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nice that you got her to follow through and she can capitalize on her talent even if it is not a career
The Official Parenting Thread
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nice that you got her to follow through and she can capitalize on her talent even if it is not a career
murksiderock
Superstar
Well, my two oldest daughters were born February 2017 and October 2018, a gap of 20 months. Wasn't planned to have the second one so soon after the first, just having reckless raw sex. We had a miscarriage in Fall '17 actually, so had that one survived we would have had a baby sometime in Summer '18...
My girlfriend's sons were born in September 2015 and January 2017, a span of 16 months. Her story is she and the boys' father were split up after the birth of the oldest child, and had sex one time after his birth when he was around 6 months give or take, and boom, she's pregnant with the younger boy...
So yeah our kids combined go:
Boy, September 2015
(16 months)
Boy, January 2017
(1 month)
Girl, February 2017
(20 months)
Girl, October 2018
(35 months)
Girl, due date 9/22/21
They are all pretty close in age; we jokingly call her youngest son and my oldest daughter "The Twins". But honestly I'd prefer them closer in age than more spread out. Chances are higher for tighter sibling bonds, and they'll go thru comparable experiences at similar ages...
I get your point on having them so close not being able to give all the attention, but for me that's a small casualty of parenting. At some point each child will have to get used to various levels of attention anyway, and at some point each child will learn that they can't be the sole focus of attention anyway. They'll be okay...
Meant cosleeping, my bad! Any thoughts?
.................
So we had a conversation this morning on feeding and girl's nails. Good convos, not contentious, but slightly worrisome in our opposing views...
Her boys, she feeds all day long. Literally all day long, their feeding schedule generally goes breakfast, 3+ snacks, lunch, 3+ snacks, dinner, then at least one snack afterwards, sometimes more. Oftentimes the boys are going to sleep with food and drink on their person/bed, as their final snack of the night...
My perspective, they eat too much. For one the oldest boy is fat, overweight for his age and it certainly doesn't mean he'll stay that way, but her family is a big-boned family. She'd be considered overweight for her height (5'5/5'6), her mom is 56 and obese, she has a 29-year old brother who's around 5'10 and 400 pounds, and she has a 17-year old sister who is around 5'7/5'8 and already pretty healthily built at her age. The sister isn't obese but I'm sure she'd probably be considered technically overweight...
So even just as a precaution, knowing obesity and weight issues run in her family, I think she feeds them too much on that alone. They don't need 10 snack times per day. Aside from that, they don't get a ton of activity. If I don't take the boys out, she only does sparingly. Outside of school, they spend about 99% of their time in the house, mostly at hers or her mom's (sometimes at another relative's), and most of that indoor time is spent in front of a TV, phone, or tablet, which I'll touch on more later...
She's also really liberal with messiness, which we both recognize kids are dirty, but at our children's ages you can build responsibility and discipline into them. So on the eating part, she let's them eat themselves to sleep often, and even during daytime hours, she's not consistent with making them clean up after themselves. Opposite from me...
Now, to these points, she explains that she feeds them so much because she has an open door eating policy, she not gonna starve her kids. Also the 4-year old boy is a really picky eater, so that's part if her thing, and she normally only gives them an entree at mealtimes, no sides, so snacking throughout the day makes up for no sides at mealtime...
The time spent indoors and on devices isn't an issue to her, they are kids and if we had these things as kids we'd be all on em too (her response). They don't leave home a ton because she says home is her "comfort place" of peace, even though I challenge leaving the boys inside and on devices so often. The messiness, again she retorts she grew up in a household of 5 kids, kids are dirty, and she isn't gonna stress herself overworking to clean after kids. When I've said teach them to clean after themselves, she just shrugs that off, though in her defense she's done this more in the 8 months or so I've been around the boys...
On the opposing side, I give the girls full meals, entrees plus sides, been in the habit of this since they were young. I generally give a snack between meals, maybe two if they events if the day dictate a late lunch or dinner. And a dessert or snack substitute occasionally after dinner, at least an hour before bed...
