Should I break up with my fiancé?

[Buttercantmelt]

I think I'm being trapped!! I need some advice, though I'm 70% sure I want to end this. I don't even know where to start... a little background. I'm nearly finishing my masters but he's still in education. But he works full time. That was my first mistake.

So we've been together a while and we've been planning our future. Our families have met and we're going to get married soon. So it's as official as it can get. Through out our relationship I'd asked him if he's ready to get married financially etc and he said yes. He's the one who wants to get married as soon as possible.

I asked him several times if he would be able to keep paying his uni fees ontop of everything else,married life and he's said yes he can.

In a few days he is meant to be coming to my house to 'ask for my hand'. Something we do in our culture. And this morning he started asking me what financial obligations I expect from him(even though we've already discussed this) and would I want to move to a Muslim country after I've finished my studies. Bearing in mind I'm nearly done and he's nowhere near being done.

So of course I tell him that no I wouldn't not so soon. And then he starts talking about not expecting to live in luxury because he wants to study something on the sides when he's ins muslim country. And it would be enough to support us. Which just makes me think why are you bringing living in luxury up?? If I wanted that I wouldnt even be with him because he works a standard just above minimum wage job. And I told him that's fine because I'm sure it's not long term.

And then he asks me if it would bother me if my husband didn't have a degree and I said yeah because having a good job would be difficult and the opportunity is there to get a degree and then I asked him why he asked that and he says just being curious. But I didn't believe him so few hours later I asked him if he thinks he might not finish his degree. And he says anything can happen.

And then I asked him what he means and then he said being able to pay the fees. Anything can happen, he could lose his job. And then I asked him is it a problem now? And he says not now no, and then I said Is it likely to happen and all he said is god knows best.

I've asked him what's the point of this conversation. I don't get it. Does he think I'm too far in to back away from this. Why is he springing all of this on me now? I feel like he's being dishonest, and I just want to back away but I don't know if I'm over reacting. This is going to sound so silly but I'm not even a vain person and I literally don't care about looks, the only vain thing I look for in a guy is height and he's not even that tall. such a stupid thing to even think about now.

I don't know what to do. He's been rushing to get married to me, he wanted a quickie wedding in February but I told him no. What if he just wanted to get married quickly so I would be trapped and he could spring all this bullshyt on me, I don't know.

Sorry for the essay any advice would be helpful

 

[Raava]

Seems fishy. Based on what you said it does seem like he is trying to trap you just being honest. In the sense of trying to make major changes once you are married. At the very least you both aren't on the same page with a lot of things. There are some questions you need to ask yourself and him.

Are you sure you even want to get married right now? If he had his degree would you still have doubts about the marriage to him? Do you feel like it would be difficult for you to separate once married if you needed to because of family issues, or cultural beliefs? If you are unsure about any of these, I would hold off the wedding.

Why does he want to leave the country. What are his career plans? If he doesn't get a degree what will he do as a career? What is he going to study if you leave the country and how will he contribute to the household? That needs to be clear before you proceed and will you be comfortable with that? Will you be able to work if you leave the country or anything if you leave? Will you have any family near by if you leave? It kinda sounded like...you need to ask what he expects of you as a wife?

You are already 70% sure, you feel something is wrong go with your gut. The whole line a questioning, him rushing to get married and possibly leave the country to me is alarming.

 

[Jay Kast]

You've gotten to a point where you feel he is beneath you, or going to be - which eventually erodes the idea of sustained commitment from a womans standpoint (not all women).

I'm sure this all did not suddenly come out of no where, there had to be signs or hints because almost no one would do a complete 180 from their previous character without a very high chance of losing the relationship.

I.e. A married man who was always a hermit won't be able to suddenly become a social butterfly, always going out, etc without a major upset to the balance or the end of a relationship.

You feel that he is not doing what needs to be done to reach his potential, lessening his value as a character in your idea of your future.

Your mistake (in my opinion) was saying yes and committing to a man who had not become the man that you wanted to marry yet. You have unfortunately based your decision on his potential and not him.

My advice would be to either drop the relationship OR be the kind of woman that deserves the loyalty, dedication and love from a man who thinks the world of her.

The man is obviously at a point in his life where he feels unsure about which path to take - and the fact that his alternative sounds less appealing than finishing school. He's probably having doubts about his ability to provide in the future and needs some positive reinforcement from his significant other.

Instead of thinking about leaving him high and dry, you should be thinking about positively reaffirming his decision to continue school to obtain his degree.

Instead of simply letting him know that a degree-less man does bother you, perhaps you could tell him how the degree can make him feel fulfilled, give him praise for completing the classes, harp on his scholarly achievements, support him as much as possible to keep him on the right track.

