What should be the dating time minimum (months/years) before getting married?

[Easy-E]

Oh yeah and guess you missed the post where i said communication. Is the most important thing when considering marriage.

before you make assumptions about me, just know that I am married and I am not part of this "shaking up" crowd you speak of.

I more than anyone else in this thread understand what it takes to be married and have a successful happy life with another person. In here debating this issue we have a single mother, and a college frat boy, talking about what should/shouldnt be done in marriage. I'd say my advice is much more relevant than theirs.

The reason I brought up those trivial things is because they are trivial, but living together they could cause problems. You'll never know how you will handle someone constantly leaving the seat up until you've delt with it.

I also know its unrealistic to say that you can date someone for 2 years then get engaged with someone for 2 more years and never live together until after the wedding.

With that said ill ask you this, would you propose to a woman and still insist that you live sepertely until the wedding.

Yes.

With that said; you are the one married and not me. But, yes is the answer.

 

[MeachTheMonster]

Yes.

With that said; you are the one married and not me. But, yes is the answer.

From my expierinces, I think that is an unrealistic expectation, and I think it's a mistake.

I'll give you a scenario. My wife and I knew each other for 7 years before we moved in together. Back then I would have told you that i know everything there is to know about her, we were happy and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Moving in together was an entirely different story. We had too many problems over superficial shyt that doesn't even matter in real life. Socks on the floor, too much perfume, put the top on the toothpaste, ect.

Luckily we were able to stick together and work through those problems, now we don't even think about them. The problem is, some people can't work through those problems. It sounds silly to you, but some people just can't live with a person who's gonna leave the top off the toothpaste, or spray perfume all over the house. In my opinion it's more beneficial to live with a person and figure these types of trivial things out before you get married. That way the marriage can be all happy and progress as opposed to figuring out these things and maybe coming to the conclusion that you can't live with them.

 

[Rawtid]

before you make assumptions about me, just know that I am married and I am not part of this "shaking up" crowd you speak of.

I more than anyone else in this thread understand what it takes to be married and have a successful happy life with another person. In here debating this issue we have a single mother, and a college frat boy, talking about what should/shouldnt be done in marriage. I'd say my advice is much more relevant than theirs.

The reason I brought up those trivial things is because they are trivial, but living together they could cause problems. You'll never know how you will handle someone constantly leaving the seat up until you've delt with it.

I also know its unrealistic to say that you can date someone for 2 years then get engaged with someone for 2 more years and never live together until after the wedding.

With that said ill ask you this, would you propose to a woman and still insist that you live sepertely until the wedding.

I don't think your advice is relevant at all considering I don't feel the same way you do about how the living situation should progress in a marriage. Again, I'm happy that it worked for you but I still think it was foolish and a risk to "play" marriage before actually doing it.

I think the reason people get tired of each other so quickly is that they've progressed through their relationships at lightening speed. There is a time to live together and I just feel that after marriage is the only time. Maybe because I referred to it as foolish that you've appeared defensive, but I do feel strongly about it. It's way more important to me than finding out he drinks out the carton.

I also think it's important for both partners to be able to support themselves before progressing to living together. As I mentioned before, a lot of couples live together to save costs or to upgrade a current living situation. But if you're doing that dependent on someone else, that's a recipe for disaster. Plus learning someone is not good with their finances is NOT a good place to be if you're still trying to get your feet on solid ground.

 

[malbaker86]

From my expierinces, I think that is an unrealistic expectation, and I think it's a mistake.

I'll give you a scenario. My wife and I knew each other for 7 years before we moved in together. Back then I would have told you that i know everything there is to know about her, we were happy and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Moving in together was an entirely different story. We had too many problems over superficial shyt that doesn't even matter in real life. Socks on the floor, too much perfume, put the top on the toothpaste, ect.

Luckily we were able to stick together and work through those problems, now we don't even think about them. The problem is, some people can't work through those problems. It sounds silly to you, but some people just can't live with a person who's gonna leave the top off the toothpaste, or spray perfume all over the house. In my opinion it's more beneficial to live with a person and figure these types of trivial things out before you get married. That way the marriage can be all happy and progress as opposed to figuring out these things and maybe coming to the conclusion that you can't live with them.

Sounds just like me and my wife. It was all shyts and giggles before we moved in together but once we did, it was just like starting over once again. There's a big adjustment from seeing how they live when you don't live with them and actually having to adjust, compromise, etc once you're in it together. Like you said, some don't work it out and some do. I just find it funny people tryna knock the paths we took in our relationship yet none of these people are married

 

[Rawtid]

Sounds just like me and my wife. It was all shyts and giggles before we moved in together but once we did, it was just like starting over once again. There's a big adjustment from seeing how they live when you don't live with them and actually having to adjust, compromise, etc once you're in it together. Like you said, some don't work it out and some do. I just find it funny people tryna knock the paths we took in our relationship yet none of these people are married

No one knocked your path. Again, I think the word foolish just put some on the defensive and I understand why. Like I said, I just feel very strongly about this situation. I'm very happy it worked out for you but I don't feel you're the norm.

 

[BlackElitism]

Sounds just like me and my wife. It was all shyts and giggles before we moved in together but once we did, it was just like starting over once again. There's a big adjustment from seeing how they live when you don't live with them and actually having to adjust, compromise, etc once you're in it together. Like you said, some don't work it out and some do. I just find it funny people tryna knock the paths we took in our relationship yet none of these people are married

After awhile you just stop responding to single people altogether unless they are asking for advice.

 

[malbaker86]

After awhile you just stop responding to single people altogether unless they are asking for advice.

i've come to realize this

 

[MeachTheMonster]

I don't think your advice is relevant at all considering I don't feel the same way you do about how the living situation should progress in a marriage. Again, I'm happy that it worked for you but I still think it was foolish and a risk to "play" marriage before actually doing it.