My 4-year old is a picky eater too, and like this morning, sometimes I give them honeybuns or muffins for breakfast because i know she'll eat it, and those are "any meal" type foods. Her beef is that those are sugary foods and not suitable for breakfast, and that my daughters don't always finish their entrees/meals because I give too many options...
I'm more adventurous than she is, so that explains me taking kids out more (mostly to parks, occasionally museums). But I also feel like children need a wider range of activity than sitting at home every day, all day, and I'm not a fan of tablets and phones---->my girls have an IPAD at their mother's but I doubt they use it often, and I rarely let them play on my phone. TV is on fairly often but I have "no TV" times where they gotta do something else, and I read to them, abd even though they can't read, they "read" to each other and have an interest in books, neither of which characteristics apply to her sons...
The cleanliness, I'm just not into teaching kids responsibility. When they are old enough to feed themselves, they are old enough to be taught to clean behind themselves, and because they are kids cleaning habits aren't A+ so it's the parent's job to check after them. I hate a dirty home, her thing is when I get around to cleaning, I get around to it...
Any opinions on differing parenting styles or coparenting as a couple?
@murksiderock
To be honest she sounds lazy and unstructured and it will eventually bite her her and her kids in the ass. Those boys sounds like they are on the way to living in her basement still at 40.
You can have an "open food" policy without having an open refrigerator one. Like back in the my mom would always say they had one option for meals, but growing up she would make a few different choices. However, the kitchen was closed, dishes washed and floor mopped after dinner. You took your ass to sleep and waited until breakfast for it to open again.
The cleaning thing again, goes back to a lack of structure growing up. My grandmother had 5 kids, worked 2nd shift and left those negros a list of chores to complete while at work. If it wasn't done, she was whipping ass out of their sleep. Even when I spent weekends as a little girl I had a chore.
To be honest she sounds lazy and unstructured and it will eventually bite her her and her kids in the ass. Those boys sounds like they are on the way to living in her basement still at 40.
You can have an "open food" policy without having an open refrigerator one. Like back in the my mom would always say they had one option for meals, but growing up she would make a few different choices. However, the kitchen was closed, dishes washed and floor mopped after dinner. You took your ass to sleep and waited until breakfast for it to open again.
The cleaning thing again, goes back to a lack of structure growing up. My grandmother had 5 kids, worked 2nd shift and left those negros a list of chores to complete while at work. If it wasn't done, she was whipping ass out of their sleep. Even when I spent weekends as a little girl I had a chore.
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murksiderock
Superstar
She is lazy and unstructured, yet highly critical of other people and their lifestyle habits!
I called her "dirty" once and she lost it, could tell it hurt her, and our relationship has since gotten better. I dont use that word anymore and her cleanliness has shown improvement over time, but it certainly isn't at my standards of cleanliness. Herself, her person, isn't dirty, so I don't get why the home is...
I always looked at the "well it was 5 of us and kids are gonna be messy anyway" shyt as a cop out. I've spent well enough times around her now, and having kids if my own, habits are formed and behaviors are taught thru BOTH actions and nonaction...
You ain't even met her boys and hit the nail on the head. She's convinced her 4-year old is gonna be some ladies man, and this morning she was on that again, and again I told her the boy gonna have "mommy issues". She says mommy/daddy issues only arise when you don't have one; my response is the boy is coddled, and she excuses everything for him* (more below), he is not gonna know how to deal with women who aren't his mother if she doesn't change on this. But my girlfriend is defiant, her response is the boys up under their mothers learn how to treat women the best...
**this past Thursday, she got an email from her child's pre-K teacher that he opened a fence at school and took off running after repeated requests to stand in line and stop running and come back. Mom's response? "Why is the fence/gate small enough for him to reach? Why is he in position to take off running?"
Nothing said to her son about disobeying orders at school, and when I said this to her, she was nonchalant, on some "yes he needs to listen, but" type shyt...