It's very telling that in your thoughts of your fiance, no where do you mention anything other than finances. No mention of how he treats you, protects you, cares for you, loves you. Absolutely nothing, other than him not being as tall as you'd like. While finances are important in a marriage, its definitely NOT the most important issue - contrary to popular belief.

If this obstacle is enough to scare you, do you think you're ready for marriage?


Not trying to rail on you, just giving my honest opinion, which could come straight from the ass of a yeti.

 

[The Mad Titan]

I think I'm being trapped!! I need some advice, though I'm 70% sure I want to end this. I don't even know where to start... a little background. I'm nearly finishing my masters but he's still in education. But he works full time. That was my first mistake.

So we've been together a while and we've been planning our future. Our families have met and we're going to get married soon. So it's as official as it can get. Through out our relationship I'd asked him if he's ready to get married financially etc and he said yes. He's the one who wants to get married as soon as possible.

I asked him several times if he would be able to keep paying his uni fees ontop of everything else,married life and he's said yes he can.

In a few days he is meant to be coming to my house to 'ask for my hand'. Something we do in our culture. And this morning he started asking me what financial obligations I expect from him(even though we've already discussed this) and would I want to move to a Muslim country after I've finished my studies. Bearing in mind I'm nearly done and he's nowhere near being done.

So of course I tell him that no I wouldn't not so soon. And then he starts talking about not expecting to live in luxury because he wants to study something on the sides when he's ins muslim country. And it would be enough to support us. Which just makes me think why are you bringing living in luxury up?? If I wanted that I wouldnt even be with him because he works a standard just above minimum wage job. And I told him that's fine because I'm sure it's not long term.

And then he asks me if it would bother me if my husband didn't have a degree and I said yeah because having a good job would be difficult and the opportunity is there to get a degree and then I asked him why he asked that and he says just being curious. But I didn't believe him so few hours later I asked him if he thinks he might not finish his degree. And he says anything can happen.

And then I asked him what he means and then he said being able to pay the fees. Anything can happen, he could lose his job. And then I asked him is it a problem now? And he says not now no, and then I said Is it likely to happen and all he said is god knows best.

I've asked him what's the point of this conversation. I don't get it. Does he think I'm too far in to back away from this. Why is he springing all of this on me now? I feel like he's being dishonest, and I just want to back away but I don't know if I'm over reacting. This is going to sound so silly but I'm not even a vain person and I literally don't care about looks, the only vain thing I look for in a guy is height and he's not even that tall. such a stupid thing to even think about now.

I don't know what to do. He's been rushing to get married to me, he wanted a quickie wedding in February but I told him no. What if he just wanted to get married quickly so I would be trapped and he could spring all this bullshyt on me, I don't know.

Sorry for the essay any advice would be helpful

@ the bold


@mar... lol




But to your question, I won't say he's trying to trap you but it sure doesn't sound good. Seem's like he just wants to be comfortable.... If he asked you what you expect at this point in the relationship I assume he really plans on providing the bare minimum.

I said I wasn't gonna be giving out advice this year but i'll make an exception since this is a pretty big deal.


Finish up your schooling, and whatever you need to secure your future.
Keep what you make and what you can provide on a low...
Make sure you are good 1st and if anything happen you can be good after.


Also make sure you don't give off the vibe that money>>>all or that he's a failure if he doesn't want to do college. The college life really isn't for everyone.




But at least he's talking with you about it and didn't just marry you and then spring it all on you which shows there is some concern. IMo these are things you should know well before you get married. So maybe that's your answer right there.

 

[™BlackPearl The Empress™]

You've gotten to a point where you feel he is beneath you, or going to be - which eventually erodes the idea of sustained commitment from a womans standpoint (not all women).

I'm sure this all did not suddenly come out of no where, there had to be signs or hints because almost no one would do a complete 180 from their previous character without a very high chance of losing the relationship.

I.e. A married man who was always a hermit won't be able to suddenly become a social butterfly, always going out, etc without a major upset to the balance or the end of a relationship.

You feel that he is not doing what needs to be done to reach his potential, lessening his value as a character in your idea of your future.

Your mistake (in my opinion) was saying yes and committing to a man who had not become the man that you wanted to marry yet. You have unfortunately based your decision on his potential and not him.

My advice would be to either drop the relationship OR be the kind of woman that deserves the loyalty, dedication and love from a man who thinks the world of her.

The man is obviously at a point in his life where he feels unsure about which path to take - and the fact that his alternative sounds less appealing than finishing school. He's probably having doubts about his ability to provide in the future and needs some positive reinforcement from his significant other.

