NFL: Why Your Team Sucks

[tremonthustler1]

This email reply

The Jets are in perfect position to land Jadaveon Clowney. We have no quarterback, no wide receivers, no discernible running game, we traded away our best corner, and our linebackers are aging fast. We are in perfect position to go 0-16; however, don't be surprised when we end this season on a 3-game winning streak to finish 5-11 so that way we can be out of the running for anyone useful and end up with Sammy Watkins to add to our collection of a$$hole receivers who create locker room headaches.

My worst fear as a Jets fan

 

[resurrection]

LOL Steelers one is kinda on point. But the thing that kills me is .. it's true that we always barely eek out W's (and sometimes lose) against shytty ass teams. On a REGULAR basis. So I'm gonna blame Tomlin. WHAT

 

[Buggsy Mogues]

anxiously awating the Cowboys one

 

[Ku$h Parker]

dude went in on the patriots

The Jets,Steelers,CowBoys,Skins,Igglets ,Saints & Packers got it bad too...

 

[Ku$h Parker]

anxiously awating the Cowboys one

Its up breh

I recently attended a high-dollar fund raiser held at the Death Star to benefit The Jones Foundation. It was a black tie $1000 a plate deal that my girlfriend got invited to and felt compelled to drag me along since I am a lifelong Cowboy fan.

As it turned out, I was introduced to Jerrah & The Missus during the event and I noticed that he was only wearing one shoe. I tried to contain my curiosity, but after a couple of vodkas, what the hell.

"Mr. Jones, I noticed that you are only wearing one shoe. Did you lose one?" I said.

Jerrah looked me in the eye and said, "Oh no, son. I found one."

 

[Brady-Carter]

dude went in on the patriots

Lol, even as a Pats fan I chuckled.

MILF-hunting sociopath Bill Belichick, who makes draft choices like a music snob who intentionally chooses the most obscure bands possible for his year end top-10 list.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-new-england-patriots-1238962098

No punches pulled, pretty funny..

 

[jfkennedy]

This email reply sounds just like me, LOL.

You've never heard someone get the "HE JUST NEEDS MORE WEAPONS" crap thrown their way as often as Sam does (and now Steven Jackson is gone! This will be so much fun!), and it drives me crazy. The sad thing is, I'm totally with them. Every so often, my brain will get the idea that maybe he just isn't anything special, but moments later it will be overwhelmed either by sentimentality or a great block by some undrafted OL that makes me scream "SEE? LOOK AT WHAT HE DOES WHEN HE HAS TIME TO THROW!" I'll probably be saying this about him 5 years from now, too.

 

[Ronald McDonald]

These people are the undead. You know what, Green Bay? You can have all your titles and your precious stadium and your elite quarterbacks and your status as the Commie Darling of North American pro sports. For real. I’m happy for you to have it because you have NOTHING else: no hobbies, no intellect, no functional thyroid glands. Christ, read a book or something. Or watch a movie that isn’t a VHS tape of NFL Films highlights from the 1995 season. Do something with your lives, man. You people will all go to the grave with the singular accomplishment of watching some team you don’t even work for win a couple Super Bowls. Lord knows you ain’t inventing the Hyperloop. You may as well have a clock hanging around your neck counting down the days until you die.

 

[BrehWyatt]

They nailed the Bengals one, especially when it came to talking reckless about Mike Brown. Everything was on point.

That said, Go Bengals. WHO DEY.

 

[K-Apps]

Bills

We get 3 Super Bowls a year: the game vs. New England, the game at New England, and the NFL draft. We usually lose all three.

Have you seen Ralph Wilson lately? It looks like there's a very tiny black hole just behind his nose that is slowly sucking his face inward.

Last playoff win: December 30, 1995. Two months after OJ was acquitted of murder.

 

[Street Knowledge]

"Also, 4th and 29. 4th and fukking 29. They had the eventual Super Bowl champs down for the count, and then they give up 4th and fukking 29 on a goddamn screen pass."

 

[daemonova]

"PS, when Morton Andersen booted the Falcons into the Super Bowl over your beloved Vikings I was 22 years old and wept tears of joy.

[Editor's note: fukk you, Dave.]"

Minnesota has a world series championship because of Charlie Leibrandt. I don't want to hear shiet about 98.

 

[Street Knowledge]

"Our offensive line and secondary are perfect metaphors for all the neighborhoods in Detroit that have been completely abandoned and left to the elements. I’m 21 years old, have horrible social skills, and have never gotten past first base with a girl. I still think I’m getting laid before the Lions win a fukking playoff game."

 

[DirtyD]

I interned at family court when I was in grad school. Some guy showed up for a 9am Child Services hearing wearing a blood-spattered Carl Pickens jersey. The judge was stunned and asked if the guy was on drugs, to which he responded "Yeah, and drunk too." You can imagine where it went from there. This actually happened.

I was in Cincinnati for college. One evening while out with my two friends in Fountain Square (one being an African American male, and one being a ginger-headed male) a woman approached us with her son. The woman had at least five teeth missing and appeared to be high, drunk, or both. She went up to my black friend, assuming he was (Reds Second Baseman) Brandon Phillips. The son then freaked out seeing my red-headed friend, believing him to be Andy Dalton. They left (read: stumbled away) awestruck. And it nearly happened a second time the same night, and I wish I was kidding about that.

We'll always be known as the bumbling, shytdikk ex-con safe haven we once were. When we cock up on national TV, Cris Collinsworth, that freeze-dried Judas in corpse makeup, will say, "they're just the Bengals!" Steelers fans will use their one firing brain cell to mouth-fart "WE OWN UR STADIUM." We'll make the playoffs, Giovani Bernard will drop a pass like it's covered in bacon grease, and home we'll go, still winless in the playoffs, still mired in quarterback questions, still, and forevermore, the fukking Bengals.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-cincinnati-bengals-1626463239

http://deadspin.com/tag/why-your-team-sucks-2014

 

[mozichrome]

i love the fan letters