Long post but I'm really desperate for some type of input at this point.
Backstory: Me and my girl have been together for a few years we been close friends for heading on a decade now.
We always chopped it up on the regular since highschool and basically stayed close through college. We always had a dynamic where we would tell each other about who we we're talking to and our sexual growths, we're friends right?
Around the time that I finally come out of my shell as a man and start fukking with a solid amount of women, she starts to show heavy signs of jealousy. In one particular case where I cuffed a girl that I guess she thought was unworthy (a dancer), that really set her off.
She and all her friends had a running convo about me and my sex life and basically how I was "disrespecting her by fukking with other women". Like I would get mean-mugged by her friends when I came around, hell on one drunk night I actually got cussed out on the phone by a bunch of her friends about how I need to be a man and cuff her. (The way this whole situation went still bothers me, when I told her that she laughed it off as me overreacting and said all women do that)
All this time I didn't even know she wanted to be in a relationship with me. I didn't want to be in a relationship period, but long story short after initially denying it, I granted her wish of us becoming a couple.
The couple thing came with ups and downs, with a few slip-ups on her part, but that's beside the subject.
Me and her sexual chemistry has never been good, ever. Background information, my body count is around 30 and she has been sexual with I believe 4 dudes, when I say sexual I mean messing around/getting ate out/handjobs/sucking dikk etc. I was the guy that took her virginity and to this day (at least to my knowledge) the only man she's ever had intercourse with. And from the first time we ever had sex shyt has been fukked up.
The night I took her virginity she bursted into tears, hysterical crying like something extremely traumatic had just happened. It wasn't even like I forced anything on her, she was on top rubbing my dikk on her p*ssy and she got really horny and put the tip in, I told her to sit up on it, when she sat up the whole dikk went in. From there I could see something clicked in her head, she rode it for 2-3 strokes and immediately got off, and asked me "what just happened?" I told her "you rode my dikk", she responded "you mean like sexual intercourse? Actual fukking? Like I'm not a virgin anymore?", Me: "umm yea? I guess?" From there she broke down completely, to this day it was the hardest I've ever seen her cry outside of me breaking up with her. Later she told me most of her being upset was that what happened wasn't how she pictured in her head losing her virginity. Eventually we moved on but to this day that image is stuck in my head.
We move on in the relationship with the element of sex being involved, if you could even say that. After a while I notice that almost every time I try to initiate sex she would shut it down, she would always have an excuse or just flat out say she wasn't in the mood. I always try to value her autonomy and control of her body so I would just take it on the chin. But it would get to points where we would go 3 months without sexual contact, like she's living with me, we're sharing the the same bed, and I have to damn near beg to even give her head and most of the time that would even be denied.
About 5-6 months into putting up with it, I confront her about it. I tell her that I've been with enough women to know when a woman is sexually attracted to me and enjoys having sex with me. And that I don't think she's sexually attracted to me.
She instantly panicked, responding with
"no baby how could you think that, I'm so attracted to you. I just be insecure about my p*ssy not always being shaven and kept up a lot of time, that's why I denied you sex most of the time.” Looking back in hindsight our relationship was on thin ice at that point and I think she knew the wrong answer at that point would lead to me breaking up with her for good. But at the time I took what she said at face value and tried to comfort her that I don't care about her always being shaven or super clean I just enjoy being intimate and making love with her. She promised that she would do better and would make an active attempt to have sex with me more often.
From that point we actually had the best 6 months of our relationship. Our sex life wasn't the greatest but it had at least became some what decent with us at least having sex every 2 weeks or so. More importantly, me and her grew emotionally together becoming much stronger in our love, comfort, and trust for each other. Everything seemed to be on the up and up, at least that's what I thought.
A week before my birthday we get intimate, we begin to have sex and a few stroke into it, she breaks down into tears and says "I can't take it anymore". I'm caught off guard like ”what's wrong?”
"I can't have sex with you, it feels so uncomfortable, it varies from feeling numb and discomforting to being very painful, very rarely does it ever feel good. I can't keep pretending"
My heart sinks in my chest, I ask her how long has she felt like this and she tells me for the past 8 months (meaning before I confronted her because I knew something was wrong, but she denied it.)
She then goes on to say that it isn't anything wrong with me, that she is attracted to me and that she thinks it's something wrong with her like female sexual dysfunction.
She still crying throughout this point so I can't even get mad, I instantly begin to comfort her and be understanding. We have a long heart to heart about it and by the end of it, it seemed that we became even closer and stronger.
She has a girls trip to Miami the next day for a bachelorette weekend, so we end up with time away from each other. I'm a pragmatic dude so I begin to do research into female sexual disorder, but to not much avail. I find a female subreddit about vaginimus which would be kinda helpful for her, but the consistent theme is that as a man I can't do anything about it. And whenever I find male perspectives on the subject the common response from dudes that dealt with similar situations is "run for your life, it's never gonna get better, don't commit to her, don't marry her, get out of that situation ASAP" or ”One day she's gonna run into a dude that makes her wet and she not even gonna have to question fukking him, but it's not gonna be you."
Then I begin to dwell on the fact that she knew exactly what was wrong when I confronted her 6 months ago, but lied and made me seem like I was crazy for peeping it. I felt like she lied to preserve the relationship because she values the relationship a lot, but still that's fukked up because I had the right to know that all the times I weighed breaking up with her and everytime we survived a break up I would invest more into her emotionally, financial, physically.
That was 1.5 years ago, many arguments, heart to hearts, breakdowns later we're still together. And the sex situation has somewhat improved, but its still at the point that the only time I can count on her enthusiastically engage in sex is if I deprive her of contact. Like if I don't allow her to see me for a week or two, when I finally pull up on her she'll be open to sex. Or if I'm with her and about to leave and she knows she won't see me for a while she will be more aggressive about us having sex.
But let us get to a good place emotionally where I'm allowing her to hang around me for 3-4 days at a time she'll slowly revert to denying me sex again until I cut her off from seeing me. I feel like that's not a healthy sexual relationship at all.
I'm used to sex being a recreational thing in my previous relationships and dealings with women. Like we're chilling together, feeling on each other, attracted to each other, "lets have sex!". But in this relationship it feels like sex has became a bargaining chip and something she just does because she knows it's the only way the relationship will survive. And the fact that she was able to put on an act for 6 months regarding enjoying having sex with me sometimes makes me doubt if things are really improving or if she's just becoming a better actor.
And it's trash because in every other aspect it has grown into a great relationship emotionally, trust wise, and as a friendship.
It would be easier for me to make a decision on whether I wanted to be with her if it was obvious there was no true attraction at all, but she does most of the things I've experienced women do when they're attracted to you. She wants to be around me all the time, she gets jittery and fiendish when I cut her off to the point she'll beg to come see me, she got in a fight with her best friend of 15 years because she saw a picture of me and said I looked really good and has an all around jealous streak when it comes to me and any other woman. Hell she even sleeps with a pair of my dirty drawls like a teddy bear so she can smell me.
like what the fukk gives! This shyt literally has me losing my mind.
She'll occasionally make explicitly sexual comments if I get a haircut/get real dressed up/look real good, but the second I try to act on those comments or make her act on them she's like
. But as far as progress it's gone from me getting denied the p*ssy 95-99% of the time to me getting denied 60-70% of the time.
The female poster are always explaining woman behavior on here, somebody please give me some type of explanation, like not pulling any punches or sugarcoating.