I literally have a laundry list of examples I can give about her boys. No you hit the nail on the head, unless her parenting evolves or they get strong influences from elsewhere, they in some trouble and I think any mature, experienced mind can see it. This lil dude is not gonna be able to relate to any woman who not his mom, he runs over her. I'm convinced he's at least slightly Autistic, she got him tested and it said nah, but he's got some signs. Even if he was, and again the county said he isnt, it isn't a moderate or severe form anyway, the larger problem is exactly as you said, lack of structure and discipline...
Different issues with the older boy but all rooted in the same place...
She's about to stress herself out with her lack of parenting. Just getting a call in the middle of the work day can throw everything off, but if they expel/disenroll him altogether, it will be a scramble to find a new center and he will most likely get put out of that one too.
It's one thing to be a "mommy's boy" and another to be coddled. Men who are up under their mothers usually make the worst men. They are the ones who have been referred to as "man of the house" since 12 years old, with no resources or training to back it up, so as a adult he's just a bum constantly awaiting direction to take the lead.
I agree completely with your perspective. You are getting a front row seat to someone about ruin their fukking kids and you're genuinely concerned about it. But it also seems like you're tolerating a lot of behavior that just doesn't sit right with you. Do you think these things will eventually be a deal breaker or you're just venting to make sure you're not crazy?
murksiderock
Superstar
I'm tolerating it while trying to spread my influence. I dont know if you remember Amy of my previous threads, but the thing is since I understand that my youngest daughter shares a parent with these boys, she is subject to some of the same influences and irresponsible parenting...
Because of this, I feel a sense of responsibility for the boys. By "responsibility", in this case not in the same complete sense as my three daughters, but there is going to be overlap here. I have to point out things or make a topic if conversation about things in order to 1, try to ensure a different outcome for my daughter by the time she gets their ages (and older), and 2, try to maintain a responsible presence since the boys' are absent their father. And of course, I have no crystal ball to determine when, if ever, he decides to be part of his kids lives. I was a little boy once. Obviously I don't know these kids as well as their mom does, but there's a thread of relatability I think I have just from being the same gender, and being a little boy who was friends and hung out with boys who grew to men...
So I have to try to do my part, I'm gonna be in my daughter's life and I feel the weight of what it could do if the boys see me acting different towards their sister(s) than I do with them. So, when I'm around, these little muhfukkas know to clean up after themselves, they know they have to ask for permission to do certain things, they have to wipe the toilet seat when they pee on it, etc. I'm sure you see where my train of thought is going. Their mother and I probably won't be together forever, but they'll see my presence on their sister forever. So I gotta try to help them as much as I can while I'm around them, their mom and I have discussed this and I think she's appreciative of it, but ultimately she's the keyholder of influence and credibility to them, and I've tried to help her see that setting boundaries is her responsibility...
She's raising boys that are entitled and going to struggle with authority and women as they age, and at some point, the "honeymoon" ends. Some of these behaviors are cute while small children. You get older, the schools, other kids, other adults, girls once dating comes around, the patience for these behaviors runs thinner to running out completely...
I was a kid who got in trouble at school alot. The older you get there's gonna be real penalties for not listening, because the not listening behaviors get worse. And it hits you in the wallet and in your time to provide for them as you mentioned...
She doesn't see this because she lacks the emotional maturity to reach outwards. She's 27 and was an entitled child and grew to an entitled adult, she was the first girl with three older brothers, her only sister being a decade younger, so she was doted on and coddled, and grew up watching two of her brothers run over her parents...
So she like all of us, is a product of her upbringing, she just doesn't yet know how to change some of the worse aspects of her youth so she doesn't repeat mistakes with her own kids. And I don't say this as a guy who finds himself to be a perfect parent, but I do feel like my 32 years has given me a level of life experience and maturity she hasn't reached yet...
Her sister is 17 and really entitled; her closest in age brother is the 29 year old, 400 pound one who lives in the same housing projects as their mom, like 5 buildings away. He doesn't work, pays $25/month in rent, doesn't have a phone, doesn't leave the home, and isn't interested in working because it would mean he'd have to pay actual rent or make too much to be allowed in public housing...
