before the need of bad talking in front of our seed
That shyt clicked like a light bulb for her
Open communication saved our situation
And we were back to being homies again
People never seek help to unwind the shyt we saw as children
Our parents were doing the best they could with the tools they saw
They were just replicating dysfunction
It sounds like a cop out but sometimes you have to take yourself out of your situation and look at it from a distance
Once I did that I was able to forgive ma dukes for a lot of shyt
Unfortunately it will always be fukk my pops forever
Until his death bed
I’ve tried too many times and it is what it is at this point
Only thing I can say after this soliloquy
Seek help, it’s never too late to course correct as a single person, soon to be parent or an OG parent

 

[Afro]

I think everybody has suffered from this especially black boys
The weight of making sure ma dukes is always protected/provided for
Is one of the main reasons young men are dying so early
We came out the womb with stressors we didn’t even know about
Even if you were lucky to have a two parent household
Most of those relationships were built on responsibility/obligation
Not love or like
Strictly off duty and didn’t want their peers or family to look down upon them
So they “stuck it” out to raise the kids
With that they dragged their kids through all kinds of trauma and tension
Your parents weren’t whooping you to discipline
(Some may have) but the majority of old heads like me were facing abuse at the hands of our parents
Your parents will lie to you only to recall it differently in their minds or reframe it to their benefit
You didn’t go hungry
You had a roof over your head
If I wasn’t hard on you, you wouldn’t be successful today
As much as people hate this buzzword
Parents on the daily gaslight us while acting like beacons of hope to their grandkids
shyt is irritating at times because(wish I could find that tiktok of a sis explaining it)
That shyt was in them all this time but they use “survival” as a justification to the means
That’s why a lot of my generation parenting skills are “softer”
I’m still a stern parent but I get it and understand it
And choose when to be authoritative when deemed necessary
I never pull my child into something with my ex
That shyt is handled between us
My ex tried to bad mouth me one time after our divorce and being my baby was 9 at the time
She didn’t understand the gravitas of what she was saying while telling me
I was beyond furious and probably the only time I ever wanted to knock my ex on her ass
Would have proudly taken the charge that day
Luckily my cooler head was on me the day I took my little one back home
We had a loooooong ass discussion on this shyt
I basically broke it down to her how we are not our parents
We can course correct this shyt right now
Even though we aren’t together
We can still love and support each other
And if it’s beef, let’s squash it before the need of bad talking in front of our seed
That shyt clicked like a light bulb for her
Open communication saved our situation
And we were back to being homies again
People never seek help to unwind the shyt we saw as children
Our parents were doing the best they could with the tools they saw
They were just replicating dysfunction
It sounds like a cop out but sometimes you have to take yourself out of your situation and look at it from a distance
Once I did that I was able to forgive ma dukes for a lot of shyt
Unfortunately it will always be fukk my pops forever
Until his death bed
I’ve tried too many times and it is what it is at this point
Only thing I can say after this soliloquy
Seek help, it’s never too late to course correct as a single person, soon to be parent or an OG parent

Dap + Rep

I'm happy you were able to correct that for your own family before it truly became a problem.

I found out on my mom's deathbed that my dad used to beat my mom.

Me and her never had a relationship, we were roommates, then I became her caretaker.

I look just like my father, so sometimes she couldn't even make eye contact with me

Part of me believes that this shyt is the true enemy of the Black community, but I digress

 

[Buddy]

Idk, it’s one of those things that can make or break you.

My parents fought a lot and eventually divorced when I was 12. I had the choice of living with either one and my pops REALLY wanted me to stay with him. He moved clear across the country. I wound up choosing to stay with my mama cause my sister (God rest her soul) had a lot of issues and my cousin who stayed with us was always in some shyt. I didn’t want her to deal with all that alone & kinda deemed myself responsible as the “man of the house”.

I’m far from perfect, in fact I know I could be a lot better off but the values I started developing at that age carry with me today. Like I’m huge on the Black family & building a legacy. The relations we have as men & women, etc. I know cats that just care about p*ssy & swear against ever getting married so when I see it here is just A lot of the shyt I see online & social media really concerns me but I had to mature at an early age. I’m not sure who I’d be otherwise.

 

[Afro]

Idk, it’s one of those things that can make or break you.

My parents fought a lot and eventually divorced when I was 12. I had the choice of living with either one and my pops REALLY wanted me to stay with him. He moved clear across the country. I wound up choosing to stay with my mama cause my sister (God rest her soul) had a lot of issues and my cousin who stayed with us was always in some shyt. I didn’t want her to deal with all that alone & kinda deemed myself responsible as the “man of the house”.

I’m far from perfect, in fact I know I could be a lot better off but the values I started developing at that age carry with me today. Like I’m huge on the Black family & building a legacy. The relations we have as men & women, etc. I know cats that just care about p*ssy & swear against ever getting married so when I see it here is just A lot of the shyt I see online & social media really concerns me but I had to mature at an early age. I’m not sure who I’d be otherwise.

Would have preferred having a choice in the matter, that is a lot to take on as a child when you have full grown adults around

Glad you have made peace with it though

 

[Capitol]

To this day I still feel like I'm playing a mediator role. I hate this shyt

 

[Mtt]

This article speaks to me


@CreepyMcCreeperson

You were wondering about how folks end up a little broken, this article explains why in great detail


How can adults undo the harm of being parentified as children? | Aeon Essays

25 Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents and Dysfunctional Families (Part 2)
.14.Incompetency

In a dysfunctional family, the parent is fundamentally incompetent. They may feel helpless and consequently expect other family members, including their child, to take care of them and shoulder adult responsibilities. Or they will simply fail to meet their responsibilities altogether.





other info:
narcissitic parents fall in that category affect children many ways
https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aH...1YTRhNWEtYjEzYi0xMWVjLWIwNzctZGIyZjI5ZWFkM2M3

 

[Complexion]

There is an epidemic of children forced to become caregivers to parents and satisfy their emotional needs because they're so messed up and shouldn't have had kids in the first place. NPD is definitely a part of it as is poverty, addiction, multi generational traumatic inheritance and so much more.

Its so messed up as the child is seen as a resource to be exploited, not as potential to be nurtured and then they go out into the world and (without introspection) repeat the same pattern again with a partner who creates a similar dynamic because thats all they know.

This is such a huge thing and its very rarely spoken as it shines light upon things society would rather ignore as a collective. Those familiar with the shadow world know this well...

 

[Afro]

This is such a huge thing and its very rarely spoken as it shines light upon things society would rather ignore as a collective. Those familiar with the shadow world know this well...

It's frustrating because people will wave you off and tell you some generic "Respect your parents" and "Parenting is hard, you just don't understand".

There aren't even that many books on the subject, which is crazy to me

Like legit only a handful on Amazon

 

[Gloxina]

This thread hit home sheesh

 

[CreepyMcCreeperson]

How did I not see this when it was posted??



I deal with this, and my girl’s mother is the same way, so she deals with it as well. It’s the reason we’ve been having problems, and I’ve been depressed for a couple of weeks.

She refuses to speak up, or say anything to her mother, despite this woman insisting on having her way all the time, not respecting boundaries, and basically being a grown ass “mean girl”. I don’t know if I want to deal with that woman for the rest of my life in addition to my own mother.