I am new here, but have spent the last year on another marriage/relationship website. I came across this one last week and was really impressed with some of you guys on here so I have decided to give this a try. Having said that, my story of my marriage is a complicated one and it is tearing me up inside because it's not as black and white as other stories of infidelity. For what you are about to hear, you will probably chew me out and I understand why. So don't hold back, ok?
Here goes nothing...
After 16 years of a very good marriage, our sex life stalled. It had been a slow death if you will. But it went from sex once or maybe twice a week, to once a month. My self esteem wasn't great and my wife had told me it wasn't my fault, it was probably her. She has been taking medication for depression, insomnia, ADHD (it was really just to help her get out of bed and go to work/function), joint pain, stress. She even took birth control to keep her from the uncomfortableness of her periods.
This went on for a few years. I tried doing even MORE around the house to help her energy, happiness, etc. I also thought it might help with our sex life. All I ever hear is how women have no energy for sex so I thought I would do everything. I was doing everything: cooking, cleaning, caring for our kids, yard work. It got to a point one day I complained I felt like the "wife" in the relationship and wouldn't mind some help once in awhile and my wife took offense and was pissed at me.
During this time I started to bring up "swinging" to try to put a spark in our sex life. I would bring this up maybe once every 3 months or so. I was embarrassed talking about my FANTASY that I was suggesting to turn into a REALITY. Her response was always she couldn't bonk some complete stranger. I would never push it or respond. I'd just drop it.
Yes, it was very STUPID and desperate for me to suggest a thing. I encouraged her to dress sexy and not too long after that she decided to get a boob job. I didn't stand in her way. Our sex life improved for a little while, but then would resort back to the same thing. I felt responsible for this however.
Then one day, she came back from a business trip and was acting weird. She said it was just body aches. A few days later I went on our family computer and saw that she left Skype open and she had a chat on there with some guy she met on her trip. Apparently, they discussed that they needed to get together again and missed each other. Red flags went up like crazy. I asked her if anything went on during her trip I should know about. She said no. The next day I confronted her about the skype message and she said she just flirted with the guy and he kissed her in a club.That was all. In her skype message it said she loves her husband very much. So I figured it was just a fling?
At this point, most men would say "there's the door"; " this will END now", " NC" etc. But I didn't.
I told her I didn't like her keeping things from me. She needs to be open and honest with me. Then my fantasies of swinging took hold and I asked her about the idea of having a threesome with the OM ( she still loved ME, not him, right?). That I felt better if I was there. She said she would think about it.
Yes. I was stupid. In hindsight, I wish my self-esteem was stronger.
She was planning another business trip and was planning to meet him. I struggled and confronted her about it just being him and her in a far away place. This is when I saw someone I never knew before. She started crying and shaking saying that she was happy for once and that her symptoms were no longer bothering her. Why can't she have fun? I wanted her to be happy, but this was against what I really wanted. Foolishly, I allowed her to go telling her but no sex with this OM, ok? She went. She ignored my phone calls. And I became a mess. She returned saying why I called so much? That I need to calm down. That she was on her "period" and nothing happened.
I later learned they did. It hurt but I never had the courage to stop it. I was afraid if I did she would no longer be happy and she would blame me for it and she'd leave me. What a fool I was. I was slowly becoming a mess. We would have late night arguments about all of this and I would cry. More and more. For 13 years of marriage I cried only once (birth of our daughter). Now I was doing it more and more. A downward spiral.
Several months later, I caught her in a lie that she was supposed to go to a friends house while I was at my family's house with the kids. It turns out she met the OM at the airport and her car broke down. She returned late that night and confessed that she lied and broke down crying saying she was sorry. That was the end of their relationship. The OM moved on. And her fooling around was done...or so I thought.
During this time, the OM had a co-worker that also "friended" my wife. He was "nerdy" and a loner and definitely not my wife's type. He lived far away. He was married too so I did not feel threatened by him. They would chat online from time to time (business and friends stuff). He would even chat with me a few times. Seemed like a nice guy. However, in a few months time my wife spent more and more time chatting with him.She was always laughing out loud. It looked like the guy was pretty funny. I started feeling more neglected, but my wife assured me they were just friends. She started showing me more affection during this time. So I dismissed it that I was the one going crazy.
