NFL: Why Your Team Sucks

[Jesus Shuttlesworth]

I'm a bills fan. No need to read.

 

[DirtyD]

I married into a Chicago Bears family. I am an Indianapolis Colts fans. I have been chastised for years that my team does not play "REAL FOOTBALL" because we play in a dome. On the day of the Super Bowl in 2006, when it started to rain, I got texts from all of them saying "RAIN FAVORS THE BEARS, BEAR DOWN, BEARS WEATHER!" The Bears proceeded to get waxed 29-17.

When his Bears teams were at their peak (which wasn't nearly long enough btw), the players were frequently getting endorsement opportunities. When Mike Ditka found out about this, he would encourage not to take the job as it could be a distraction to the team. On at least one occasion, one of the players was stunned to see that Ditka had actually taken the endorsement deal that he had encouraged the player to turn down.

fukk Mike Ditka.

Not even Marty McFly wanted to get back to 1985 as much as the average Bears fan

Went home to Chicago for a wedding this summer and found myself in a classic Bears conversation. A stereotypical suburban-raised, city-living white dude who works at a boring pubic accounting firm started chatting me up about football (after explaining he first got into Kings of Leon when he was blown away by "Sex on Fire"):

"fukk the Packers. I hate Rodgers. Peppers is gonna suck for them. Derp. Derp. Bear Weather. Derp. Cheesheads."

"Sure, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of their organization," I reply. "I just want the Bears to consistently contend like that."

He looked at me like I just poisoned his newborn.

"I should punch you in the face for saying that shyt."

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-chicago-bears-1627368933

 

[Street Knowledge]

The comment sections are always classic

"Allow me to sum up the last decade or so of Falcons football/Atlanta professional sports in general: let's say you meet a really cute girl. You start to hit it off with her and eventually you work up the nerve to ask her out. First date comes and you have a FANTASTIC time together. You get back to your place and things start heating up but just before you can seal the deal, she gives you a handjob and goes home. After that first date you're thinking "ALL RIGHT! Things are moving along pretty nicely!" You call her for a second date, things go just as well, get back to your place, aaaaaand handjob. Now you're still optimistic at this point "Hey, this girl just wants to go slow! We'll get to the good stuff soon enough!" Third, fourth, fifth date, handjob, handjob, handjob. By the sixth date you don't even want to waste your evening anymore. You know you're just gonna have another great date, let your hopes get nice and lofty again, only for them to be dashed by an uncomfortable handie. But you go anyway. You do against all of your better senses because you're hoping against all hope that for no particular reason, all of this progress you've made is going to eventually lead to something greater. But it won't. It never does. It never will.

That is what being an Atlanta Falcons fan is like: a sad, half-assed handjob."

 

[mr. smoke weed]

That shyt about bears fans is no joke

 

[intruder]

I couldnt find the Dolphins one but took great pleasure laughing at the Falcons
Couldnt find the Jets one either. THem sh!ts are always funny

 

[Domingo Halliburton]

I couldnt find the Dolphins one but took great pleasure laughing at the Falcons
Couldnt find the Jets one either. THem sh!ts are always funny

they haven't posted it yet. they post 1 or 2 every day.

 

[Street Knowledge]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-new-york-jets-1627942862

"I was just a 6 year old idiot who liked football like every other kid. I look up to my dad, so I figure if he is a Jets fan well then I should be too. My father begins to see that I am reaching an age where I will actually start to watch the game and learn about it.

My father looked me in my eyes and told me that I didn't need to be a Jets fan just because he was. He told me that there are other teams you could like. "Like the Bills", he said. We lived in Rochester, NY which is about an hour from Buffalo. The Bills were good at that time (I know. Weird.), and my friends were Bills fans. It made sense. Nope. He rattled through a few other teams. The Steelers! The Cowboys! The 49ers! Nah. "I like the Jets!" my stupid self said. Within weeks I had Jets wallpaper, a green rug, and Jets pennants in my room. It was over.

To this day he reminds me that he offered me a chance to get out."

 

[RAX 010]

 

[hotbeezie]

@cfountain

the Saints, they went in.

 

[nomoreneveragain]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-s...source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

Dolphins 2014

 

[Broad Street Bully]

when that cowboys jawn come out

 

[Microfracture]

From the Browns article:

"Ryan:

This summer, a group of us went into a downtown gas station to grab a few snacks one afternoon. What we thought was going to be a quick in and out stop turned into a roughly 20 min ordeal because of the man at the counter. This man decided that everyone behind him should wait until he found the absolute perfect blunt wraps. He was rubbing them, asking for prices, and basically making a scene in front of a small crowd as he continued to go back and forth with the cashier.

