El Poyo Loco
Akrassikauda = Black Scorpion
It's time for Deaspins annual Why Your Team Sucks
First up the Titans
Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. And buy Drew’s new book here.
Your team: Tennessee Titans
Your 2015 record: 3-13. Ugh. Just an awful year, especially the part where they busted out the Color Rush uniforms. The Titans were such a mess that they shytcanned Ken Whisenhunt at midseason and had to play out the string with Mike Mularkey as interim head coach. Imagine how bad your season is going that you’re compelled to inflate the Mularkey lifeboat. Thankfully, Mularkey has been replaced with…
Your coach: MIKE MULARKEY? WHAT THE fukk. You weren’t supposed to KEEP him! Holy underwear. What a disaster. I’m not even a Titans fan and I’m angry. As a general NFL fan, I would like all the other teams in the league—especially ones grooming a young quarterback in desperate need of a strong support system—to at least TRY. There is no valid competitive reason to keep this man. His career winning percentage (18-39) puts him behind the likes of Romeo Crennel, Dennis Erickson, Mike Nolan, Bruce Coslet, Rich Kotite, and Jim Tomsula. The only job I’d hire Mularkey for is to play a concerned dad on SVU.
Some people (me) have hypothesized that the reason the Titans settled for Mularkey—who, to reiterate, has the last name Mularkey—is because they needed a cheap placeholder coach until the family of Bud “Double Birds” Adams finds a way to sell the team. However, co-chairman Amy Adams Strunk (very much not the actress) insists that the team will remain in thefamily in perpetuity, which is somehow an even worse development. The current ownership is such a disaster that the NFL had to implement a new rule that specifically prevents this kind of situation from happening in the future, with ownership split up between a bunch of braindead shytbilly heirs and heiresses. JETHRO WANTS HIS FAIR SHARE, Y’ALL!
Ever scarier, what if the Titans really DO think Mularkey is the right coach? That’s a terrifying notion. You better HOPE they tapped him just to be a stunt body. Because you can do that to Mike Mularkey, you know. You can pay him three dollars and be like, “Oh yeah, we totally think you’re a good coach, Mike [audible snickering].” And he wouldn’t question it at all. He’d just sit there like a dope, completely missing the conspiracy, happy to draw up power running plays from 1990. He’s gonna fit in so well when he takes a job in the XFL 2.0: Attitude Era.
Also, the Titans jettisoned GM Ruston “Trombone” Webster (jettison is a word used only for ship ballast and football team employees) and replaced him with Jon Robinson, whose previous job was as director of personnel for the Bucs, who have won eight games in the past two years. WHAT A COUP. Glad you guys snagged that hot commodity to build you a roster. Real high demand for that guy.
Your quarterback: Marcus Mariota, seen here discovering the consequences of being too polite to say anything bossy to the equipment manager:
GIF
Remember when Marcus went head-to-head with Jameis Winston in Week 1 and blew him out, and everyone was happy because the alleged rapist wasn’t going to be the better rookie QB? Oops. Turns out that game will probably be the apex of Hula Boy’s career.
You Titans fans don’t need me to tell you that Marcus is dead. Deep in your bones, beneath all the hot chicken grease, you already know his career is over. There is nothing the Titans love more than getting their own quarterbacks hurt. I’m actually glad for Mariota. He may have been drafted by the NFL’s equivalent of a Ross Dress For Less, but at least he’ll be comfortably retired by age 27. He’ll be fit and happy and relatively devoid of traumatic head injuries, and he’ll settle into his new life as an investment services brand ambassador with grace and humility. He might even run for state senate one day. He’s gonna have a GREAT life…as soon as he gets the hell out of that shythole.
What’s new that sucks: How about that DeMarco Murray signing in Philly, huh? Boy, was THAT a real shytburger! Good thing no other NFL team was dumb enough to do the Eagles a favor and trade for that contract.
[urgent whispering in my ear]
Wait, what? They did? When?
[more whispering]
WHY? Jesus Christ.
Anyway, DeMarco is now the Titans’ problem. Thankfully, the team also drafted Heisman winner Derrick Henry, because they apparently love overworked backs and because, if the past year was any indication, DeMarco really thrives when you ask him to share the ball. Oh, did I mention that Bishop Sankey is still here, too? Remember when you drafted him in fantasy? That was fun. I hope Bishop Sankey gets run over by a stock car.