My wife went on another business trip and was meeting the new nerdy OM (the 1st OM was long gone). I told her I felt he liked her and that she should NOT do ANYTHING with this guy. For once, I was putting my boundaries down after my huge FU. She agreed.
She returned from the trip and said she told him from the start " Just friends" and the OM agreed. But they still chatted online a lot after their trip. I would go to bed at 10pm and she would stay up till 2am on a work night. I felt her insomnia was causing this (which probably was, but I later learned she was chatting with this guy too). She kept reassuring me nothing was going on and I stopped with the "empty accusations" and confronting her because she told me it was upsetting her and pushing her away. So I did. I thought it was all in my head and I was an insecure fool.
The OM came to town to pitch his business idea and my wife invited him to stay at our place. I felt uncomfortable about this, but I did not want her to think I was insecure/weak again. So I said ok. I never found evidence anything happened, but there were signs she really liked this guy. She was spending a lot of time with him. When he left, I broke down. My wife suggested I need therapy and anti-depressants. I felt like I was paranoid and totally losing it. So I did. Went to a doctor to get meds.
What was wrong with me? I've been healthy my whole life. And now the tables were turned: my wife was healthy and happy and I was a depressed mess.
I know this story is so long, so to shorten it a bit: After confronting her several times and being told it's in my head and that she loves me; she finally told me she was in love with him and not me. And that things went physical back in her first trip when we agreed nothing would happen. The classic EA to PA.
We go to MC, but she says her heart is not in it. I'm a mess in MC, crying while she is stoned face. She is still in contact with the OM. I did expose him to his wife. But she was like me (confused & no self esteem) and despite telling him she did not support this, couldn't find the courage to kick him out.
My wife said it was like an addiction with this OM. And that he met many of her needs. And she felt I am incapable of meeting those needs. I tried so hard to meet those needs. I know now I had a chance in hell pulling that off. I apologized for all the things I did. She never apologized for her actions.
She went to visit the OM during the X-mas holidays. Her family urged me not to divorce her. The counselor thought her leaving was a bad idea, but I shouldn't do anything rash. I was getting ****ty advice that only enabled her.
After several months, he finally broke it off with her. She was devastated. She told me to move out if I wanted the marriage to have a chance. I did. But a month later I moved back in because I learned her and the OM were going to give it another try. She was pissed at me and thought I was selfish. It never worked out with her and the OM. She left me though. Quit her good job down here. All of her symptoms came crashing back. She moved away to find herself and to decide if working on the marriage was worth it or leave it. I wanted her back to work on the marriage and family. She said she decided to stay away for good. She loved being in a new state and the outdoors. She said she was happier up there.
I discovered soon afterwards she has joined a dating site up there and has met a new man. So I called her and said I finally was done and I want a divorce. Her response? "Ok, let's discuss how to do this without involving any lawyers, ok". Wow. She wasn't upset or anything? Why did she have to wait for me to pull the plug? I ended up hiring a lawyer and was able to keep our house and my kids (it's joint though). No winners in this.
So I feel responsible for the end of our marriage because I opened that idea of fooling around and did not put my foot down with the first OM. When I finally realized she wouldn't be honest with me (she told me later because I would flip out if she told me), I realized my fantasy should have been just that..a fantasy, and it has turned my life into a living hell. My friends know about all this. They tell me despite what I did, she had a choice. Especially when I finally put my boundaries in place and she crossed them with the 2nd OM. But I still struggle with this. I feel so responsible. I feel terrible. I wish this was black and white like so many of you. It would be easier to live with my choices. I know it takes two to work on a marriage as well as there to be problems. But it's mostly my fault, right?
she really wanna stay with a dude who cheated on her with a dude who almost gave her hiv
off love
- I complicated my wife's AFFAIR