Her 34-year old brother I haven't met, but the story is he's a deadbeat to his 11-year old son, and he couch surfing because he never keeps a job. Her 36-year old brother is the shining example so far, only thing I can say about him is he keeps a dirty home too so there's a pattern that leads to a logical hypothesis of where laziness in cleaning your home comes from...
Despite all this, her and mine's relationship has improved over time, but my biggest issue is the parenting, still. It's EASY to slap TVs and phones and tablets in front of your kids, it takes the work from you. It's EASY to not teach them relatively easy seeds of responsibility like cleaning after themselves, respecting boundaries and adult conversation, wiping they piss off toilets, because this means you actually working to instill discipline in them----->she believes schools should teach discipline and we disagree on this, this train of thought is mind-boggling to me...
She thinks just fostering her kids with unending love is all they need, that's her and her siblings and look where it's at...
So yeah, I'm concerned about the boys and her weak parenting skills. And yes, I do think it can be a deal breaker eventually, I can't control everything but the nonchalant parenting isn't a real thing long term for me, won't do it. Her money management is trash too and that could eventually end us, too. But right now I do care enough to put in the efforts u mentioned above...
Her boys are not on a track to be productive men and I know some of the signs, I was a boy once, a teenage boy once, a young man who struggled with authority once. I've been around boys/men like this who were friends or housed with them incarcerated, I know where these things go. But I'm more introspective, I'm more analytical, I'm more inquisitive and critical of my own actions as a parent. The boys in some trouble long term, I'm just trying to do the best I can in the interim...
@murksiderock
You're a good dude and your perspective and overall the way you're moving is admiral. Without her willingness to change or do things differently, this is basically going to remain a source of contention and like you said you just do the best you can to be a good influence on them until whatever happens. It's just absolute madness to me that you actually having discussions about what appears to be common sense parenting.
You're a good dude and your perspective and overall the way you're moving is admiral. Without her willingness to change or do things differently, this is basically going to remain a source of contention and like you said you just do the best you can to be a good influence on them until whatever happens. It's just absolute madness to me that you actually having discussions about what appears to be common sense parenting.
murksiderock
Superstar
I began the process of separating my daughters from her boys and I just need some reassurance I'm doing the right thing from you guys here!
Biggest thing is the hitting! Her youngest son, who is now 5, has had a problem with hitting my daughters since he met them, and hitting other kids in general. To be fair, there was a healthy stretch of 6-7 months that it rarely happened, probably happened less than 5 times in that stretch, and then inexplicably picked back up around early November and has been a continuous issue since. His mother offers no hypothesis as to why this is; my guess is maybe it's tied to the class he's in---->he's in an IEP pre-K class of other 4-5 year olds who have various behavioral issues, and maybe seeing other children hit at school has crafted an image to him that it's okay to hit...
That's understandable but for the fact that his mother has done nothing to eliminate the hitting, even after reports of him hitting at school. This is a whole other story I may get to later, but as it concerns my daughters, he knows hitting is wrong. She doesn't want me to spank him. So it's been about a month since we spent a weekend there because I don't trust her to parent the hitting out of the boy; its been about a month since the last hitting incident because I'm only taking the girls there sparingly. Our kids met each other in December 2020. The last hitting incident was February 2022. It does not take 14 months to parent that shot out of a 4-turned-5 year old and my best option I've felt is to take matters into my own hands to protect my daughters...
Am I right or wrong? Other reasons I've begun separating the girls is because her and my relationship is clearly fizzling out, we're probably in the "last hour" of this thing so to speak, and I don't want it to be a sudden break from the boys and my girlfriend. Relationship still may be salvageable but I dont know if I have the energy for it. Also I noticed over time that, because I only get my oldest daughters on first three weekends, and spend a lot of time with her and her children throughout the week, bringing my daughters to her home on weekends was creating even less time than I already have with my daughters. I was less attentive, less active and engaged with them because I'm still spreading it between 5 kids, and doing things less frequently with them than is customary like reading or taking them out...