Instead of thinking about leaving him high and dry, you should be thinking about positively reaffirming his decision to continue school to obtain his degree.

Instead of simply letting him know that a degree-less man does bother you, perhaps you could tell him how the degree can make him feel fulfilled, give him praise for completing the classes, harp on his scholarly achievements, support him as much as possible to keep him on the right track.

It's very telling that in your thoughts of your fiance, no where do you mention anything other than finances. No mention of how he treats you, protects you, cares for you, loves you. Absolutely nothing, other than him not being as tall as you'd like. While finances are important in a marriage, its definitely NOT the most important issue - contrary to popular belief.

If this obstacle is enough to scare you, do you think you're ready for marriage?


Not trying to rail on you, just giving my honest opinion, which could come straight from the ass of a yeti.

Probably one of the best posts I've read on this site. Dap Rep

 

[Lady.Libra.]

The red flag - Typically when a person is pushing for a relationship/marriage at breakneck speed, they're hiding issues from you. They want you to be emotionally invested and attached so that they can use it to their advantage whenever they do decide to start revealing their issues...if they ever do. Pay attention.

 

[Ms.CuriousCat]

Some good points I'm impressed

@Jay Kast points are hard to hear but if you're open to a different perspective the man makes a valid point. Is it him and who he is that makes you want a life with him? In which case focus on supporting him be the best version of himself. Sounds like he's feeling insecure and unsure about himself and the future.

If he knows you're there for him regardless he might open up and you can plan together.

If you think he's a weasel and don't respect him then call it off.

 

[HabitualChiller]

Congratulations. You now know how about 30% of men feel

On topic: Bruh sounds bummy. Does he have any negative tendencies that you'd like to add? Is he the type of guy to always ask for handouts or favors? Does he take charge in the relationship or do you? How deep is he into school?

 

[Buttercantmelt]

Seems fishy. Based on what you said it does seem like he is trying to trap you just being honest. In the sense of trying to make major changes once you are married. At the very least you both aren't on the same page with a lot of things. There are some questions you need to ask yourself and him.

Are you sure you even want to get married right now? If he had his degree would you still have doubts about the marriage to him? Do you feel like it would be difficult for you to separate once married if you needed to because of family issues, or cultural beliefs? If you are unsure about any of these, I would hold off the wedding.

Why does he want to leave the country. What are his career plans? If he doesn't get a degree what will he do as a career? What is he going to study if you leave the country and how will he contribute to the household? That needs to be clear before you proceed and will you be comfortable with that? Will you be able to work if you leave the country or anything if you leave? Will you have any family near by if you leave? It kinda sounded like...you need to ask what he expects of you as a wife?

You are already 70% sure, you feel something is wrong go with your gut. The whole line a questioning, him rushing to get married and possibly leave the country to me is alarming.

It's not really about the degree. It's about the suddenness and last minute ness of his 360. Were practically nearly married and this is something I'm sure he would have known about prior so it makes me think he's being sly and dishonest. If he'd said from the beginning He doesn't want to have a degree and wants to just work. Then I could then have decided if that was for me or not. But now he's essentially pretended that he's going in one direction and has dropped a last minute bomb on me that I'm sure he was aware of. It's so dishonest.

The moving to another country thing is something we'd discussed and we both want to do but in the near future which is why I got alarmed when he asked if I wanted to go when I finished which is really soon.

He's been really cagey about answering if he wants to finish his studies and he didn't reply to my last message me asking him point blank. He's basically ignored it. this is so out of the blue. It's the first he's mentioning it. And he's not really answering anything about why he's thinking this. Im really shocked at this.

 

[Buttercantmelt]

You've gotten to a point where you feel he is beneath you, or going to be - which eventu

My advice would be to either drop the relationship OR be the kind of woman that deserves the loyalty, dedication and love from a man who thinks the world of her.

The man is obviously at a point in his life where he feels unsure about which path to take - and the fact that his alternative sounds less appealing than finishing school. He's probably having doubts about his ability to provide in the future and needs some positive reinforcement from his significant other.

Instead of thinking about leaving him high and dry, you should be thinking about positively reaffirming his decision to continue school to obtain his degree.

Instead of simply letting him know that a degree-less man does bother you, perhaps you could tell him how the degree can make him feel fulfilled, give him praise for completing the classes, harp on his scholarly achievements, support him as much as possible to keep him on the right track.

It's very telling that in your thoughts of your fiance, no where do you mention anything other than finances. No mention of how he treats you, protects you, cares for you, loves you. Absolutely nothing, other than him not being as tall as you'd like. While finances are important in a marriage, its definitely NOT the most important issue - contrary to popular belief.

