I appreciate everyone's input and insight. I understand what you are saying. I have told her that i don't trust her and that she will have to not only earn my trust back, but she will have to prove to me everyday that she wants the marriage to work. She has to do the heavy lifting to repair this, not me. I sat down with her and had a very long conversation and in that conversation i gave her the oppurtunity to come clean about anything else. I explained it was a safe passage situation and that this was her ONE AND ONLY chance to confess to anything else no matter hoe small it seemed...She very sincerely professed that there was nothing else and no other time. I made it very clear that it was the only oppurtunity she had. I told her that if something else came out whether from her or someone else it was over, i would file for divorce petition for for majority custody of our children and she would be out of the house. It doesn't matter if it came out a week from now, a year from now or 5 years from now. I said it with complete sincerety and i meant every word of it. i told her that she is not allowed to delete and call records or texts and i would compare the phone bill to the texts and calls on her phone. If there was a text or call on the bill that wasn't on her phone, then she was out.
I know i painted a picture of saint like forgiveness but i remain guarded and in reality. I know the likelyhood of undisclosed indiscretions and the possibility of repeat offenses in the future. She knows the consequences and she has free will. if she does it again. we're done.
I did get more info on how things happened that day. I didn't ask about details until now, really because i didn't want to know. But i'll explain below.
The "friend" lived across the street from us with his parents for during that time as his girlfriend was in jail and he had to move back from home. He was out of work at the time and my wife was in between semesters at school. Apparently he would walk across the street to smoke a ciggarette with my wife on the front porch and chat. She told me about this everytime he came over. I didn't think much of it then. He was out screweing everything he could while is girl was locked up. I knew he was a dog, but i never crossed my mind that he would think about touching my wife. My wife even admitted to me that she thought he was attractive,. It didn't bother me as i'm really not a jealous person. You would have to see me to understand, but i'm not the kind of guy you mess with like that. I didn't figure he would risk his health to do that. Apparently, the chats became a little flirtacious. He knew the problems we were having in our marriage as i had confided in him. He and i were close like brothers. So on DDay, he sent her a text asking if she wanted to come sit on the porch and have a smoke. By this point he was being very flirtacious as was she. He was telling her how sexy she was, how he liked her big t*ts and how i was lucky to be able to have sex with her. All things i wasn't doing at the time and my wife said he made her feel good by telling her all those things. He was giving her the attention i wasn't at the time. He asked her if she had any coffee brewed and she said yes. He asked if he could come in and get a cup and she agreed. They sat on teh couch (which is now gone from the house) and he made a move on her and she didn't stop him. There wasn't much kissing and it went straight to sex. It last about 10 minutes and he they quit, both agreeing the couldn't do it. She said he could barely get it up and she wasn't turned on. In seperate conversations with both of them, neither knowing what the other had already told me both confirmed this. He left and she got into the bath and cried. She started writing me a letter telling me what happened, but she never finished it or gave it to me. But she did show it to me, she had it hidden in her dresser for 2 years.
I talked to both of them and never got any variance from one story to the other. He admitted to making a move on her. he couldn't explain why, he said she was attractive and he wasn't thinking. (which he is still a dirtbag piece of **** in my eyes)
He moved out of his parents house a week later and back in with his now ex-girlfriend 2 hours a way. I checked phone records from now all the way back to then and there was never another call or text between them. I checked all of the other numbers and called the ones i didn't recognize (those turned out to be girls my wife is in school with)
So at this point i have no evidence nor any suspicion that it happened again with him or anyone else. I can never be 100% sure but i guess i'll have to go on little bit of faith.
I told her that my biggest problem with her and the whole situation is that she could lie to me like that for 2 years, that she could look me in the eye and tell me she loves me, that she could make love to me knowing what she did. But i guess everyday that went by, it probably got harder and harder to find a way to tell me. She told me that she thought about telling me a number of times, but she was afriad i would leave her. She said that she got to the point that she hoped i would never find out and that it would be like a bad dream.
I'm glad i did find out. I'm glad i found out when i did. If i would have found out right after it happened, i would have left her. I am in a different place mentally and in maturity than i was then. I'm glad that she isn't carrying this guilt anymore. She seems like a whole new person without the weight of this secret on her shoulders. She is still scared that i might leave her and i did tell her that i am not leaving her right now, but if she backtracks at all from her efforts to fix this marriage, i might not be able to say the same thing then.
I hope this gives a little more insight into why i am where i am in the reconciliation stages already. I really look forward to getting some feedback on this.