So part of that separation has been to get back more time with the girls...
But I am insecure and not sure I'm handling this all appropriately. I can give more details if needed or of asked nut from what I have shared, am I making the correct decision?
Biggest thing is the hitting! Her youngest son, who is now 5, has had a problem with hitting my daughters since he met them, and hitting other kids in general. To be fair, there was a healthy stretch of 6-7 months that it rarely happened, probably happened less than 5 times in that stretch, and then inexplicably picked back up around early November and has been a continuous issue since. His mother offers no hypothesis as to why this is; my guess is maybe it's tied to the class he's in---->he's in an IEP pre-K class of other 4-5 year olds who have various behavioral issues, and maybe seeing other children hit at school has crafted an image to him that it's okay to hit...
That's understandable but for the fact that his mother has done nothing to eliminate the hitting, even after reports of him hitting at school. This is a whole other story I may get to later, but as it concerns my daughters, he knows hitting is wrong. She doesn't want me to spank him. So it's been about a month since we spent a weekend there because I don't trust her to parent the hitting out of the boy; its been about a month since the last hitting incident because I'm only taking the girls there sparingly. Our kids met each other in December 2020. The last hitting incident was February 2022. It does not take 14 months to parent that shot out of a 4-turned-5 year old and my best option I've felt is to take matters into my own hands to protect my daughters...
Am I right or wrong? Other reasons I've begun separating the girls is because her and my relationship is clearly fizzling out, we're probably in the "last hour" of this thing so to speak, and I don't want it to be a sudden break from the boys and my girlfriend. Relationship still may be salvageable but I dont know if I have the energy for it. Also I noticed over time that, because I only get my oldest daughters on first three weekends, and spend a lot of time with her and her children throughout the week, bringing my daughters to her home on weekends was creating even less time than I already have with my daughters. I was less attentive, less active and engaged with them because I'm still spreading it between 5 kids, and doing things less frequently with them than is customary like reading or taking them out...
So part of that separation has been to get back more time with the girls...
But I am insecure and not sure I'm handling this all appropriately. I can give more details if needed or of asked nut from what I have shared, am I making the correct decision?
You are doing the right thing by protecting your girls, and if you are not continuing the relationship then there’s nothing more to worry about and it’s not worth subjecting them and yourself to an uncomfortable situation.
On the flip side if you do want to continue seeing her you gotta consider that kids, especially boys can and will do inexplicably dumb stuff. Unless the mom is actively encouraging the hitting, you shouldn’t blame her so much for his behavior. Sometimes kids just don’t fukkin listen especially at 5 years old. It can and does take lots of time fix behavior in some kids and as her partner, sometimes you gotta take the bad with the good. In which case it would not be a good idea to kinda hold your presence on weekends hostage. Kids need routine. If he is ever gonna stop hitting your girls they need a routine of how and when they are gonna interact.
My son had a hitting and behavioral problem at that age too. I’m still not sure why. He’s 12 now and pretty much a perfect young man. Still has a temper but has learned how to curve it. It took years of us working at it with him and eventually it just clicked.
So yeah, if the relationship is going nowhere, get yourself and your girls the hell out of there. If you want to continue the relationship you gotta look at it more as your problem too, and play a more supportive and less accusatory role.
murksiderock
Superstar
This is more valuable than I can tell you. Thank you, fam!
A few questions/comments:
•what methods or actions did you take to reduce and eliminate your son's hitting?
She got her son tested two years ago for autism and the results were negative, but she believes he's autistic to at least a mild degree. She hasn't specifically blamed his hitting on being autistic, but she has hinted at it; she also has a friend who is a degreed psychiatrist and her friend thinks my girlfriend's son is ADHD, so she heavily relies on her friend's opinion. And it's frustrated me when she has danced towards insinuating that his hitting is a disorder cause, because he doesn't always hit people, and he doesn't hit everyone...