I think the reason people get tired of each other so quickly is that they've progressed through their relationships at lightening speed. There is a time to live together and I just feel that after marriage is the only time. Maybe because I referred to it as foolish that you've appeared defensive, but I do feel strongly about it. It's way more important to me than finding out he drinks out the carton.

I also think it's important for both partners to be able to support themselves before progressing to living together. As I mentioned before, a lot of couples live together to save costs or to upgrade a current living situation. But if you're doing that dependent on someone else, that's a recipe for disaster. Plus learning someone is not good with their finances is NOT a good place to be if you're still trying to get your feet on solid ground.

Still calling happily married people fools while you are raising a child by yourself. That's no personal shot to you but, but I wouldn't say that you are the authority on relationships.

When you speak of living together you automaticaly frame it as a bad decision. Obviously if you you move in with someone for fininancial reasons, or any other reason other than the fact that you want to spend your life with that person, it's a bad idea. Some people get married for those same reasons and their marriages eventually fail.

What I'm saying is. Once you decide that this is the person you could live the rest of your life with, it makes sense to try out a living arrangement with them first. That's not to say you should be signing leases together or opening joint bank accounts, but its pretty unrealistic to say you can progress though an entire relationship to the point of marriage and not live together at all. Living together is a whole nother animal than just being in love. You and your mate can be compatible, but your families could be at each others necks. Some people can work through this, some people can't, but it is my opinion that it is better to figure out that you can't before getting married.

You say learning someone isn't good with their finances is not a good start. I say living with someone is a good way to find out if they are good with their finances.

 

[DaChampIsHere]

Nope actualy less. Those numbers you keep quoting also say that those who get married without cohabitation are most likely religious or part of a arranged marriage culture. You seem to be neither so I'm not sure how your gonna fit in with your statistic.

Hey Mr. I don't wanna face the facts, face the facts.

You're only guessing. Where is your proof that that's what the stats say? Or are you just making up things to feel better about the fact your marriage is more likely to fail than someone else's who doesn't "shack up"?

 

[Rawtid]

Still calling happily married people fools while you are raising a child by yourself. That's no personal shot to you but, but I wouldn't say that you are the authority on relationships.

When you speak of living together you automaticaly frame it as a bad decision. Obviously if you you move in with someone for fininancial reasons, or any other reason other than the fact that you want to spend your life with that person, it's a bad idea. Some people get married for those same reasons and their marriages eventually fail.

What I'm saying is. Once you decide that this is the person you could live the rest of your life with, it makes sense to try out a living arrangement with them first. That's not to say you should be signing leases together or opening joint bank accounts, but its pretty unrealistic to say you can progress though an entire relationship to the point of marriage and not live together at all. Living together is a whole nother animal than just being in love. You and your mate can be comparable, but your families could be at each others necks. Some people can work through this, some people can't, but it is my opinion that it is better to figure out that you can't before getting married.

You say learning someone isn't good with their finances is not a good start. I say living with someone is a good way to find out if they are good with their finances.

I don't have any shame in being a single mother but that really doesn't have anything to do with me feeling that living together when you're not married is a risk. Again, it worked for you but it was still a risk. No sir, it's not a good idea to find out someone is not good with their finances when you are living with them. Especially if you aren't in a position to pick up the slack.

 

[MeachTheMonster]

I don't have any shame in being a single mother but that really doesn't have anything to do with me feeling that living together when you're not married is a risk. Again, it worked for you but it was still a risk. No sir, it's not a good idea to find out someone is not good with their finances when you are living with them. Especially if you aren't in a position to pick up the slack.

You keep saying a person should be able to take care of themselves. I agree, but that has nothing to do with living together. You shouldn't even be In a relationship if you can't take care of yourself.

 

[DaChampIsHere]

COHABITATION

Cohabitation Data:
There is a higher risk, 40 to 85%, of divorce between couples cohabiting before marriage than couples waiting until after marriage to share a home together. (Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Stantow, Morgan & Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990) Cited in a posting on the Smart Marriages Listserv, Sep 28, 2004.


Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States.
Series Report 23, Number 22. 103pp. (PHS) 98-1998.
Download report at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_022.pdf
Among the findings in this report: unmarried cohabitations overall are less
stable than marriages. The probability of a first marriage ending in
separation or divorce within 5 years is 20 percent, but the probability of
a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49 percent. After
10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent,
compared with 62 percent for cohabitations.

Also religion is not found to effect divorce rates. Atheists actually have the lowest divorce rates, not religious people. The Bible Belt has the highest divorce rate, the north east and west coast (places were people tend to be less religious when compared to the Bible Belt) have the lowest divorce rate.

11% of all American adults are divorced
25% of all American adults have had at least one divorce


27% of born-again Christians have had at least one divorce
24% of all non-born-again Christians have been divorced


21% of atheists have been divorced
21% of Catholics and Lutherans have been divorced
24% of Mormons have been divorced
25% of mainstream Protestants have been divorced
29% of Baptists have been divorced
24% of nondenominational, independent Protestants have been divorced

What's you all's excuse now?

 

[FeloniousMonk]

10 years-

Back in the day in was your "Neighborhood/High School Sweetheart"

Somebody you grow up with or known for a while.


You marry somebody after two years of dating..

Dont get upset when you find out some unsettling habits...

 

[malbaker86]

Also religion is not found to effect divorce rates. Atheists actually have the lowest divorce rates, not religious people. The Bible Belt has the highest divorce rate, the north east and west coast (places were people tend to be less religious when compared to the Bible Belt) have the lowest divorce rate.



What's you all's excuse now?

Report: Cohabiting has little effect on marriage success - USATODAY.com

 

[Atlrocafella]

Get married when its right for you.