Finally, by the grace of God, this man was able to find a small grocery bag amount of blunt wraps worthy of his liking and leaves the store. By now all of us our just watching this man leave and curious to see what is going to happen next…and what do you know? A Camo'd-out Porche with Neon Orange rims pulls up and the man gets in. And who owns this monstrosity of a car? Yes, I shyt you not, Josh Gordon."




Hilarious if true

 

[Regular_P]

They finally did their Why Your Team Sucks on the Lions. It is amazing. http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-detroit-lions-1627573533

Sample quotes:

I bet Matt Stafford is already looking forward to participating in celebrity golf pro-ams. That's the vibe he gives off. He is a man of leisure who just happens to occasionally play quarterback effectively. If he throws 15 interceptions in a crushing 45-44 defeat (the Lions obviously blow a 44-10 lead here), Stafford is probably just fine going back to his McMansion to dikk around with his Brookstone putting green. Stafford is like a decade-long QB carousel encapsulated into a single player.

It's like Dave Krieg. Dave Krieg played in Seattle forever and didn't really accomplish anything, so fans hear his name and they're like, "Oh yeah! Boy, he was here for a while!" That's how Stafford will end up: The Guy That Was Here.

To support Stafford, the team also drafted tight end Eric Ebron, who dropped over 11% of passes thrown to him in college and says a "mental blockage" is preventing him from being able to secure the football in his hands. So that sounds promising. Why have one Brandon Pettigrew when you can have two?

Quotes from fans used for the article:

William Clay Ford finally died and got replaced by… William Clay Ford.

Our entire draft philosophy seems to revolve around the idea that, if we just get one more offensive weapon, we'll be Super Bowl bound.

1. Literally the last position of need on the field was tight end, so naturally we go out and draft a tight end in the first round. Didn't even flinch when it happened.

2. Our defensive secondary consist of a scarecrow, Plank from "Ed, Edd and Eddy," a hot dog vendor and Glover Quin (that poor b*stard).

4. If Kris "Brickhands" Durham wasn't Matt Stafford's roommate in college, he would be bagging groceries for a living. Instead, he got the second highest amount of targets last season.

6. I had more 2013 fantasy football playoff wins than this team has in my lifetime. Also, the last time we were in the playoffs, the other team never punted. The defensive coordinator was signed to an extension within the next 48 hours, because Lions.

7. The only things Nick Fairley didn't eat this offseason is himself.

Imagine a version of the film Groundhog Day, devoid of joy, on repeat, without a third act resolution. That's what every Sunday is like for a Lions fan.

Since 1958, literally every team has more playoff wins than the Lions.

My only child was born 4 days before the last Lions playoff victory. I am now a grandfather.

Byron Maxwell, Kam Chancellor, and Richard Sherman were all drafted with picks that the Lions traded to the Seahawks. Who did the Lions get with those trades? Lawrence Jackson, Rob Sims (who's good, to be fair), and Mikel Leshoure.

 

[TKOK]

On Andy Reid, Why does he hate running the ball? does it remind him of exercise?"

 

[DirtyD]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-s...source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

Dolphins 2014

The good news: Jeff Ireland is gone. The bad news: He was replaced by Greg Schiano's janitor. The first big move the Dolphins made this offseason? Knowshon Moreno! Yes, the Dolphins signed Knowshon right after he had a fluky revival season (it probably helped that he had the best QB in football there to ensure six-man fronts all day long). As soon as Knowshon signed with Miami, he went right back to being his usual bust. He's had knee surgery ALREADY. No beating around the bush for him. He may not even beat out Lamar Miller for the starting job. As someone who owned Lamar Miller in fantasy last season, I would just like to formally note: fukk LAMAR MILLER.

Somehow, it gets worse. The Dolphins also took a PR hit when they allegedly fired a scout for taking time off to care for his cystic fibrosis-stricken wife. They allegedly traded a player for trying to take paternity leave. And Mike Pouncey still keeps a framed Aaron Hernandez jersey in his house. Despite being accused of play-raping teammates in the Wells report, Pouncey remains on the roster and could reclaim his starting job if his torn hip is healed in time. So that's heartwarming. Hopefully he'll still be able to dole out $500 fines to fellow teammates for lookin' at him queer.

Miami, the city itself, is currently in the process of being swallowed up by the ocean. Were you aware of this? Most Miami citizens are either not aware, or they simply would like the problem to magically go away on its own. I look forward to the Dolphins playing in eight home Lake Bowls a year 10 years from now. They may have to field a team of literal Dolphins in order to continue playing in Miami. That would almost certainly draw more fans than the Dolphins as presently constituted.

Those might not even be the best quotes, Magary went in.