He knows it's wrong. My perspective is that she is unbelievably weak at parenting and establishing behavioral control and responsibility for her kids, and it shows with her oldest son in areas too (he's now 6). Your advice to be less accusatory is something I want to heed, but is an area of weakness for me when I've repeatedly watched her only really address his hitting when I say something...
For my part I counsel him when he does it, I've lightly popped his hand or butt, I've made him stand in a corner, but I can only do so much. There isn't a consistent source of discipline for him or an establishment that there is consequences to the hitting from his mother, she won't even address the problem of hitting at school until forced to have conversations with his teacher...
He's getting tested in April by a neurologist, as his school has stated they "don't understand why" he hits and pouts and shyt. But of course they won't, they don't see the boy everyday and don't really know how his mother parents him---->he does that shyt because he can get away with it...
So if I'm being too judgemental please let me know, and please let me know what methods you took to curb your son's hitting!
•I don't really want to continue the relationship but the other part of it is that I'm going to run into an issue of seeing my youngest daughter who I had on September 20 with her. She's vindictive, arrogant, and selfish, my girlfriend is. I'm already dealing with this from my oldest children's mother. I don't want to have to fight simultaneously with another woman...
I understand parents don't have to agree on everything but there are a few big things I really find hard to negotiate even further. Her oldest son has been in trouble every week since school started for offenses from punching a kid in the stomach and tripping a little girl, to consistently disrupting class, to talking and standing when he isn't supposed to, and guess what the penalty for this constant misbehavior has been?
A talking to with threats of "whipping your ass" but nothing else. He fukked up all week his birthday week and still got all his gifts, his party, etc. He gets in trouble and still gets to come home and play after his mini-lecture. No enforcement that there are consequences for his actions...
It's tough to witness this and be with her, with the limited capacity of what I can do to straighten him up, combined with her mother's nosey and own lackadaisical ass. Because I have a strong hunch on where this style of parenting is leading the boys, and I care about them. But it's tough to idly sit here watching it unfold believing the results of all of this are gonna come out very loudly in the years to come, so the only thing I can figure is to slowly separate myself from my relationship with her and them...
I do not wanna be around when shyt gets really ugly in the years to come; I'd have no problem sticking around if I was given more of a hand on raising them...
Am I too judgmental on this or am I right?
@Booksnrain , I know you aren't a parent but your background in education, can you give me any educated guess on the behaviors of these children and what parents could or should do with children like this? I've mentioned before, I don't think kids are bad, certainly not at 5 and 6----->I think kids at these younger ages especially are reflections of how they are allowed to speak and behave at home. I also think these early ages are the stages that these problems are more easily corrected, with strong guidance and responsible parenting. Am I too naive in what I feel my own strengths are as a parent?
I grew up with an autistic brother. Jes now a 34-year old autistic man next month. There was a longer leash with him on certain things, but he didn't have autonomy to do whatever he wanted around the house and he was corralled when he was acting up, he was taught structure and discipline. We both were which is very different from what I've witnessed with my woman's kids...
Just like to know if you have an educated guess on this stuff! Also please explain "IEP" to me. They are checking next month as well to see if the younger boy needs to be placed in a different level of IEP class or if he'd benefit from a regular classroom setting when he starts kindergarten next year...
Just constant and consistent correction/reinforcement. Lots of timeouts and/or taking his stuff away like toys/games etc. And most importantly talking to him and treating him as the growing human he is. Yelling and hitting dont work in this situation from my experience. Y’all gotta sit him down and let him know how scary it is to your girls and other kids when he behaves like that. Tell him how bad it makes his mom and his teachers feel. Talk to him about adhd, and what that may mean for his life. The pills he may have to take, and/or the way he will be treated with a diagnosis. I know he’s young, but he will definitely understand.
One thing I did and still do with my son is record him when he’s having the behavior. Then play it back for him so he can see first hand how crazy/mean/scary he looks to other people. It’s gonna take lots of work, but it can be done. And you don’t need Drs or counseling etc. Reality is, if he does or doesn’t have ADHD it doesn’t really matter. He’s got to find a way to navigate the world in a healthy/productive way with however his brain is wired. And he’s got to understand that.
