Hi all,
My wife of 22 years admitted to having a 2 and a half year affair on May 18th. We have 2 children (10 and 15).
I am really struggling to cope.
I don't know whether to leave; I am telling myself I don't want to leave because of our children but I am not sure if I am making excuses for myself and that I haven't the courage to walk out.
I would like to just say a little about what went on:
18 months ago my wife said she wanted us to part ways. I took it hard, but asked if we could sell the house and move on. She would not do this and kept me hanging on. I didn’t understand why she wanted to part and also why she wouldn’t actually do anything about it. She treated me fairly badly and I remember describing the relationship as abusive on several occasions. Don't get me wrong, I can give as good as I get. Generally, however, I am easy going and fairly passive.
Wind it forward to March 11th. We lay in bed and my wife said she "has something to tell me": "I have been in love with another man for 2 and a half years" she said. "It's over, nothing physical happened - will you forgive me?"
I remember I shook when she told me and that she was shaking too; I hugged her and said we would get through it together and that I would help her if she missed him. I knew who it was, although she flatly denied it was the man I had suspected she had a crush on for 5 years.
She told me she had been terrified I would walk out when she told me and that I was a very good man for staying and being so understanding. She was visibly relieved: "I want to make it work between us again, put it behind us" she said. "You are such a good man". She said.
I didn't know at the time, but she was back in his
bed 2days later.
Over the next 3 weeks she would text me and tell me how much she had made a mistake and that she wanted me to stay etc. I was to find out later that she saw him for certain up until April 3rd, I think she continued after that but she has consistently denied it.
Needless to say, I couldn't make any of the "facts" stick together and it culminated in me going to the other man's house around April 8th (she admitted that morning it was the guy I always knew it was). She still insisted nothing physical had happened and said if I met him he would say she threw herself at him etc.
I did not go to confront him, just to ask what had gone on. This man has 6 children by 6 different women, lives on his own but has a long term girlfriend. I think you may get the picture.
No one was in at his house and I drove home (she had rather predictably warned him I might be on the way over although I had said nothing).
Nothing moved on until 17th May. I kept asking what had gone on and saying nothing made sense. She denied time and again that anything physical had happened. After an argument on the night of the 17th she admitted she had kissed him. Then on the morning of the 18th, that they had gotten up to sexual things in the car. Then by midday (I had tried to go to work and come home, unable to do anything without crying) admitted they had had sex "no more than 5 times" (needless to say a whopper of a lie).
She had to go to work by 3pm and left me in bed shaking, unable to do anything although bizarrely we had made love constantly until that time. I found out later that as soon as she left the house, she promptly rang him and chatted for an hour, following it up with a text and another phone call after she finished work.
I suspect this is all too common a tale. She didn't tell me anything, I had to tell her and could see from her reaction whether it was true. They didn't visit his house she said, except it was always there, they used a condom she said - except they didn't.
One of the "kickers" has been that she wouldn't ever go on the pill for me and I ended up having the snip. For him, she went straight on the pill and ended up having contraceptive injections. She has always been ultra-paranoid about HIV and other STDs so this was all the more shocking.
There are lots of things about her relationship with him that she did for him would not do for me in our 24 years together; some sexual, some not.
We spent most of Saturday and Sunday in bed making love. Both of us seemed to have an insatiable desire for each other.
On Sunday 20th May I sent the other man a text saying that we must “catch up”. “Hi, O***” I texted, “missed you at L****** Close the other week [his house]. It would be good to catch up some time”. Within 1 minute he was trying to ring me. I answered on his third attempt. I calmly told him I knew what had been going on and he immediately denied everything and told me I had gotten mixed up. “I don’t know what she’s told you, but I was just a good friend to her”.
I told him, calmly, that there was a lot of evidence that wasn’t the case and that I would be “naming him as co-respondent in our divorce and that this could have financial implications”. I admit to feeling pleasure at the panic in his voice as he denied the affair more strenuously. I told him I would not proceed with the divorce if he didn’t speak with my wife again and we left it at that.
Two minutes later he rang me back again, denying anything had happened and offering to meet me. Now one of the things that my wife admitted to being attracted to, is this man’s connections with less than law abiding “people” who could “get violent” and “sort people out”. I politely declined a meeting (seriously, I was super calm throughout the whole thing) and said between his denials: “Look, man to man, we both know what’s gone on. Just leave her alone and that will be that”. I know he is very sensitive about money and has been worried about his girlfriend finding out about his being with my wife so figured the threat of legal papers would scare him. This did appear to work.
My wife got an HIV test on the Monday and tested for other STDs – all are OK as far as I know but to my shame I tore the results up in anger before reading them. I told her if she had HIV or anything that I would stand by her. I asked her to ring me if she was missing him. I have found the emotions very difficult to deal with. I asked her to get her medical records and this is when she spilled the beans about the contraceptive injections. I would never have found out otherwise. She also admitted to getting the morning after pill a few times and having at least one
pregnancy test. She still hasn’t, however, gotten those records.
We spent every spare minute in bed together and it was fantastic for both of us (as far as I know). We began counselling on the Wednesday although this was just an assessment. Thursday we spent in bed. Friday we spent mostly in bed and then went out and had sex in some woods where we had done the same 17 years before.
Another counselling session on the Wednesday and then I had to leave for 2 weeks with our youngest child to see my brother in a very remote location. Those 2 weeks away were Hell for me. I could only contact my wife occasionally and for a few days not at all. I asked questions but she refused to answer them as it was “too difficult”. I pleaded with her as we had already realised that it made things much easier on me if she simply told the truth. Again, this seems to be common.
It was so hurtful being 1,000s of miles away and with her simply refusing to answer anything. I was (and am) convinced that the affair was over and this didn’t worry me at all. The worst was travelling when I was left with my own thoughts. I started to dread being on my own. Although I was with family I didn’t like talking about what had happened – although they knew.
On returning, I felt distant. As though something had “snapped” whilst I was away. It was so very hard being in a remote location with no meaningful contact with my wife. We did talk occasionally but she clammed up. She did keep texting me (when I could receive them) to say she loved me and that she wanted it to work and I told her I appreciated this. We continued to be intensely sexual - one night we literally did not sleep (I am 43 and she is 47).
This dude is pathetic, a Class-A simp.
