Thanks breh. I've scared my own family before with this kinda stuff (as I'm sure you have as well).
I plan to post some threads documenting my experiences with hallucinations, exploding head syndrome, social isolation and what it's like to be disassociated from reality. Oh the stories
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Please understand that your life is as unique as a fingerprint...more so, even.
I tend to believe every life is like it's own universe in the sense that no one will ever perceive the world in the way Oran "Juice" Jones perceives it.
Think about what that actually means. If your life were to end, it would be as if, from your perspective, the entire universe the way YOU perceive it, ends. You may not be in control of the various elements having a pull on your life but you are in control of very important aspects of how and what you perceive.
You have the entire universe in your perspective - whether there is some spiritual element to that or not, it's beautiful and you should know that as screwed up as the world is, even on an anonymous forum such as the Coli where people can be callous and cruel, people actually care about you, breh.
You are a human being like all of us, like me, and because we share that, I hope the best for you, as my relative.
It's an everyday struggle but I want you to keep fighting and get all the support you need to get to a happy space.
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A bit more personal on my end -
I was in a very dark place when both my brother and mother died within the same 1 year and half span.
I wrote this when I started to fully grasp why my life should be important to me after understanding that by having a family and people I care about - they are a big reason for my existence having purpose.
I hope it gives you some comfort. Maybe it could be a child, a significant other or a pet or friend - find purpose within yourself and find purpose by being something to someone.