This is probably true. Some people/parents are just like that. As the partner, if this is one of your strengths, you gotta take charge and assert your will on the family. Tell her you know it’s a weakness of hers, and also tell her you are committed to taking charge of that side of things. Make her commit to allowing you to do what you need to do, to steer y’all in the correct direction.
I’m not totally against hitting and harsh punishment, but from my experience it’s not gonna work on its own. Obviously in the act ain’t nothing much you can do but whoop their ass and send them to their room. But from my experience, this isn’t what’s gonna fix the behavior in the long term. Gotta go way deeper than that, and even positive reinforcement when you don’t believe he deserves it can go a long way.
Consistency is most important. It’s probably uncomfortable for her but moms gotta commit and get on board with very actively trying to change the behavior, even if that is just deferring to you and backing you up if she isn’t strong enough to do it herself.
He’s gotta know you two are a team and are trying to help him. It’s not just you being “mean” to him.
Schools can’t wait to diagnose our kids (I’m assuming he’s black, and that makes it even worse) they get money, and they get an excuse not to work so hard to fix his behavior. They get to write it off as a “disorder” and it becomes the kids identity. And even the kid looses hope that they will ever be ok. I hate that outcome. If you can, don’t let them box that boy in. He can be so much more.
You guys shouldn’t be waiting on a diagnosis or even caring about one, cause ultimately you gotta guide him anyway. As you said he knows right from wrong so he’s not too far on whatever spectrum they want to put him on. He’s just gotta learn self control.
You gotta do some soul searching breh. It ain’t worth it to stay together if you are miserable. If these things can’t be fixed, you are better off being happy and healthy apart than you are miserable together. You gotta put yourself in the best position to raise that newborn. If that’s apart then you gotta do what you gotta do. Reality is you gone be stuck dealing with her shyt either way. Might as well do it in a way that’s most healthy for you.
You really gotta sit down and ask yourself what are you getting out of the relationship, and if whatever that is, is worth the difficulty of making the relationship work. Every woman has their shyt, you gotta figure out which “shyt” you can take
I’d say yes, you are being a little too judgmental. He’s only 5 years old. Some kids are just hard. You may have gotten lucky with your other kids, so you don’t know what it’s like to struggle with a kid that just won’t do right. Imagine if it was your daughter doing this stuff despite your best efforts (even if your efforts weren’t “the best”)and all you got was judgement from your partner. shyts got to be hard on her, to keep hearing from everyone how fukked up her son is. She probably feels she’s protecting him at this point.
If you decide to make it work, try to look at your own behavior as well and try to fix the things you can with yourself. Sit her down and make her understand you guys are a team and you NEED to be on the same page for the sake of the kids and your own well-being.
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murksiderock
Superstar
New circumstance I'm in and I need some real help. Any and all advice is appreciated...
So my youngest daughter's mother, the one I was talking about in here previously, says I can't see my daughter. The relationship ended back in early
December and since then, there's been a ton of drama. We just had maybe our last conversation for a good while. And it wasn't a good one, my voice was raised and I was arguing in front of the children (I didn't curse or call her out her name)...
I can't see my daughter until I take her to court. I don't have that money on hand at this time and to be honest, maybe the raw emotion talking, it isn't a priority. This would be the second time I've had to fight with a woman to see my child and my energy isn't there yet. I'm emotionally spent, and I'm kind of, of the mind to let shyt rock. I'm not begging this chick to see my child when she knows I want to see her, and I'm not rushing to no courthouse. I've gotta let her do her thing, she doesn't want me around my child, she'll get her way until I'm completely budgeted to go to court...
I need to really take a breath, because I'm full of all kinds of emotions. And I'm on a real journey of self so that I am learning everything I've done wrong to instigate these scenarios, and also to stop attracting these kinds of women...