Also, having Mariota as quarterback means you oughta get to know his backup in a hurry. So say goodbye to selfie-hound Zach Mettenberger, who never won a start, and say HELLO MATT CASSEL! Yes, the man who was traded by Buffalo and then spent half a season as failed nanny to the Cowboys offense is your new emergency option. Be sure to tune in during Week 3 when he takes the field and your season is officially over.
What has always sucked: Oh, you mean Nashville? Bachelorette party capital of America? Training camp for future Dallas housewives? A city whose wealthy population even Donald Trump finds a touch ostentatious? Man, fukk Nashville. The only thing worse than Nashville people are people from outside Nashville who voluntarily go hang out there. Our own Tom Ley visited Jack White’s precious little recording studio there. They sold “handmade” postcards for $16. I hope that studio explodes in a tasteful red and white shrapnel pattern.
As for the Titans, you already know that they’re terrible. The defense is puke. The line is puke, even when they draft a lineman in the first round. The only good receiver is the tight end, and all the actual wideouts are just botched software updates of Kenny Britt.
This is a team that exists solely to make interesting players uninteresting. They have two memorable plays in their history and that’s it. I hate them and wish they never existed. They are the family member you have to include at the wedding because your mother’s sister ordered you to. Only you haven’t seen cousin Timmy in years, and nobody really asks Timmy what he’s up to because he hasn’t really done anything with his life. And now you gotta pick his ass up at the airport the day before, too? THE fukk, TIMMY? Anyway, fukk Timmy and fukk the Titans and fukk corrupt-ass Tennessee and the four megachurch pastors who run it.
And fukk these fans. These people probably still think Steve McNair is the quarterback. They’re so disinterested that Antonio Andrews (yep, another running back) basically had to beg them to come cheer:
“Every game feels like an away game, so I don’t really know what to say too much about winning at home. It’s always good to win at home and not lose, but every game feels like an away game.”
That sounds about right… a bunch of visors and bad dye-jobs in the stands ignoring the game because they gotta plan an SAE reunion. I hope they all get carried away in a flood. Just cancel the Titans and make every home game Family Movie Night. Be sure to turn the sprinklers off.
What might not suck: Oh man, did they ever loot the Rams for that No. 1 pick. I assume Strunk then sold those picks to help pay off the estate tax.
Let’s remember some guys who were on the Titans:
First up the Titans
Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. And buy Drew’s new book here.
Your team: Tennessee Titans
Your 2015 record: 3-13. Ugh. Just an awful year, especially the part where they busted out the Color Rush uniforms. The Titans were such a mess that they shytcanned Ken Whisenhunt at midseason and had to play out the string with Mike Mularkey as interim head coach. Imagine how bad your season is going that you’re compelled to inflate the Mularkey lifeboat. Thankfully, Mularkey has been replaced with…
Your coach: MIKE MULARKEY? WHAT THE fukk. You weren’t supposed to KEEP him! Holy underwear. What a disaster. I’m not even a Titans fan and I’m angry. As a general NFL fan, I would like all the other teams in the league—especially ones grooming a young quarterback in desperate need of a strong support system—to at least TRY. There is no valid competitive reason to keep this man. His career winning percentage (18-39) puts him behind the likes of Romeo Crennel, Dennis Erickson, Mike Nolan, Bruce Coslet, Rich Kotite, and Jim Tomsula. The only job I’d hire Mularkey for is to play a concerned dad on SVU.
Some people (me) have hypothesized that the reason the Titans settled for Mularkey—who, to reiterate, has the last name Mularkey—is because they needed a cheap placeholder coach until the family of Bud “Double Birds” Adams finds a way to sell the team. However, co-chairman Amy Adams Strunk (very much not the actress) insists that the team will remain in thefamily in perpetuity, which is somehow an even worse development. The current ownership is such a disaster that the NFL had to implement a new rule that specifically prevents this kind of situation from happening in the future, with ownership split up between a bunch of braindead shytbilly heirs and heiresses. JETHRO WANTS HIS FAIR SHARE, Y’ALL!
Ever scarier, what if the Titans really DO think Mularkey is the right coach? That’s a terrifying notion. You better HOPE they tapped him just to be a stunt body. Because you can do that to Mike Mularkey, you know. You can pay him three dollars and be like, “Oh yeah, we totally think you’re a good coach, Mike [audible snickering].” And he wouldn’t question it at all. He’d just sit there like a dope, completely missing the conspiracy, happy to draw up power running plays from 1990. He’s gonna fit in so well when he takes a job in the XFL 2.0: Attitude Era.