If this obstacle is enough to scare you, do you think you're ready for marriage?


Not trying to rail on you, just giving my honest opinion, which could come straight from the ass of a yeti.

Those are all really good points however I don't feel they apply. It's probably my fault for rambling in my opening post. I haven't gotten to a point where I feel he's beneath me. I never felt that and I don't think him being degree less makes him beneath me.

It wasn't about his potential per say. We discussed our future what we want to do. He spoke about his career, how passionate he was about it. I'm talking about finances because that's the main thing that he brought up. And to be honest it worries me that someone can out of the blue decide they don't want to do something anymore without having disussed it or talked about their doubts. Where is this coming from? This morning it seemed like he made his mind up. I'm just really confused where this has come from.

He's not even willing to have a conversation about it because he's not answering things directly, and when I ask him directly he ignores it. He's literally ignoring me right now. I mentioned the tall thing because it popped into my mind. Ridiculous I know.

'No mention of how he treats you, protects you, cares for you, loves you. Absolutely nothing, other than him not'

This here doesn't apply because I'm religious and so is he. We're together but we don't live together or do things that conventional couples do. He hasn't done anything for me yet. I'm not saying he doesn't care for me or questioning any of that. There really were no hints, or any preparation for his mind change about it. It's so out of the blue. He's not even saying it point blank. I'm questioning his values more than anything. I prefer it when people are honest and straight up

 

[Buttercantmelt]

Congratulations. You now know how about 30% of men feel

On topic: Bruh sounds bummy. Does he have any negative tendencies that you'd like to add? Is he the type of guy to always ask for handouts or favors? Does he take charge in the relationship or do you? How deep is he into school?

He's not bummy at all. I just feel like crying. God it's such a mess. He's never asked for favours or hand outs it's not like that. He takes charge in the relationship. He's very 'alpha'. He didn't even want me to work but I said I want to. This is his first year. He's very much about traditional gender roles. So it's not about finances. I don't get it i really don't

 

[Buttercantmelt]

Some good points I'm impressed

@Jay Kast points are hard to hear but if you're open to a different perspective the man makes a valid point. Is it him and who he is that makes you want a life with him? In which case focus on supporting him be the best version of himself. Sounds like he's feeling insecure and unsure about himself and the future.

If he knows you're there for him regardless he might open up and you can plan together.

If you think he's a weasel and don't respect him then call it off.

I love everything else about him. Which is why I originally overlooked the part about us being in different stages of our education. Maybe he is feeling insecure this all started with him asking if it's something I really want in a guy and I said yeah. Now he's not even talking about it and is ignoring me. How are we meant to talk about something if he's not even going to talk to me.

I had a really horrible relationship in the past where the guy was controlling and emotionally abuse and would flip flop on issues and I told myself I'd never put myself through It again that's why i initially just wanted to end it. I don't know what to do.

 

[Buttercantmelt]

The red flag - Typically when a person is pushing for a relationship/marriage at breakneck speed, they're hiding issues from you. They want you to be emotionally invested and attached so that they can use it to their advantage whenever they do decide to start revealing their issues...if they ever do. Pay attention.

This is what I feel is haopening!!!!!! I didn't want to be with someone that wasn't established and stable but when I met him I decided i could wait for him to establish himself. Similarly if I met a guy that didn't go uni or didn't want to but had a plan I could decide to go for that. But to sell me one thing for ages and then last minute say something else. It freaks me out. How can I even trust you

 

[Buttercantmelt]

@ the bold


@mar... lol




But to your question, I won't say he's trying to trap you but it sure doesn't sound good. Seem's like he just wants to be comfortable.... If he asked you what you expect at this point in the relationship I assume he really plans on providing the bare minimum.

I said I wasn't gonna be giving out advice this year but i'll make an exception since this is a pretty big deal.


Finish up your schooling, and whatever you need to secure your future.
Keep what you make and what you can provide on a low...
Make sure you are good 1st and if anything happen you can be good after.


Also make sure you don't give off the vibe that money>>>all or that he's a failure if he doesn't want to do college. The college life really isn't for everyone.




But at least he's talking with you about it and didn't just marry you and then spring it all on you which shows there is some concern. IMo these are things you should know well before you get married. So maybe that's your answer right there.

It really isn't about the money. He wouldn't be earning all of that to begin with Anyway and I was marrying him. I'd be earnin more than him, it doesn't bother me, he's not talking to me about it. He's slyly mentioned it round about and it has been sprung on me just before we're gonna be as official as it can get. And he's not even talking to me about it I asked him directly if he wants to leave and how he feels about it. Read and ignored since 18.00

 

[GoldCoastSaint]

Run, dont walk.