My daughter with her is only 16 months. I love her, I want her. But I'm going to miss her, and until I can clear my head and make non-emotional, well thought out decisions, I can't keep fighting with her mom. Any brothers ever had this situation fall on them, how did you respond, and even if you haven't been in it, what's the best course of action?
I can give more details as needed to elicit the best responses yall can give. Any and all advice is welcome...
So my youngest daughter's mother, the one I was talking about in here previously, says I can't see my daughter. The relationship ended back in early
December and since then, there's been a ton of drama. We just had maybe our last conversation for a good while. And it wasn't a good one, my voice was raised and I was arguing in front of the children (I didn't curse or call her out her name)...
I can't see my daughter until I take her to court. I don't have that money on hand at this time and to be honest, maybe the raw emotion talking, it isn't a priority. This would be the second time I've had to fight with a woman to see my child and my energy isn't there yet. I'm emotionally spent, and I'm kind of, of the mind to let shyt rock. I'm not begging this chick to see my child when she knows I want to see her, and I'm not rushing to no courthouse. I've gotta let her do her thing, she doesn't want me around my child, she'll get her way until I'm completely budgeted to go to court...
I need to really take a breath, because I'm full of all kinds of emotions. And I'm on a real journey of self so that I am learning everything I've done wrong to instigate these scenarios, and also to stop attracting these kinds of women...
My daughter with her is only 16 months. I love her, I want her. But I'm going to miss her, and until I can clear my head and make non-emotional, well thought out decisions, I can't keep fighting with her mom. Any brothers ever had this situation fall on them, how did you respond, and even if you haven't been in it, what's the best course of action?
I can give more details as needed to elicit the best responses yall can give. Any and all advice is welcome...
Depreciating Asset
Please pawg responsibly
The impact of losing access to one of your parents even at 16 months is traumatic for your daughter. For her sake you need to do what you can to see her on a consistent basis. Whether that is a cease fire with your ex or legal action, the price for your daughter is steeper than you think.
I speak from experience. My daughter was 18 months when I moved out of the house. She is almost 8 now and it is clearly to me that the disruption was significant for her psyche. She is less well adjusted than my younger children because she experienced losing access to me.
I have drama with my ex for SURE but she can't deny for a second the importance and impact of having me in her daughter's life.
I know I am making it sound easy but what is more important than nurturing and molding your child? If you need to get yourself together do that on the days you don't have her. Even you at 60% means the world to her well being.
I speak from experience. My daughter was 18 months when I moved out of the house. She is almost 8 now and it is clearly to me that the disruption was significant for her psyche. She is less well adjusted than my younger children because she experienced losing access to me.
I have drama with my ex for SURE but she can't deny for a second the importance and impact of having me in her daughter's life.
I know I am making it sound easy but what is more important than nurturing and molding your child? If you need to get yourself together do that on the days you don't have her. Even you at 60% means the world to her well being.
murksiderock
Superstar
I know this, and I agree with all of this. And I appreciate you fir reinforcing this...
I'm just heartbroken right now. I'm spent. I went thru a similar thing with my two oldest daughters' mom. Women who threaten you with your child(ren), act as if we are supposed to just take this shyt and like it. Just take it and accept it, just take it like it has no emotional impact on us...
And for me, it just does, bro. Threatening me with my ability to see my child fukking hurts. They are that important to me. And I have the fight in me, I fought for time with my oldest girls (and still fighting somewhat). My oldest girls were 3 and 17 months when me and their mother broke up. I didn't see them for exactly 45 days and when I did see them again it was on an every other week basis, and I noticed instantly how this impacted them...
I have the fight in me, and I'm going to fight. I need a little while to decompress and truly get over this shyt, rebuild my energy for what's to come. I know my girl needs me in her life, and I know she needs me to fight for that, and to fight for her. I'll be okay in a few days or few weeks...
I appreciate the feedback though, because I've bottled this up besides venting here. I'm not quitting, I guess I'm just pausing. I'm angry and hurt and worn out. But I'm not quitting...
Don’t be her