Also, the Titans jettisoned GM Ruston “Trombone” Webster (jettison is a word used only for ship ballast and football team employees) and replaced him with Jon Robinson, whose previous job was as director of personnel for the Bucs, who have won eight games in the past two years. WHAT A COUP. Glad you guys snagged that hot commodity to build you a roster. Real high demand for that guy.
Your quarterback: Marcus Mariota, seen here discovering the consequences of being too polite to say anything bossy to the equipment manager:
GIF
Remember when Marcus went head-to-head with Jameis Winston in Week 1 and blew him out, and everyone was happy because the alleged rapist wasn’t going to be the better rookie QB? Oops. Turns out that game will probably be the apex of Hula Boy’s career.
You Titans fans don’t need me to tell you that Marcus is dead. Deep in your bones, beneath all the hot chicken grease, you already know his career is over. There is nothing the Titans love more than getting their own quarterbacks hurt. I’m actually glad for Mariota. He may have been drafted by the NFL’s equivalent of a Ross Dress For Less, but at least he’ll be comfortably retired by age 27. He’ll be fit and happy and relatively devoid of traumatic head injuries, and he’ll settle into his new life as an investment services brand ambassador with grace and humility. He might even run for state senate one day. He’s gonna have a GREAT life…as soon as he gets the hell out of that shythole.
What’s new that sucks: How about that DeMarco Murray signing in Philly, huh? Boy, was THAT a real shytburger! Good thing no other NFL team was dumb enough to do the Eagles a favor and trade for that contract.
[urgent whispering in my ear]
Wait, what? They did? When?
[more whispering]
WHY? Jesus Christ.
Anyway, DeMarco is now the Titans’ problem. Thankfully, the team also drafted Heisman winner Derrick Henry, because they apparently love overworked backs and because, if the past year was any indication, DeMarco really thrives when you ask him to share the ball. Oh, did I mention that Bishop Sankey is still here, too? Remember when you drafted him in fantasy? That was fun. I hope Bishop Sankey gets run over by a stock car.
Also, having Mariota as quarterback means you oughta get to know his backup in a hurry. So say goodbye to selfie-hound Zach Mettenberger, who never won a start, and say HELLO MATT CASSEL! Yes, the man who was traded by Buffalo and then spent half a season as failed nanny to the Cowboys offense is your new emergency option. Be sure to tune in during Week 3 when he takes the field and your season is officially over.
What has always sucked: Oh, you mean Nashville? Bachelorette party capital of America? Training camp for future Dallas housewives? A city whose wealthy population even Donald Trump finds a touch ostentatious? Man, fukk Nashville. The only thing worse than Nashville people are people from outside Nashville who voluntarily go hang out there. Our own Tom Ley visited Jack White’s precious little recording studio there. They sold “handmade” postcards for $16. I hope that studio explodes in a tasteful red and white shrapnel pattern.
As for the Titans, you already know that they’re terrible. The defense is puke. The line is puke, even when they draft a lineman in the first round. The only good receiver is the tight end, and all the actual wideouts are just botched software updates of Kenny Britt.
This is a team that exists solely to make interesting players uninteresting. They have two memorable plays in their history and that’s it. I hate them and wish they never existed. They are the family member you have to include at the wedding because your mother’s sister ordered you to. Only you haven’t seen cousin Timmy in years, and nobody really asks Timmy what he’s up to because he hasn’t really done anything with his life. And now you gotta pick his ass up at the airport the day before, too? THE fukk, TIMMY? Anyway, fukk Timmy and fukk the Titans and fukk corrupt-ass Tennessee and the four megachurch pastors who run it.
And fukk these fans. These people probably still think Steve McNair is the quarterback. They’re so disinterested that Antonio Andrews (yep, another running back) basically had to beg them to come cheer:
“Every game feels like an away game, so I don’t really know what to say too much about winning at home. It’s always good to win at home and not lose, but every game feels like an away game.”
That sounds about right… a bunch of visors and bad dye-jobs in the stands ignoring the game because they gotta plan an SAE reunion. I hope they all get carried away in a flood. Just cancel the Titans and make every home game Family Movie Night. Be sure to turn the sprinklers off.
What might not suck: Oh man, did they ever loot the Rams for that No. 1 pick. I assume Strunk then sold those picks to help pay off the estate tax.
Let’s remember some guys who were on the Titans:
- Tyrone Calico
- LenDale White
- Derrick Mason
- Justin McCareins
- Billy fukking Volek
